What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

[ferryi]

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

I'm glad I'm not the only one! When I first came on Mumsnet I couldn't understand all the "crying and shaking" posts over things that really were quite minor. The only time I've cried in front of other adults in the last 20 years was when someone close to me died.

Ah that's OK. I get it. I think I also need to find empathy for people who can't react how I think they should. But in case of MIL, I can't see it that way. I just see it like her being her usual nasty self.

But if she's nasty by nature and always has been, what else do you expect? And why would she respond positively to someone who clearly dislikes her?

Is your husband supportive? That's more important.

@ReneBumsWombats really she's not nice at all. I didn't think anything. I just burst into tears. I didn't do it on purpose.

Husband is OK but also finding it hard.

See this makes even less sense.

'Her usual nasty self'.

You don't like the woman, she doesn't like you, so why on earth did you expect anything other than what she said?

How much support is your husband giving you btw?

How about try not to be so patronising. As I said I’m sympathetic in certain circumstances and I sympathise with done one having a bad day but I wouldn’t be gushing all over them.

My mother in law is cold and generally not a nice person. (Think openly trolling celebrities on Facebook). I therefore don’t expect nothing from her as there is literally no point. She is an empty shell and I can control that. I would as yourself why you feel you NEED her to react in an empathetic way. I think you need to reflect on that. You cannot change the outcome here, let it go. Stop trying to get support from someone who isn’t going to support you.

i had 3 in 3 and a half years, I had PND after my third and had a 2 year old and a 3 year old to look after at the same time. I was beyond exhausted mentally and physically, so sleep deprived I was in a haze and starting to feel shaky and panicky, I begged for help, but had absolutely no family help whatsoever. In-laws said they needed their ‘rest’, both healthy very early 60’s. And at the same time as refusing to take the children for even a few hours they were very hapoy to have friends stay for the weekend and be out on a pub crawl until 4am, they had the energy for that.

People are who they are, she does sound cold but she won’t change.

*can’t control rather

@DuplicateUserName it's just because she always pretends and tells me it's all in my head and she likes me etc. it's just words.

Your Mother in Law is probably similar in age to me and may find it odd that mothers today don’t seem able to cope, as we just got on with it.

I have empathy and sympathy up to a point.

She sounds like it’s all lip service , my mother in law would “say” she likes me too 😂😂. Just ignore her and move on have little to do with her or the bare minimum to get by

I like this a lot @Ponoka7

I'm not an awful cold hearted person, but if anyone cries on me I don't really know how to handle it. I'd probably change the subject or something too. I'm not sure what the correct reaction in your book would be, the thing is if she isn't close to you it makes things even more awkward. Would you expect her to hold you and tell you how wonderful you are? I'd probably just say to you, kids go through phases of being ill, you are just tired and being irrational, have an early night.

For what it's worth my kids have had more illnesses in 4 months than 4 years, most people with children will say the same at the moment, lots of things flying around.

Yes, it's just words.

You know this, you've said it a few times.

So again, why did you expect anything different from someone who doesn't like you?

Just accept it or you'll drive yourself mad, and ask your husband to step up, or friends or closer family.

@DuplicateUserName I suppose the benefit of the doubt kind of thing. I often question myself, because she always says I'm so unreasonable and crazy and that she likes me. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what isn't when it comes to her and how I feel when she upsets me. So even though I didn't cry on purpose, based on her denying that she dislikes me etc , I thought she'd be a bit kinder. Ive seen her be kind to others who have been upset. Anyway, it's just words and my gut feeling that's he dislikes me, is absolutely true. No matter what she says.

Ok well I'd concentrate on looking towards your husband and friends/other family for support.

Sadly you're not going to get it from your MIL.

I tried to talk to my own mother when I was struggling after DS2 was born. I came away with a fucking housework schedule.

People aren't always willing to listen to mothers, unfortunately...

This generation stuff is bollocks. My gran was the warmest, most inviting woman I've ever known. She loved hugs and I've no doubt she'd envelop anybody who cried in one.

I'm very empathetic but I'm also very awkward and struggle with what to actually do in situations like the one you describe. It isn't being cold or not caring, it's being unsure.

I also choose not to get involved with people who are struggling mentally, for the benefit of preserving my own well being. That is my choice to make. I can understand and empathise whilst also wanting to avoid.

I don’t think mother in law meant this in a way to upset you. I think a lot of people would say the same, it’s not being mean, she’s just telling you to be strong and try not to cry in front of your children?

if you’re still with your husband/partner,have you spoke to him about how you’re feeling?

tbh OP it sounds as the pair of you don't really like each other, so you need to work out how you want your relationship with her to look. Based on your posts? i'd say polite and arm's length.
But you also need to work out what it is you want from other people in your life, your DH, friends, other family, health professionals.
it will help you a lot, i think, to be clear for yourself what your expectations of people are, and how much you are prepared to either put up with or do without.
But will echo other people: do go to your GP and ask to see someone about your PND

I would give you a hug and make you a cuppa.

‘She’s cold, unkind and lacking in empathy. Much like many of the people on this thread’

Lol, is this not part of a wider issue? People thinking that their way is the correct way to be, and anyone that doesn’t subscribe to that view is wrong and needs to be enlightened.

Instead of respecting that individuals naturally vary it becomes tribal, with one ‘side’ being called maladaptive and cold, and the other being called dramatic basket cases.

Like you’ve just called people cold, like that’s going to inspire anything other than a shrug and an ‘ok…?’. Really makes a tangible difference, that.

… and here we learn about what you are like. Snappy and unable to accept others for who they are.

That's interesting. I wouldn't. I'd just assuymed she was knackered and worried, as she claims. I'd give her a hug and say, 'You do your best, everyone can see that. They'll get better and you need a proper rest. Things will improve.'

Not hard to be sympathetic. You don't lose a chunk of your soul.