What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

[ferryi]

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

I think we could all be kinder. You never know what others are going through and how alone someone feels and how your words can have a deep impact on them.

How do you feel about this in the context of calling your mother in law out for not behaving as you think she should?

Her reaction wasn't particularly supportive or kind. It shut down any prospect of taking about it quickly in a 'pull your socks up' style.
I guess it was an accurate reflection of what she is willing to offer you, your relationship is not a warm loving one.
Bit hypocritical of her given she is open with her emotions and presumably looks for support when upset.
Really bad luck that it was in her company your emotions all spilled over. I guess it's the confirmation of what you suspected that she isn't a source of support even though she is the GP of your DC.
I hope your DC get better soon and your worries can begin to subside. I hope you do have someone more likely to get the kettle on and listen and care when you're upset.

@TrentCrimm that's not my intention.

I just think we can all do better. ( myself included I'm sure ) at being supportive towards someone who's suffering. As this thread shows, that's not how people feel- fair enough.

It just doesn't make sense. She was really hurtful towards me many times and continues to be. How is standing up for myself somehow wrong ?

Hmmm, "I understand how you are feeling" I would find ignorant, patronising and utterly rage inducing,

we are all different

My God that woman is a cold fish. If you were my daughter-in-law is have given you a hug , made you a drink and offered to look after the kids so you could take a break

How is this relevant... Op has come to a forum to ask if people felt the mil reaction was a cold one (yes, it was a pretty cold reaction, possible reasons for that many and various).
OP hasn't expressed criticisism to her mil at all, let alone in a way that would unsympathetic to hidden issues that mil might be wrestling with, so you're gotcha moment does not apply.

Maybe she just didn't have enough in the tank to help you?

You need to lower your expectations. If your MIL is indeed cold and hurtful you need to stop engaging with her. Firstly, because she’s never going to be what you necessarily need, which sounds like you need emotional support.

Just out of interest can you lean on your own mother when you are down? Where is she in this picture.

We don't know the situation though.
If a mil, and I am one, can't be sensitive with her dil just after she's given birth then it's on the mil.

Next time she cries in front of you tell her to get over it.

Crumbs, I would have given you a hug, made you a drink and said that parenting can be bloody hard at times and you were doing a great job. I imagine that was the sort of thing you were looking for, just some compassion. That said I think that you are probably looking in the wrong place. She obviously isn't the sort to do that and she probably won't change. I think I'd keep my expectations low in that direction. Hope you are OK and someone else can provide a shoulder for you.

😂🤣

Yes this is also relevant

She could be going through her own shit.....when did you last ask her how she was?

People with little kids sometimes think the world revolves around them ( as we see many many times here on MN)

Were you crying in front of your kids, if so I am inclined to agree

You say she's emotional and cries a lot herself? And presumably you give support to her?

Most of us would hope that we're fairly balanced in terms of giving support and receiving it, but there are many people who fall into the category of just being "givers" or just being "takers".

Does your MIL help in other ways? Does she expect support from you? If no and yes, she might just be one of life's takers.

Your response to Stephanie's excellent first post suggest that you behave in a way others may find difficult to accept. Perhaps MIL is now just responding to how you behave towards her.

Just that we can all have a script about how other people are going to act and react but other people are within their rights to not comply. So it seems to me like neither woman sits with the other's expectations and both probably have complaints.

Invoking suicide and talking about suffering when you’re basically dealing with normal issues of parenting is a massive overreach and pretty distasteful. I’m on team MIL with this one, you sound very self involved.

You’re clearly different people but instead of accepting it and trying to work with it, you call her out and lecture her. Doesn’t sound very ‘kind’.

@ferryi people don't exist to support other people. You are expecting a world where everyone is lovely and supportive and kind to the people who are struggling. In reality, almost everyone is struggling. Maybe not all the time, but at least some of the time. We get to choose who we spend emotional energy on, as we have a limited amount to go around. Your MiL has chosen not to spend hers on you.

Now of course you will make a judgement about that, and quite right too! You've decided she doesn't like you, and you (probably) think she's a cold fish and selfish and unreasonable. That's ok too. You get to decide how much time you spend around her.

You know she isn't someone to turn to when you're in need.

I'd never, never make myself vulnerable in front of my mother. She's not a lovely supportive person, and I'd never expect that from her. It's easier that way.

Well that's a bit harsh. Stephanie was just pointing out that MIL probably gets uncomfortable around people crying. Why should she change? Save you heart to hearts for someone on your emotional wavelength. Is your own Mother around?

TBH if it was someone who was prone to drama and over reactions I think I’d have very little patience. Tea and sympathy isn’t always the helpful route, sometimes you actually DO just need to get a grip and pull yourself together. I find anxieties rub off on children, constant despairing won’t help them

You clearly have quite a tempestuous relationship with your MIL. So she's not the right person for you to lean on for support.
You can't change her nature - all you can do is make different choices to preserve your mental health.
Are you getting support for your PND? Are there other people in your life you can confide in?

YABVU and you are oversensitive.

Your emotions are your own to deal with, nobody else’s.

I might be her age group. We were told to just get on with things. If you have a small age gap, then this is just part of having small children. Worrying doesn't solve things. I tend to not worry. I know what you mean by thinking something else might be going on. My youngest GC had a lingering illness, was admitted to hospital etc and it did cross our minds that there could be a chance of leukemia etc. The previous generation to us was the true resilient generation and their children died because of the lack of medical advancement. I'd sympathise, but as I've said to my DD, I don't have any answers because I've never broke down in tears, suffered from anxiety, excessively worried etc. Saying to someone that you understand is patronising, especially when you don't. If she was able to, ideally she should offer practical help. I've got mixed feelings about not telling people to just get on with things, because life, especially life with two children under 3 isn't always easy. Are you expecting more from her than your DH/male relatives?