What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

[ferryi]

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

It may not be the response you were looking for, but I don’t necessarily think it was hurtful. I would have been embarrassed if my mil hugged me, we just didn’t have that sort of relationship, but she was a very loving person.

the next time she cries do the same th8ing-why are you crying-oh dont do that and change the subject

Gosh I’m so sorry, you sound like you have a lot going on. It’s so hard being pregnant when you have other kids and you are so exhausted. I hope you can catch a break at some point and do something for yourself. I found those last weeks of pregnancy so hard going and a bit lonely. Sometimes the tears just come. I’m sorry you weren’t supported or even just a bit of a hug when you told your mil, I’m sure you could have done with at least a “I’m sorry things are hard”. There are some pretty cold people on here too by the looks of it x

All I get from my MIL is "you need to be strong for that baby, no more crying".

Yeah thanks, that's helpful... when I've literally spent the past 6 months or so being strong for my baby and burying my own feelings and then it comes to a head and I cry. Only to be told to stop. 🙄

Imo it's not a healthy attitude that crying must never ever happen full stop. So it really jars when she has in the past told me not to. Humans cry at times - it's normal and natural and in many cases (including for me) it's a much needed release. I now stay well away from people who tell me otherwise, and my emotional health has improved naturally just by being selective about who I allow to see me at my most vulnerable.

Best set your expectations very low so that you won’t be disappointed

Also, in the future when you have a daughter in law who is in the same situation (we all have those moments whether we'd admit it or not) then you'll be better placed to support her. So take the view that you'll pay it forward into your own family.

Good luck OP 💐

Crying arguably has 2 functions, biologically speaking:

1, to act as a stress relief and a kind of reset button

2, to signal to the other members of the tribe that there is a problem

Crying is not a sign of having no resilience. I think it's a fairly standard part of an emotionally regulating pathway. Cry, get it out of your system, move on. It's like a good night's sleep and can be very cathartic.

Many of the people I know who adhere to the 'stiff upper lip, stuff your emotions down' have ended up with very maladaptive consequences later in life, such as heavy drinking, apparent personality disorders and the majority of them good do with a good bit of therapy!

I remember Crying about something years ago, and the other person telling me to 'just get on with it'. I thought 'but I am getting on with it. Crying is part of me getting on with it!'. For me, once I get it out, have a chat, I feel like I have freed up some mental/psychological/emotional space and can move on. I hate the notion that Crying = weakness. It's fine. Its healthy. It's not a big deal.

Just be careful who you trust with your emotions because not everyone can handle them and that's OK too. We only ever learn that the hard way, bit we quickly find out who not to turn to in future.

Yes, this. I would hate to think I’d behave like she did if I’m lucky enough to be a gran/MIL.
Going forward, you know where you stand with her. Tell her NOTHING about the kids or how you’re doing. In fact, I’d not answer her calls/texts, and let your DH deal with her.

It must be disappointing and perhaps humiliating that you were not treated with sympathy when you let your feelings show in front of her. Do you have anyone else you can seek comfort and empathy from ? You sound as if you have had such a tough time and I hope you can find compassion in someone else. I would have given you a hug tbh

In answer to your question, I wouldn’t say anything to her apart from general politeness. Don’t let her know how you are feeling and don’t open up to her.

I sincerely hope things improve with your little ones. Family are supposed to be supportive and understanding

As mil is usually the emotion crier, I suspect she sees that,and the sympathy, as her 'role' and didn't like you stealing it. You tried to change the dynamic and that threw her hence the hypocrisy. Only she is allowed to play that role.

And I think the OP forget a 'not' in her comment about suicide: would it not be good to develop empathy and kindness in this time of rising suicide.

I just wonder how much support the OP's husband is giving her, if she has to look to her MIL who she doesn't even have a good relationship with.

I think we could all be kinder. You never know what others are going through and how alone someone feels

But only when it’s directed at you, right? If you’re getting into fights with your MIL and “calling her out” (which usually just means an attack out of nowhere) you’re not really practicing what you preach.

Your first response was unnecessary and unpleasant

I know with my DC, I will sometimes start with 'why are you crying?' It's to encourage them to think about what exactly has upset them or whether the tears are triggered by tiredness, hunger, etc. With any other relative, how I responded after that would absolutely depend on who the person was, what our past relationship was like and what their character was.
Your jump to mentioning suicide and arguing with posters makes you seem manipulative and insensitive. If that's MIL's experience of you then that will have impacted her response to your tears.

OP I understand. I cried in front of my ex mother in law because I was at the end of my tether. I explained to her how close we were to divorcing and how hard it was (this was at the end of lockdown) with the kids 24/7 and that I needed a break. In laws promised to help. Nothing changed.

We are splitting up and they are getting their son back, and I’m getting some freedom back.

You can’t change them. They are who they are. Find another person for support. Your MIL is not your tribe by the sounds of it.

OP I think you probably need to heed your own advice.

’Being kind’ is not always patting someone on the back and saying ‘they’re there’. Being kind is also ensuring you don’t put people in uncomfortable situations, or expect them to be psychic about what you’re going through, or try to get from them what they just can’t give.

I have been through a lot in my life and I don’t advertise it to the world but I’ve had times where that’s meant I just don’t have a fraction of headspace for anyone else’s problems and someone else trying to eek sympathy/a listening ear out of me would have just broken me further. Please consider this.

If she has cried in front of you - she has probably repeated what others have said to her thinking its how you comfort someone.

See I don’t see how paying insincere platitudes helps anyone. It sounds like you only want to hear what you want to hear, and nothing else

I think accept she cannot give you what you need emotionally and adapt your relationship accordingly. It’s unreasonable to expect everyone to approach everything in the same way as you. It doesn’t make her a bad person. My MIL has the emotional depth of a beetroot fwiw.

I think you might want to step back from this thread OP (I suspect you already have!) and maybe repost on the relationships board.

She’s cold, unkind and lacking in empathy. Much like many of the people on this thread🙄.

I know it’s difficult to stop trying to turn someone into the person you want them to be but some people aren’t capable of saying or doing the right thing.

I haven’t read the whole thread but someone has said that we don’t exist to support others. This simply isn’t true….humans are meant to live in small tribes with everyone helping with the children. We’d have died without that support and although we now know rationally that we won’t die, I think part of our brain doesn’t quite believe that.

Also someone has said that your emotions are yours to deal with and you’re over-sensitive. It isn’t at all oversensitive to feel hurt that someone refuses to comfort you when you burst into tears. Anyone kind would be moved to comfort someone crying, even if they were perhaps thinking it was a bit daft. Because we all have our own perspective.

What I would say is that I sometimes find it helpful if someone (kindly) laughs at me when I’m having a health anxiety crisis because it puts it into perspective for me. If they made a fuss of me I’d think ‘Ooh maybe they’re worried as well so it really could be something serious’.

So posters can throw around the word narcissist and encourage you to go no-contact?

Everyone cannot be everything to you. That's why it's useful to fill your life with lots of people. Some people don't have the skills or inclination to pick up an emotional burden but they might be the person who is great light-hearted company, or the one who is immensely practical or they just might have raised the person you fell in love with.

This.

Depends how often you cry really. I don't have patience for people sitting around crying on a regular basis.

Maybe she thinks you’re a bit dramatic