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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a vasectomy

223 replies

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:19

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 11/01/2023 16:20

Why is he not prepared to wear a condom?

That is literally the very least he can do.

Treeeeeeee · 11/01/2023 16:22

Of course you are being unreasonable. You cannot force him to have any operation he doesn't want. If you are certain you don't want more children why don't you get sterilised

TightFistedWozerk · 11/01/2023 16:22

YANBU to want him to. HINBU to not want to.

Stalemate.

He understands there are choices you may take? Withhold sex. Get yourself sterilised. Separate.

Chowtime · 11/01/2023 16:22

His body his choice. What you do now is up to you.

ThursdayLastWeek · 11/01/2023 16:22

Well he doesn’t have to, it’s his body after all.

But I imagine he won’t be having sex either. It’s your body after all.

KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 16:23

I personally think he should, but if he doesn’t want to, that’s that.
‘How about having your tubes tied if he won’t get it done ?

Can2022getanyworse · 11/01/2023 16:23

No condom, no sex.

You've done your bit. Contraception, pregnancies, births, recovery x4.

Condom, vasectomy or 10 minutes embarrassment and discomfort.

Mumsanetta · 11/01/2023 16:24

He is entitled to refuse to have a vasectomy as it’s his body. You are entitled to refuse to have sex if he doesn’t use a condom.

Original poster
rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:24

@whatstheteamarie

Simply doesn't like it, "Doesn't feel the same", but I am not willing to not use one and have another baby. Being sterilised is more invasive than a vasectomy. I am fully prepared to go the condom route rather than the operation, but he's resisting.

OP posts:
Keyansier · 11/01/2023 16:25

whatstheteamarie · 11/01/2023 16:20

Why is he not prepared to wear a condom?

That is literally the very least he can do.

Because sex doesn't feel as good when wearing a condom. That is obvious, I think?

But at 49 years old and basically old-aged, unless he is open to the idea of having more children in his life in the future, I don't see the problem in this. It's not painful or disruptive and it can even be reversed if he changes his mind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2023 16:25

YANBU to want him to do it but honestly this thread gets posted on here about once a week and the consensus is always his body his choice as it’s your body and your choice and if he’s not keen he won’t do it so you’ll have to accept it.

DH is considering it, his decision. I was fine with condoms, never using the pill again and don’t fancy a coil at all, currently pregnant, and happy with condoms again afterwards but it would be convenient if gets it done. I’ve certainly done my bit for our family but I couldn’t force him to have a medical procedure anymore than he could me, and I wouldn’t want to.

EL8888 · 11/01/2023 16:26

Fine if he doesn’t want to, fine if you don’t want use contraception. It is his turn to take take responsibility for contraception. Looks like he has the choice of condoms or no penetration. Does he appreciate the impact that 4 pregnancies and other contraceptive options have had on you?

KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 16:26

Our sex life was so much better after DH had a vasectomy.

TightFistedWozerk · 11/01/2023 16:27

I mean abstain rather than withhold, I think.

come2chat · 11/01/2023 16:27

His body his choice. Your body your choice. Of course there's always a middle ground somewhere ie sex with a condom

ScramblePud · 11/01/2023 16:28

No contraception + No desire to have children = No sex.

As long as he accepts that equation then he's NBU to refuse to have a vasectomy. His body is his choice (and, despite what some PP on this forum like to claim, there are significant risks of a vasectomy (and the waiting list on the NHS is also long)). What you choose to do with your body is up to you - if you choose sterilisation, a sexless marriage or to leave him, that's your choice.

Always4Brenner · 11/01/2023 16:28

I trusted no man with contraception luckily I could take the pill sterilised as soon as allowed at 37 never regretted no children. Get sterilised start nagging for it.

Bestcatmum · 11/01/2023 16:30

Don't have sex with him until he sorts something out. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. Vasectomy auses nil symptoms. Sterilisation op can cause a horrible early menopause. It happened to me then my husband left because I turned into Godzilla.

BIWI · 11/01/2023 16:32

If he won't wear a condom, and refuses to contemplate a vasectomy, what is your DH's solution to this issue, @rollitagain?!

WallaceinAnderland · 11/01/2023 16:33

Ugh, sorry you are saddled with him OP.

All you can do is stop having sex.

EileenAdler · 11/01/2023 16:34

Bestcatmum · 11/01/2023 16:30

Don't have sex with him until he sorts something out. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. Vasectomy auses nil symptoms. Sterilisation op can cause a horrible early menopause. It happened to me then my husband left because I turned into Godzilla.

Not true. Vasectomy has the risk of PVPS which is frequently untreatable.

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/01/2023 16:36

ThursdayLastWeek · 11/01/2023 16:22

Well he doesn’t have to, it’s his body after all.

But I imagine he won’t be having sex either. It’s your body after all.

Absolutely bloody love this 💜

Lollypop701 · 11/01/2023 16:39

BIWI · 11/01/2023 16:32

If he won't wear a condom, and refuses to contemplate a vasectomy, what is your DH's solution to this issue, @rollitagain?!

This?

because personally I would not use termination as birth control. The wait list for a sterilisation is going to be over a year I would guess

purpleboy · 11/01/2023 16:39

Sorry you've married a selfish man op, it shit he won't do that for you after you've taken on the burden of contraception and of course 4 children.

Of course it's his body his choice, and if he chooses not too have one then I would be choosing not to have sex.

euff · 11/01/2023 16:39

It is his body and his choice buy YANBU to be disappointed that he won't do it given you have carries and given birth to four children and tried various contraception and dealt with the unpleasant consequences. You are also NBU to feel differently about him for it. We had the same discussion, we have the family we want and I would hate to get pregnant again. I did say I feel I've done my share with pregnancies, emergency surgeries, not doing well with contraception etc and would he look into it getting the snip. He did take a while to think about it but he did it and it is a relief.

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