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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset about this - DH and dentist?

222 replies

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:26

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/01/2023 15:30

It sounds like you need to prioritise your tooth to me and get a joint diary so you can put appointments in there in future

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:31

Shoxfordian · 11/01/2023 15:30

It sounds like you need to prioritise your tooth to me and get a joint diary so you can put appointments in there in future

We have a joint calendar on the fridge and linked Google calendar. He knows I have the dentist.

OP posts:
MudLady · 11/01/2023 15:31

Does he know about the dentist? Perhaps if you point out it will cost a lot of money to get the work (& all future dental care) done privately he might realise the issue.

He needs to ask you if it’s convenient before booking your time. Or he can stay home himself. You aren’t his PA.

irrate · 11/01/2023 15:31

Tell your DH you are not going to cancel your appointment. He agreed for them to come over he needs to be in the house to meet them.
Do not give in to this you need your tooth sorted. (From someone that currently has a broken tooth getting pulled our next week and who's DH is driving her to and from appointment an hour away.)

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 11/01/2023 15:32

Go to the dentist appointment. DH can sort out the contractors himself or take annual leave etc. Not your problem.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 11/01/2023 15:32

This means I can't go to my dentist appointment

No it doesn't. You just tell your DH that you won't be home so he'll need to beifhe wants the job doing.

And yes to getting a joint calendar on your phones!

MudLady · 11/01/2023 15:33

X-post. He booked it, he needs to wait in for it. Unless he’s got a plan of how to afford all the dental care costs in the future.

Peridot1 · 11/01/2023 15:33

Just reply and say “sorry I will be at the dentist that day remember?”.

Rayna37 · 11/01/2023 15:33

You have a joint calendar, he should have been aware, so he needs to take the day off if he can't WFH. Added bonus, you can have the car for your appt.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/01/2023 15:33

Just reply that he will need to be at home that day because you are out, you can even take the car. No discussion.

Nurse2022 · 11/01/2023 15:34

Peridot1 · 11/01/2023 15:33

Just reply and say “sorry I will be at the dentist that day remember?”.

But without the 'sorry'

AreOttersJustWetCats · 11/01/2023 15:34

If the company cannot be made to rearrange, and your tooth is an important priority (which it is), then your DH will just have to book a half day off work.

I'd tell him that. It's non negotiable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2023 15:34

Don’t you dare cancel the dentist! He booked this visit, he facilitates it.

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:34

DH can't take annual leave unfortunately (he's a teacher) and the company doing the work are really just complete and total bastards (we have no choice on who to use) and we desperately need it doing, so I recognise that we have to keep the appointment but DH clearly didn't even ask if they had any other slots and didn't even show any appreciation or consideration. I'll need to rebook the tooth (as much as I don't want to) but I understand that's my choice - I just wish he understood how frustrating it is to be unappreciated.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/01/2023 15:35

surely he stays at home and you get the car to go to the dentist

he can take a day off to facilitate all of this and the dentist is the priority

Ninjapot · 11/01/2023 15:35

You remind DH that you're not going to be at home so he'll need to take a day off.

Shoxfordian · 11/01/2023 15:35

Then tell him to rebook them because you have the dentist, it’s his mistake

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 11/01/2023 15:35

You go dentist, he'll have to either rebook or take time off work himself.

Do not cancel your dentist appointment.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 11/01/2023 15:35

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/01/2023 15:33

Just reply that he will need to be at home that day because you are out, you can even take the car. No discussion.

Precisely. If there are two high priority, immovable appointments, you do one each.

You go to dentist. He waits in for the contractor.

Onnabugeisha · 11/01/2023 15:36

I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment

NO, this job doesn’t take precedent over the dentist. The structural integrity of a house is not as valuable as the health of a human being.

You need to message your DH back telling him to re-schedule the house appointment.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 11/01/2023 15:36

Teacher or not - this is his problem to solve.

Making him solve it will make him consider your needs in future.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/01/2023 15:36

You really need to go to the dentist, if you lose an NHS dentist you'll be very hard pressed to get another. If your teeth suffered through pregnancy a private Dentist will cost you a fortune. Just tell him you're going, and go

daybroke · 11/01/2023 15:36

"I'm at the dentist that. You'll have to arrange with the company"

Onnabugeisha · 11/01/2023 15:37

I'll need to rebook the tooth

Grrrr. No you don’t. Stop being a door mat.
DH rebooks the contractor.

Glenthebattleostrich · 11/01/2023 15:37

He can get the time off, he will just be pissing off his boss / those who sort cover (I work in a school) so don't make it easy for him.

Go to the dentist appointment, he needs to either arrange a leave of absence or rearrange the appointment.