AIBU to be upset about this - DH and dentist?

[ToothHurtie]

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

This with bells on! As a fellow Hg sufferer you need to get your teeth sorted. Tell him that’s great, you are at the dentist, what’s his plan? Is he taking annual leave to cover or sorting someone else to be present.

under no circumstances are you to sort this for him, let him work it out he booked it

Go to the dentist. No work on the house trumps your health.

No way would I cancel the dentist. No. Way.

'Ok - have you remembered that I have a dental appointment then? So you'll need to take the time off work to be around for them'

Prioritise your dental appointment. He needs to deal with this company.

Yes, good idea about a shared diary too.

I would be taking the car too.

*then

He 100% can take leave from school for special circumstances…tell him to put on his big boy pants

Go to the dentist and let him deal with the other thing. He can take leave, put it off and take leave another time or whatever.
it isn't your problem. Your teeth are important.

I'd assum, given he's aware of the dentist, that he's taking a day's annua leave to cover it, since you're at the dentist.

Go to the dentist. Re-book the appointment for the contractors. It really is as simple as that. You've been in pain for 6 months. You've asked DH to stop booking things without checking and yet he's done it again. Prioritise your health and stop kowtowing to your DH/ "the complete and total bastards" THAT YOU ARE PAYING TO DO WORK FOR YOU.

What if you both were teachers? What would he have dine then?

Why can’t your ‘D’H take the day off work to deal with it? He’s being completely unreasonable

In the 5 schools I've worked in, I would get the day off for something like this if I explained to the relevant person the circumstances. I do find some teachers use the "no annual leave" thing as a bit of a get out of jail free card for absolutely everything. Maybe I've been lucky with my management but it's not actually impossible and he should request leave or find someone else who can house sit while the job is done.

Ok, so you do not cancel your dentist appointment, you are in pain, the treatment needs doing and you risk losing your NHS dentist which is not a risk I'd be willing to take.

What you do is tell your DH that you are not available on that day due to dental treatment, that he will need to be home for the flaky contractor appointment (who will likely pull another no-show) and that as he will be at home that day, you will be taking the car for your dental appointment.

Do not take shit from your H, you are not his servant, you are his equal and not there just to be told what to do and when. Stand up to the bully.

Do not miss the dentist appointment. Fellow HG sufferer I needed 15 appointments after my eldest was born due to the damage of 9 months of throwing up. Tell your husband your appointment is immovable and he will have to arrange for someone to be there for the builders or change the date.

He's a teacher (as am I) not a brain surgeon. No one will die if he has that day off.

But you say your dentist removes people with too little notice. Yes, the day of, or less than 24 hours. Not a whole weeks notice!

OP, if your DH doesn't have to feel the pain of re-arranging the contractor (or the pain of having to arrange time off to be there for them) then he is never ever going to learn.

So, all you do is say: you have to take care of this, i will be out all day at the dentist. And that is it.

If provokes a row? His issue, you had your appointment in the calendar.
And remind him that WFH doesn't = available for contractors. Stand up now, becaus it is easier than trying to fight it later

Not ideal or a recommendation I would make lightly but I think your DH should call in sick for one day, wait in for bastard company and give you the car to get to the dentist.

I do find some teachers use the "no annual leave" thing as a bit of a get out of jail free card for absolutely everything

Totally agree.

Do NOT miss the dentist. I am horrified you have waited 6 months since the last appt with sore and bleeding gums and damaged teeth. You could end up losing teeth and/or with severe gum recession problems. GO TO THE DENTIST. Your DH will need to sort the other appointment.

This. I absolutely would not be prioritising this job.

Yeah I agree with this. A close family member of mine is now permanently disabled following a stroke caused by a tooth infection that got into his blood stream. That's an extreme case but honestly don't muck about with your teeth.

Do not cancel the dentist!

He can rearrange the company. They may not even show up if they are anything like some contractors we have used.

Go to your dentist appointment. The house will still be there for as long as it needs-your teeth might not!

He does this because you allow him to. He didn’t even bother checking the diary because he knew you would accommodate it. He is at fault for being a dick but you’re also at fault for putting up with it. And yes, even though you just had a row about it he knows you’re not serious (and he’s right because you have already acknowledged that you will just rebook what is a vital appointment that will potentially leave you without a dentist at all). Good luck to you.