AIBU to be upset about this - DH and dentist?

[ToothHurtie]

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

I'm a supply teacher and I'm,always covering for teachers whose children are I'll or who have appointments. The week before Christmas I covered for a teacher who had gone to a concert.

This is exactly what I would do. You're both working why does it fall on you. The dentist is kind of irrelevant as tbh even if I was working, having had a row about this exact thing I'd be saying sorry I'll be working. I wfh and this sort of thing pisses me off.

💯

I'd tell him he needs to book the day off or wfh that day, as its so easy to deal with workmen while working.

@ToothHurtie

Thats a win/win!

HE can book a days leave to deal with the people HE booked in & as he won't need the car, you can take it.

Sorry OP but I think you need to set some boundaries. He’s booked it either 1) without checking that you could facilitate or 2) knowing that you technically couldn’t because of the dentist, but counting on you to cancel your appointment.

Being in a job where you can’t take annual leave easily, would make most people take extra care to check that their partner can facilitate things before booking things in. But he seems so sure that you will cancel whatever else you have that he doesn’t even bother to check with you. As others have said, next time he does something like this don’t let it become your problem. If he’d had the slightest doubt that you might have stood your ground and told him that you couldn’t facilitate this, then imagine he would have double checked with you first, rather than risk inconveniencing himself by having to call back to rearrange.

Tell him he will have to arrange to be there as you will be going to the dentist.

Go to your appointment. Do not cancel. I’m in the same position with teeth, my kids have ruined my gums. You need to be under the care of a dentist. He needs to understand that it’s a priority for you. If he’s adamant then he should stop working & come home to let the person in himself.

Ok, read through the thread and it seems OP has been able to move her dentist appointment. Glad for that, OP, but sorry that you did because it reinforces his behaviour. Next time dont cover. He wont take you seriously unless you let it be a problem at some point. He sounds like a twat.

Tell your DH you are not going to cancel your appointment. He agreed for them to come over he needs to be in the house to meet them.

This.

Let your DH take a day off work and wait in for an unreliable tradesman who may not bother to turn up anyway (and then you can also take the car).

Dental health is much more important than most people realise - it's not just the pain (thought that's horrendous) poor tooth heath can affect other organs in the body, including the heart, Gum disease massively increases the risk of heart attack, strokes and cancer - not to mention the obvious - bad breath!

Medical appointments of all types are difficult to get at the moment, please don't let this one slip.

Sorry - just realised you've sorted it.

However, agree with @Atethehalloweenchocs - stand firm next time.

I’m also a supply teacher now, due to toxic management, and this isn’t something I recognise either from when I worked in contract or as a supply teacher. Illness, yes. Children’s illness, occasionally. Otherwise cover is almost always for courses (or funerals). I don’t know any schools that let teachers out for non essentials.

Your husband is a complete tool.

Tell him to take the day off sick because you’re going to the dentist and you’re taking the car.

I don’t know any schools that let teachers out for non essentials.

At my school, every member of staff gets a Christmas shopping day' every year which you can book off. You don't have to use it for Christmas shopping and you can take it whenever you like. Within reason!

You really do need to have the conversation with DH once this is sorted out, because it will only get worse.

Is there anyone else who could be in for the tradespeople? Even a neighbour? I'd do it for me neighbour if I was off. Or a friend or family member. You need the house done but you also don't need to go another six months in pain with your tooth.

hes lucky you work at home and can sort everything out isnt he

until the next time op-good luck

So fed up of drippy women allowing themselves to be treated like crap.

Why did you have to sort this out?
Why is this your problem?
And why for the love of god are you on here moaning about it but refusing to stand up for yourself?

Put your foot down. This is your HEALTH! Unless you want to be considered last for the rest of your life, make a stand. And then maybe your DH will notice that he is not the only person in the marriage.

Would he have booked the tradesperson on a day he had a dentist appointment? Or it is just your appointments that can be moved?

You don’t have to rebook the dentist. He needs to rebook the job on the house.
If he was single and didn’t have a wife to order around, he’d have to manage somehow. On this occasion his assistant/wife is not available, so he’ll have to be there himself or rebook.

A bit harsh but I agree. OP is scared of her DH and apparently the company as well.

DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person

Next time, don't open the door. Keep working. Put a sign on the door saying you are working, can't be disturbed and for the person to call your DH to rearrange.

If your DH is a teacher it must be possible to schedule a lot of these appointments for the 13+ weeks a year when he has leave/does not need to be in school the vast majority of the time (I guess if he teaches GCSE years he needs to be in around exam result time but that leaves a lot of time for jobs to be done).

If he was single and didn’t have a wife to order around, he’d have to manage somehow. On this occasion his assistant/wife is not available, so he’ll have to be there himself or rebook

Also true. No doubt he would have magically been able to reschedule for Feb half term.

he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person
This is a man who agrees with his wife just to shut her up and then completely disregards what he agreed to and does whatever is most convenient for him. In other words he treats her with complete contempt, preserves his earning potential whilst sabotaging hers.
I like to think that I would not put up with this treatment but presumably he's got her stitched up where there's not much she can do ...that's how people like him tend to operate.

He will never take the trouble to understand how frustrating it is to be inconvenienced, because he is getting no consequences for inconveniencing you.

I can't believe that you are prepared to let this vital dental appointment slide, havig been in pain for 6+ months with it. Your house won't fall down if it has to wait for this bloody job. YOU, however, will still be in pain - & how long will you have to wait for another appointment?

Why can't you just tell your H that he knew damn well that you are not available & that you will not lose your appointment?
What is going on with you that your automatic response is to kowtow to him? I am almost wondering if he did this deliberately: any reasonable person would tell the company "we can't do that date, find another" - not only has he totally disregarded your wishes NOT to have to stop your work to deal with trades, this time, he has sabotaged your pain-relieving dental appt. Why would he be so thoughtless ... or cruel?