AIBU to be upset about this - DH and dentist?

[ToothHurtie]

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

Don't be a martyr and remind him you have the dentist appointment and that he will need to book leave to be in or rearrange.
Then do what I do when DH books people in... I don't answer the door if I am working, if it's a break for lunch say, I will answer and tell them sorry it's not convenient as my DH is not in, he must of forgotten, apologise and shut the door before they can try to engage me in conversation.
Job done and do that a few times the only number they had was his so they started ringing him... he did start giving mine but I just put my phone on silent.

Nope! Why is it women always come up with shit like this? No man ever just throws their arms in the air, they just wait for some women to give up her health for their lack of planning! You are acting like you are not worth any respect and so he is not giving you any.
he need to rearrange it doesn't matter if the company are bastards that his problem! Seriously what do you expect if you just roll over and make out you are powerless! You are not just go to the dentist and make him rearrange. They will come back if they need the work and if not then the chances are they may fail to show anyway.

This

No! This should be the one time you don’t prioritise the work. Your health comes first.

Whatever you say about the company you have to keep your dentist appointment surely. I’ve been in a bad place with my teeth post-parting and it’s so important. Your DH will just have to sort it out. Have you got anyone else that can be at the house??

rent a car for the day?

If he refuses then I’d still go and they can just go to an empty house. Seriously you need to do this, otherwise he will walk over you forever. It’s in the shared calendar for gods sake!

if you fold and give into him then he'll carry on walking all over you

This is probably one of the most perfect posts I've ever read in my 10+ years on this forum!

DH will have to either:
Rearrange the job with the arsehole company
Arrange for a different company to do the work, urgently
Ensure you can use the car
Arrange for someone else to be in to oversee the work

Those are his options. Your health is more important than his slight inconvenience in doing any of the above.

No, yanbu. He sounds like he has little respect for you.

Quite.

Your problem here is that your husband does not give a fuck that you are in constant pain. As you say, he should at the very least have said he tried his hardest to get the trade to come on a day that did not clash with your appointment, and he should be extremely sympathetic to the fact that your pain will be prolonged.

He didn’t even mention it. That is cruel and unacceptable. Give him a huge kick up the arse.

Your husband was wrong to book the appointment obviously, but unless you're frightened of him, which is obviously a different problem with different advice, just tell him he'll have to rearrange because you're not in. I can't imagine even questioning this given your dental issues.
Presumably though you want the work done as well, so its a bit of a no win for you, unless you or your H can arrange for someone else to let the trades person in.

With all the train fares involved for the NHS dentist, would it really be that much more expensive to get the filling done privately? Have you tried?

Nope. You are being a martyr. Yes really.
your health has to come before the house
bad teeth and issues with work not being done will cause you pain, stress and money. It could have long term ramifications

the builders can wait. Yes really.

You’ve been lucky. I was refused unpaid leave to attend an uncle’s funeral in one school. Another member of staff wasn’t allowed to go in a free lesson to his wife’s scan (pregnancy).

He needs to rearrange it. No ifs and buts. You go to the dentist. Whatever happens you go.

im sure wfh sounds like a luxury if he’s a teacher but you’re WORKING. I do make appointments for when I’m wfh but I make sure it’s when it’s quiet etc. I wouldn’t do it to someone else without asking.

@ToothHurtie Do you have access to money to pay for the filling? Even privately, I don't see how it would cost more than your travel expenses.

your DH will have to take leave or organise somebody else being at the house. Or reschedule with the company.

You are in pain and in need of treatment. And you have a shared calendar.
This clearly outweighs your DH experiencing some inconvenience at work or needing to do a little organising.

If you accept this, you're clearly showing him that disregarding your health and wellbeing and therefore disrespecting you is something you will accept.
And you will continue to be in pain.

You and your health come before your DH missing a day of work, him having to do some organising or the house continuing to be in the current state for a little longer.

I really can't believe that you are seriously considering rescheduling.

You are mistaken. It does not mean you will miss your dental appointment! Tell him great, as he'll be at home that day you can take the car.....and you'll need undisturbed rest when you get back too.

If you are in pain you are clearly not at your very best. You might consider going for your DC's sake if you won't do it for yourself. Having a mother that is as painfree and healthy as possible will also benefit your DC!

If you carry on allowing this, he'll keep doing it. If you wait in and they don't turn up. It might be the last straw.

Tell him he's to rearrange and you'll be using the car that day as well. Stop pandering to the daft twat.

Yes. 100% this!

Perfect, DH can book the day off and you get the car, win win.