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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset about this - DH and dentist?

222 replies

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:26

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

OP posts:
baffledcoconut · 11/01/2023 16:19

He needs to take a day off.

you need to see the dentist.

don’t take the car though- if you’ve had your tooth messed around with you may not feel like driving. Public transport actually sounds a better plan this time AND THIS TIME ONLY.

Kindly as possible- you need to learn to stand up for yourself. You matter.

whoseafraidofnaomiwolf · 11/01/2023 16:24

daybroke · 11/01/2023 15:36

"I'm at the dentist that. You'll have to arrange with the company"

Absolutely this. Message back

"Great, I'm out at the dentist that day though so you'll have to arrange to be here or reschedule them"

Boundaries. Simples.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 11/01/2023 16:26

Its ok we can all stop posting, suddenly the DH is a great guy and OP has managed to accommodate his very sensible demand, so nothing to see here really ... Hmm

Theunamedcat · 11/01/2023 16:27

Get a key safe the trades can let themselves in you go to the dentist

Mumsanetta · 11/01/2023 16:29

@ToothHurtie what was the point of your post?

I think posters should start putting a disclaimer at the beginning of their post: “I am not prepared to take the advice that MN’ers have taken the time to give, I do not wish to actually change my situation and just want to have a moan”.

Mumsanetta · 11/01/2023 16:30

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 11/01/2023 16:26

Its ok we can all stop posting, suddenly the DH is a great guy and OP has managed to accommodate his very sensible demand, so nothing to see here really ... Hmm

Exactly! What a pain in the arse and waste of time.

Dumpstertruck · 11/01/2023 16:41

DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

What consequences does he face for continuing to do this? Absolutely none.

You are complaining to him to stop sending people round in the middle of your working day. And yet you continue to answer the door and engage with them. So no wonder he (clearly being a dick) continues to do it. He suffers no negative consequences from doing so, only you do, and he clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about that.

Go on strike. Stop answering the door to these people if he's not discussed with you first.

He needs to feel some personal consequences himself for his behaviour.

It's a shame his wife's inconclusive isn't sufficient.

Maria1982 · 11/01/2023 16:42

I am glad you have managed to rearrange your dental appointment.
however, from one doormat to another - please prioritise your Health in future !

I like you wfh and have had conversations with DH about not just booking in trades/deliveries and assuming I will deal with them.

some of the comments on this thread have touched a nerve with me - if I always sort it and just complain at him/ask to be thanked, rather than making him suffer the pain of fixing it - really there is no motivation for him to change !

Dumpstertruck · 11/01/2023 16:42

*inconvenience!

Usergjdksndjsn · 11/01/2023 16:45

How is this your problem to fix?
You’re busy. DH is busy
DH booked the apt knowing you were both busy.

Marblessolveeverything · 11/01/2023 16:55

He arranged it he needs to sort it. Until something important falls he will keep doing this. Your medical need is a need and you cant risk being without a dentist and suffering toothache because he hasn't capacity to check a calendar - I mean he has to do that task as part of his job?????

Lysianthus · 11/01/2023 16:57

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 11/01/2023 15:32

Go to the dentist appointment. DH can sort out the contractors himself or take annual leave etc. Not your problem.

This. Your appointment is far more important to your general health than whatever is going on at your house (unless you have no water/heating or roof).
He takes annual leave.

ImprobablePuffin · 11/01/2023 17:00

"You'll have to be here for them then, dearest H, for I will be at the dentist"

mummytippy · 11/01/2023 17:01

Forget the flaky tradesmaen... what if they don't turn up AGAIN!
Go to the Dentist. Your health and wellbeing comes first.

ImprobablePuffin · 11/01/2023 17:01

Peridot1 · 11/01/2023 15:33

Just reply and say “sorry I will be at the dentist that day remember?”.

Or this but without the sorry.

Lysianthus · 11/01/2023 17:02

Mumsanetta · 11/01/2023 16:29

@ToothHurtie what was the point of your post?

I think posters should start putting a disclaimer at the beginning of their post: “I am not prepared to take the advice that MN’ers have taken the time to give, I do not wish to actually change my situation and just want to have a moan”.

Indeed! Particularly as we've just has the drip feed of 'the house has had no power/lighting/heating for over three months!) Confused

ImprobablePuffin · 11/01/2023 17:04

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:34

DH can't take annual leave unfortunately (he's a teacher) and the company doing the work are really just complete and total bastards (we have no choice on who to use) and we desperately need it doing, so I recognise that we have to keep the appointment but DH clearly didn't even ask if they had any other slots and didn't even show any appreciation or consideration. I'll need to rebook the tooth (as much as I don't want to) but I understand that's my choice - I just wish he understood how frustrating it is to be unappreciated.

Um you don't need to cancel anything. DH (not you) needs to rebook and you go to the dentist.

GreenManalishi · 11/01/2023 17:05

This means I can't go to my dentist appointment

No it doesn't. All that means is that he has booked a tradesperson for the morning of January 18th, and you won't be in.

Shodan · 11/01/2023 17:08

So you've given your DH another pass, and got your dental appointment rebooked. Let's hope the arsehole company don't cancel last minute and reschedule on your new appointment date.

Going forward, how are you going to ensure that he doesn't continue to treat you like his skivvy?

hoppityscotch · 11/01/2023 17:08

No. You should keep your appointment. He shouldn't be arranging things for when you aren't in. Can't you do the arranging as he seems incapable.

MRSDoos · 11/01/2023 17:09

That’s good that you were able to re-arrange the dentist. Are you sure that DH checked the calendar and didn’t forget you had the dentist? Have you actually spoken to him and said “I have the dentist that day?” to see what he says.

This sounds like a deeper issue to me, you’ve said you feel under appreciated so I think that should be brought up with him.

amonsteronthehill · 11/01/2023 17:10

Tell your DH that's fantastic news. HE will be taking a personal day and staying home to deal with it and YOU will be taking the car to the dentist because your health comes first.

Lavender14 · 11/01/2023 17:10

Do you have any family or friends who could be in your house that morning to give access and ring you on speakerphone to discuss the job if needs be? Then you can still go to your appointment?

Passportpondery · 11/01/2023 17:13

JRsTornadoOfLove · 11/01/2023 15:47

I do find some teachers use the "no annual leave" thing as a bit of a get out of jail free card for absolutely everything

Totally agree.

Are you a teacher?

I’ve been given days off in the past for dental appointments, weddings and funerals. Absolutely no chance I would be allowed to take a day off for house repairs.

Nixynic · 11/01/2023 17:13

Don’t cancel the dentist, who knows how long before they can fit you in again. You are in pain.
Options:

  1. Call the company to politely explain your situation and ask if they can come another day.
  2. Ask a friend/relative/neighbour to be at your house for the morning to let in the tradespeople?
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