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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this - DH and dentist?

222 replies

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:26

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

OP posts:
Cas112 · 11/01/2023 15:52

It sounds like he needs to take the day off

CatNamedBob · 11/01/2023 15:52

Do not cancel your appointment! You need to prioritise your health (and teeth are part of your healthcare). Your DH can deal with the contractors or rearrange but it's his problem to solve.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/01/2023 15:54

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:26

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

Are you mad?

"Sorry DH/DP, you'll have to be here as I have the dentists appointment which can't be changed. I guess this means I can have the car at least so hopefully won't be gone all day now"

Until he has to sort out his own shit he will keep landing you in it.

Original poster
ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:55

With the leave issue. DH is on a one-year FTC with his school and, with budgeting issues, even though they desperately need teachers for his subjects, it's not 100% secure. He's already had to take time off for various things (DS has had covid, chicken pox and scarlet fever since September and was hospitalised after an accident so there's been a lot of absence already - although all of it was necessary). DH also had Covid and his school said he needed to take five days for that. On top of that, there was a day when childcare fell through and DH had to cover that (I covered every single other time though).

I may have jumped the gun somewhat. I spoke to the dentist and the receptionist was really lovely. I explained why the work was so urgent (we've been almost entirely without power for almost 3 months) and why it couldn't be moved (because the company suck). She put me down as an emergency and has managed to get it booked for a couple of weeks away so that's ok.

I'm still frustrated with DH though. I think he views my WFH as meaning I'm some kind of receptionist. If I choose to walk the dogs or go to the gym or grab a coffee on my lunch break then I'll inevitably miss a delivery or a tradesperson or something else important. Would it be so hard for him to say "please" and "thank you"?

OP posts:
ThingsChristmasJumper · 11/01/2023 15:55

Don’t cancel the dentist! Is there a friend or neighbour who can deal with the contractor? Even if you pay them?

Original poster
ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:57

TooHotToRamble · 11/01/2023 15:47

Do NOT miss the dentist. I am horrified you have waited 6 months since the last appt with sore and bleeding gums and damaged teeth. You could end up losing teeth and/or with severe gum recession problems. GO TO THE DENTIST. Your DH will need to sort the other appointment.

Just to clarify, the dentist said to wait 6 months because they needed to heal in order for him to be able to do the work.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 11/01/2023 15:58

Your husband needs to take a sickie from work so you can take the car and he can deal with the company at home.

Twiglets1 · 11/01/2023 15:59

Twiglets1 · 11/01/2023 15:58

Your husband needs to take a sickie from work so you can take the car and he can deal with the company at home.

Whoops just read your update

FlowerArranger · 11/01/2023 15:59

Mumsanetta · 11/01/2023 15:51

He does this because you allow him to. He didn’t even bother checking the diary because he knew you would accommodate it. He is at fault for being a dick but you’re also at fault for putting up with it. And yes, even though you just had a row about it he knows you’re not serious (and he’s right because you have already acknowledged that you will just rebook what is a vital appointment that will potentially leave you without a dentist at all). Good luck to you.

THIS.

@ToothHurtie - why on earth would even consider missing this vital appointment?!!!

Give your head a wobble, seriously!

LIZS · 11/01/2023 16:00

How urgent is the work really if you waited three months? No family or friends who could housesit and let them in? Dh pop back at lunchtime to check?

Original poster
ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 16:02

LIZS · 11/01/2023 16:00

How urgent is the work really if you waited three months? No family or friends who could housesit and let them in? Dh pop back at lunchtime to check?

It's really urgent - we have almost no power (no heating, no hot water etc). DH works half an hour away and his lunch break is only 35 minutes. Unfortunately, a named account holder has to be at the property and, although it's unlikely they'd check, I don't want to risk it. We've only just moved here (just over 3 months ago) so I don't know anyone locally very well - the friends I have made work.

OP posts:
LordSugarTits · 11/01/2023 16:03

Fuck me. Why do women do this to themselves?

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/01/2023 16:03

Your husband sounds like an abusive twat. What kind of man behaves like this to his wife? You carried a child and gave birth to it. You've been injured as a result of your pregnancy and in pain ever since. He is sabotaging your health and your career with his behaviour.

I repeat: WHAT KIND OF SHITTY HUSBAND BEHAVES LIKE THIS?

RedHelenB · 11/01/2023 16:04

irrate · 11/01/2023 15:31

Tell your DH you are not going to cancel your appointment. He agreed for them to come over he needs to be in the house to meet them.
Do not give in to this you need your tooth sorted. (From someone that currently has a broken tooth getting pulled our next week and who's DH is driving her to and from appointment an hour away.)

This. You need your tooth seeing to, you've waited half a year.

Probablymagrat · 11/01/2023 16:05

No. He needs to book a day off or take a sickie or somthing. You have to get your tooth done and keep your NHS dentist.

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/01/2023 16:05

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 16:02

It's really urgent - we have almost no power (no heating, no hot water etc). DH works half an hour away and his lunch break is only 35 minutes. Unfortunately, a named account holder has to be at the property and, although it's unlikely they'd check, I don't want to risk it. We've only just moved here (just over 3 months ago) so I don't know anyone locally very well - the friends I have made work.

Show quote history

PLEASE DO NOT CANCEL YOUR DENTIST APPOINTMENT.

Make him take the damned day off!!

Teaandtoast3 · 11/01/2023 16:05

I agree. Your husband sounds like an arse. Stop facilitating him.

jannier · 11/01/2023 16:07

"ok you will have to be here as I'm at the dentist and can't miss it. I'll take the car and should get home quicker" no debate

FatGirlSwim · 11/01/2023 16:10

YABU if you cancel your dentist appointment. That’s your choice if you don’t prioritise it, not DH’s. He can sort work, like every other teacher has to.

AxolotlEars · 11/01/2023 16:11

Go to the dental appointment.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 11/01/2023 16:13

Wow.. I think there’s a lot of projection going on in this thread.

From the OP’s comments this sounds like a run of the mill scheduling conflict between two important things. I don’t know about the rest of you but in this situation me and my DH would sit down and figure out what is easiest to move with the least amount of impact.

From the OP’s comments DH is treading on thin ice due to absences to cover sick children and personal sickness. The contractor likely gave few to no options for scheduling so He took it to see what could be worked around. the OP was able to reschedule the dentist (which probably was the easiest to move).

I think if the the dentist couldn’t have been moved then either DH stayed home (and risked his job!) or the contractor would need to be rescheduled. Both of those are clearly the not a great options.

SallyWD · 11/01/2023 16:14

There's absolutely no way I'd miss the dentist appointment. No way on earth! You simply have to go and your DH will have to rearrange.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2023 16:15

AreOttersJustWetCats · 11/01/2023 15:36

Teacher or not - this is his problem to solve.

Making him solve it will make him consider your needs in future.

This. Absolutely.

Do not cancel your appointment. Your health is more important. And remember they didn’t come last time. You’ll be really kicking yourself if you cancel and they don’t come.

AlisonDonut · 11/01/2023 16:18

Ok so the appointment is moved, but if he uses the car for work, then don't you just drop him off at work and take the car to the appointment, and then pick him up later?

Lindtcat · 11/01/2023 16:18

Let him take a sick day to deal with it. Go to your appointment. Your health is more important. Seems like you're way may considerate of him, then he is of you.