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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this - DH and dentist?

222 replies

ToothHurtie · 11/01/2023 15:26

I had really bad HG during my pregnancy with DD. As a result of being sick so much, I got awful damage to my teeth and gums. I saw a dentist who tried to do a filling but I was bleeding too much (not sure if this was caused by the anaemia I had or the bad gums) and so he had to stop, temporarily patch it up and booked me an appointed for six months later (January, next week). He gave me some prescription toothpaste and I've had iron infusions since so I'm supposed to be getting the filling sorted next week and then hopefully my non-stop tooth pain will be over.

Since June (when I was last at the dentist) we've moved house and we're now two hours away from the dentist but no dentists anywhere near us are taking on NHS patients so we want to keep our membership at the old dentist until something opens up here. Because DH uses the car for work, this means I need to get public transport next week which means going via central London and it's a ball-ache but it is what it is. It'll take pretty much the whole day.

There's a job that needs doing on our house that's urgent. It's needed doing for about three months but the company that has to do it are very difficult and evasive. It was booked in for the end of November and I waited in all day but they didn't show up. We're renovating our house so we have a lot of tradespeople coming and going, I WFH. DH and I have had multiple discussions about him not booking people when I'm supposed to be working and just expecting me to stop work to deal with them. It's never a case of just opening the door - there's always long discussions about this-and-that and where things go or needing to move things or needing to make decisions that I don't know the answer to. DH and I literally had a row last weekend when I'd begged him to stop having people popping by during my work hours to discuss things, he promised to stop and then booked yet another person because it's was just one person.

Anyway, he's just messaged me now saying "[Company] just called. [The job] Jan 18th between 8am and 12". That's the whole message. This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

OP posts:
Passportpondery · 11/01/2023 17:14

Do not cancel your dentist appointment. The work on the house can’t be that important since you have been waiting since November.

Tell him he has to rearrange it.

Northby · 11/01/2023 17:14

If the company weren’t able to come for five weeks then this wouldn’t be an issue no matter how urgent the task is. Although they are able to come, you aren’t available, so it’s the same thing. You don’t have to cancel your appt, your husband has to rearrange the date to one that works for you. I would argue your tooth is MORE urgent than the task and you must prioritise fixing your tooth particularly to stop it getting any worse! It’s your husband’s problem to sort out rearranging the contractor.

FWIW if my husband behaved like that I would absolutely hit the roof. I wouldn’t bend over backward to accommodate his poor planning.

Eilan50 · 11/01/2023 17:14

OP I would check with dentist first. rescheduling the dentist may be as difficult as rescheduling the work on the house. My NHS dentist is so busy that unless it's emergency everything books at least 2 months ahead and often longer.

ImprobablePuffin · 11/01/2023 17:18

All my posts were before I read all updates.

OP you do see that your just martyring yourself?

Your husband won't change because you facilitate him. What a frustrating thread

CuntyChopss · 11/01/2023 17:19

It’s amazing how he can arrange all these appointments for you in his 35 minute break. Strange he can take calls willy nilly too.

Darhon · 11/01/2023 17:20

He calls back and rearranges. Sorry but you have managed since they let you down before so it’s not truly urgent. You need to get your tooth done. That’s the end of it. Dental appointments are also hard to come by.

Lilibert456 · 11/01/2023 17:25

Why won't you stand up to him? Stop bring such a doormat. He might even respect you for it. Go to the dentist FGS and woman up.

shewolfsout · 11/01/2023 17:29

You won't get taken off their list for rearranging an appointment, that's for a no show that happens. So if you are going to reschedule do it sooner rather than later.

RJnomore1 · 11/01/2023 17:39

You’re living in a house with no heating, no hot water, with a small baby and in constant dental pain? Is that right?

Theres something very wrong there.

FeetupTvon · 11/01/2023 17:41

Why should the Job at home take precedence over your tooth pain?

endofthelinefinally · 11/01/2023 17:44

Nothing is more important than your health. I had HG with each pregnancy and I have lost teeth because of it, in spite of paying for private dental care, my tooth enamel was badly damaged. Your husband obviously doesn't care.

Cait8 · 11/01/2023 17:52

I’d reply something along the lines of “oh that’s brilliant! Assume that means you’ve booked the day off work since I’m at the dentist that day? And I’ll be able to take the car now too since you won’t need it for work which will make things so much easier!”

TulipCat · 11/01/2023 17:57

Being a corporate arsehole does not mean a company can fail to take into account the availability of their paying clients. Your DH needs to go back to them and rebook. He probably just doesn't want to "lose face" by doing so - loads of men are like this and then expect their partner to reschedule.

wowwhydoesmybackhurtwaaah · 11/01/2023 17:58

This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?This means I can't go to my dentist appointment and it'll take months to get another because they're so booked up! It also means I risk losing my NHS place because I know they remove people if they don't attend appointments or cancel with too little notice. I appreciate that this job needs doing urgently and that this company are arseholes so I know this job has to take precedence over my dentist appointment but AIBU to think DH could say "please" or ask me first or show any consideration or appreciation?

God no, are you mad? You just say, oh ok, I hope you remembered I won't be here though, so you'll have to arrange to be here yourself.

Youre crazy if you cancel your appt, and you're just asking for him to walk all over you!

shewolfsout · 11/01/2023 17:59

Is there anyone else who could sit in for you that day?

that1970shouse · 11/01/2023 18:07

Peridot1 · 11/01/2023 15:33

Just reply and say “sorry I will be at the dentist that day remember?”.

This.

He needs to take the time off work.

Rhythmisadancer · 11/01/2023 18:10

so your dentist treats you more considerately than your husband does

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 11/01/2023 18:11

Reschedule the house appointment. Teeth much more important

GUARDIAN1 · 11/01/2023 18:19

I'd have just texted back "Sorry. You'll have to rearrange. I'll be at the dentist".

LuckyPeonies · 11/01/2023 18:27

Tell him you will be at the dentist that day, so he’ll have to sort it out. End of.

Rainbowshit · 11/01/2023 18:34

Dentist way more important.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 11/01/2023 18:39

@Passportpondery yes I am ..which is why I started with "in the 5 schools I've worked in". This isn't standard repairs, it's pretty urgent and yes I have been given time off in similar circs, plus I'm a single parent so all kid X2 sickness etc is down to me. As I said, maybe my 5 line managers and cover admin we're unusually tolerant, or maybe yours are unusually harsh.

lieselotte · 11/01/2023 18:40

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 11/01/2023 15:32

Go to the dentist appointment. DH can sort out the contractors himself or take annual leave etc. Not your problem.

Exactly this. He has created the problem, so he has to solve it. Not you.

lieselotte · 11/01/2023 18:43

But of course, as the woman, you solved it.

Plus ca change and all that.

CoffeeLover90 · 11/01/2023 18:49

I understand the need for this job however, in future refuse to assist with others when you're working. I get it though, when I'm WFH I'm seen as at home, running backwards and forwards from the laptop to deal with child, cooking, pets... it infuriated me.
I haven't read the full thread, just your replies, so I apologise if someone has already said this - just a warning about the tooth. I had a reoccurring abcess in early pregnancy. The dentist refused to deal with tooth at first and the pain was extreme. Eventually at 13 weeks I was given a temporary filling and told to go back after the birth for root canal. I went when ds was around 3 months old (long wait times) and the tooth could not hbe saved, it had broken under the filling. I was told it was due to the length of time.