Judgy non-parents - what did you have to back down on after you had kids?

[ThirtyTwoGoingUnder]

Lighthearted thread.

I have a DF that loves commenting on how all her friends parent their kids and all the rods they make for their own backs and how she'd do it differently blah blah. She has so much to say about everything. I have 2 DC and whilst she never comments on my parenting I often wonder if she comments about it to her other friends. Anyway DF has just had 1st baby (1 month) and has already backtracked on a few things such as co-sleeping etc. I must admit, I'm looking forward to the toddler years 😂

What did you have to backtrack on after you had kids that you never thought you would? Also tell me your funny stories of judgy friends who had kids and had to eat all their words!

All of the things. They weren’t going to have junk food or fizzy drinks. No screens, would obviously be massive bookworms and well educated, well rounded little humans.

They are in actual fact ND, semi feral and most days I’d give them anything they wanted just so they leave me alone! 🤣

My child will not be a fussy eater.
They will be a bookworm
They will want to travel and see the world with me.
They will never wear a football kit unless playing football.
They will love Bowie as much as I do.
They would never call me a fat cunt.
I could go on 😂

I decided to breastfeed a few weeks before having my little one as we discovered issues with his kidneys and liver on a late scan. But I have such sensitive nipples and read how hard bf is so stocked up on formula and assumed I’d give up within a few hours so didn’t research much. I ended up bf for 2 years as it just came naturally and my nipples coped 😅 pre child me would have been mortified at the thought of someone bf a nearly 2 year old! Also no dummies, tv all the usuals!

I told a friend I was finding the days quite dull with a newborn and toddler and she suggested I do a post grad in my ‘down time’. Holding her own new born, “Mate, you know when I said…”

Same.

Last year DH started calling my car 'The wheelie bin'.

I wouldn't say I was judgemental, mostly because I had never been around parents of young children. The only cousin in the family who's had babies in the recent past is one that I don't see often and she's also an infuriatingly perfect person and parent tbh so nothing to judge really. I have no friends with babies as we're all fairly young still.

So whilst I don't think I was exactly judgemental, I had a few things that I was adamant I was going to stick to as a parent, the biggest one really is no screen time. And to be honest, I have stuck to that. My son is now over a year old and he's watched tv three times in his whole life.

However, the only reason I've stuck to that is sheer stubbornness and refusal to admit defeat. I'm no longer at all convinced that a responsible amount of screen time with age-appropriate material does a child any harm whatsoever.

Actually, there was one thing that whilst I wasn't exactly judgemental, I did feel ever so pleased with myself that I was going to do, and that's breastfeeding. All my family breastfed with no real issues, so I was sure it was going to be a breeze. Haha, no. We had a bloody awful time of it and ended up combi feeding. Again, the only reason I even combi fed at all instead of just formula was sheer stubbornness. I'm not convinced it did my baby a lick of good given the circumstances (cba to go into it but just trust me, that baby did not want to breastfeed).

One that I see lots of people on here being judgemental about is dummies - I was actually pretty pro-dummy, as I'd read about how it is a protective factor against SIDS. But did my baby want a dummy? Not on your nelly. He's inherited my stubbornness, that's for sure!

Definitely food. I was going to have zero tolerance on fussiness and raise gourmet children.

That ... didn't happen.

What do people think stopping a toddler from watching any television at all actually achieves, apart from self-congratulatory points?

A wee bit of telly has its place.

I very well recall a friend of DH's being very vocally sneery over the fact that our Ds1 would only eat french fries or pizza when out for dinner. He just Would. Not. Let. It Go. He had a 3 month old at the time.

It did not work out for him either.

I very privately and just to myself gave in to extensive Schadenfreude.

There's a great line in one of the Nick Hornby books about someone who didn't watch tv as a kid.

Something like 'he didn't become a visionary poet, just a solicitor like everybody else'.

That stayed with me 😂

I told everyone I’d be a childminder when I had kids, I’d skip through fields with half a dozen cherubs behind me and bake nutritious, perfectly decorated cakes. Then I had my own kids and, oddly, I never mentioned becoming a childminder ever again.

Oh yes @LuckyC27 - “if they’re old enough to ask for it, they’re too old”. I ended up tandem feeding my 3yo and newborn… 3yo commented discerningly to horrified PiL on the change in flavour after DS2 was born

This is really tickling me, the idea of taking the baby somewhere else and undoing their babygro poppers 100 times per day just to check 😂

No or very limited screen time.... Now I turn the TV on just to get 10 minutes peace!

Pretty much everything:
Sleeping - sleep wherever but please just go to sleep
Feeding - turns out life is too short and too busy to make wonderful home cooked food for every meal. Also McDonald's!!!
Routine - babies don't just slot in amd when you think you've nailed it another bloody tooth pops through
Activities - I hate playdoh, not a fan of nursery rhymes and even why I try really hard a lot the stuff I thought I'd love I really don't

Oh and the 8 year old still sucks their thumb

@Picklewicklepickle I know, I was utterly clueless!! I had never had much to do with babies until I had my own. Took me about a day after birth to realise why everybody does it

If they're not watching TV the theory is that they're doing something else more beneficial to their development.

Some shows are addictive and/or may cause behaviour problems (eg Cocomelon). The image changes too fast.

There's evidence that it slows language development and inhibits concentration.

I trust that the WHO recommends no TV before 2 for a reason.

More tv tends to result in less sleep and lack of sleep is developmentally damaging. So causing issues there indirectly.

Dummy

I had lovely visions of ds spending most of his time jumping in puddles and playing in mud, with me in the background being 'woman laughing with salad'.

Turns out when it's you who washes all the clothes and cleans all the floors and bathes the toddler you're not quite so bloody keen on untrammelled mud every day.

I wasn’t around anyone with kids to be judging and never really thought about what I’d do in detail. I somehow thought babies and toddlers would be easier to control 😂

I do have a friend of the family who I dislike but who I see at occasional gatherings. She doesn’t have children but is insufferable with her comments. My baby started crying and I was trying to comfort him. In really loud voice she starts asking someone else there if baby is hungry. It just stuff like that that comes across almost passive aggressive. I mean I wouldn’t mind too much if someone asked me directly if the baby might be hungry though most parents are aware that could be a reason but it’s the way she goes about it.

Oh and extended breastfeeding. Before I had kids I thought breastfeeding beyond the age of 1 was weird. Now I think it's perfectly natural and normal.

Toddler reins. Turns out they’re a necessity when you have a toddler with suspected adhd who won’t stay still and can slip out of your hand and vanish into a crowd in the blink of an eye! Particularly when you have another child and bags of shopping with you.

I assumed the parent didn’t want to be stuck with Peppa on repeat 8 hrs a day themselves - that’s my definitely main driver for discouraging DS from Pink Fong on YouTube. He can watch as much Go For A Walk and Dino Dana as he likes.

Some people are just snobby about TV in general, but I associate those attitudes more with the 1980s than now.

Fussy eating. Was sure I’d never “pander” to it, they’d eat what we ate, blah blah blah

Was sure I was marvellous with dc1 who happily ate everything and anything

Then came dc2. Genuine sensory food issues. Had to (pun intended) eat my words