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Original poster

Judgy non-parents - what did you have to back down on after you had kids?

212 replies

ThirtyTwoGoingUnder · 10/01/2023 09:14

Lighthearted thread.

I have a DF that loves commenting on how all her friends parent their kids and all the rods they make for their own backs and how she'd do it differently blah blah. She has so much to say about everything. I have 2 DC and whilst she never comments on my parenting I often wonder if she comments about it to her other friends. Anyway DF has just had 1st baby (1 month) and has already backtracked on a few things such as co-sleeping etc. I must admit, I'm looking forward to the toddler years 😂

What did you have to backtrack on after you had kids that you never thought you would? Also tell me your funny stories of judgy friends who had kids and had to eat all their words!

OP posts:
Shimy · 10/01/2023 11:20

That I would never shout, I would never raise my voice. Everything would be explained calmly.

I would never say, 'Because I said so! or Because I'm your mum!'. I'd always give reasoned explanations when questioned.

That I'd have 4!🙄

whoruntheworldgirls · 10/01/2023 11:22

Not me but my husband, wanted all wooden toys, that very quickly went out the window, she's 6 now has barbie everywhere 😂

pictoosh · 10/01/2023 11:30

Oh wooden toys. I must confess to that one...no plastic tat in my house thanks. I neglected to take into account that wooden toys are dreary, uninspiring and roundly ignored by kids. Wasted £££s before I gave in.

Snickerdoodle17 · 10/01/2023 11:31

ADHD. My young ignorant pre-kids self saying that imo ADHD was used an excuse for a lot of badly behaved kids. Fast forward some years and my eldest was diagnosed with ADHD. It's retribution!

willithappen · 10/01/2023 11:34

Dd is only just 1 so I still have a lot to learn but co-sleeping is one. She was a perfect sleeper from about 7 weeks to 7 months and then with teething, crawling, walking etc it all went out the window and she's been co-sleeping since. Bed is in our room and we'll put her in there once fallen asleep but at some point she'll wake and realise she's not beside me and cry until she's taken in. I'm way too tired and grumpy when woken so I caved and did the easiest thing and take her in with me so kind of made a rod for my own back.
However, I do feel they are only young once and she won't always need me like this. I enjoy the cuddles and closeness and because I work full time I worry I don't get enough time with her so sleeping together is a way to help me bond I think.

I might try sleep training soon, but I'm such a sucker and can't see her cry for long.

Shimy · 10/01/2023 11:39

@FellOnMyArseToDay I think the strangest item on your list is, not taking children on holiday abroad as that is spoiling them. Confused

Children travelling abroad is fantastic for learning and understanding of the wider world we live in. Experiencing different cultures, weathers and different people. I wish we could have done more of it.

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 10/01/2023 11:39

So much.

TV time. Dummies (swore I wouldn’t until I got my first screamy baby). Being like my mother. Very plasticky toys.

Ohhmydays · 10/01/2023 11:41

ProserpinaProserpina · 10/01/2023 09:22

Screen time. I was going to be organising wholesome activities all the time obviously. Now I shove the TV on and hide regularly 😂

This. If it wasn’t for the tv I would literally get zero housework done.

I was out with a friend once and saw someone with a child (about 2/3yr old) the kid was having a major meltdown. I said Aw poor woman. Friend then said when I have kids mine won’t dare act like that. Now she has 2 that do it and her oldest is now 7 acts twice as bad as that 2/3yr old. Basically they know if their out act like that and mummy will buy them what they want to keep them quiet 😂

LogicVoid · 10/01/2023 11:41

I wish I’d never used a dummy - DS(2) is obsessed. Any tips for getting them off them!?

Bribery. As soon as they have language understanding, you get something very desirable (specific toy for e.g., a rare chocolate treat for e.g., you get the idea). It is then placed in view but inaccessible; "that's for when you are a big DS and don't need a dummy anymore and put it in the bin'. Then when they voluntarily put in bin, they get the reward and lots of praise. Empty bin immediately. When dummy is later requested, you remind them matter-of-factly that it has gone now. Worked for all of mine, worth a go!

MushMonster · 10/01/2023 11:42

Reins for toddlers

ElsieMc · 10/01/2023 11:46

I dont know what is worse tedious, judgy non parents telling me where I went wrong many years back or performance perfect parents.

When I returned to work from maternity leave thirty odd years ago, there was a woman who made continual snarky comments about me leaving my baby. Comments like she would never do that, her mother would never childmind like mine did, never sent hers to nursery blah blah. Sounds like nothing now but at the time I felt teary and guilt ridden and she was a bitch. Needless to say she returned to work pretty pronto after having hers!

My dd's friend is very, very strict with her little girl. Before age two she had to do daily counting and identifying colours etc which she would then make my dd watch as my gd also 2 failed to identify anything! Worse was when they went on holiday together and my son in law bought all the toddlers an icecream and this little girl was refused one by her dm. Quite within her rights but her poor little ones face.

JenniferBarkley · 10/01/2023 11:46

Loving your work @PeeAche2 Grin

I don't think there's been much for me (yet...). My best friend is childless and likely to remain so. She is a fan of "I wouldn't stand for that".

What she doesn't get, and I didn't get before first baby turned into toddler, is that not standing for things is so much bloody work! You have to tell them hundreds of times over years how to behave, and spend the preschool years turning into a shrill nag in the hopes that by the time they're 8 they won't be doing those things I "don't stand for". It's gentle reminding, scolding, more reminding, threats and then (the absolute worst) following through on the threats and regretting saying no in the first place.

Original poster
ThirtyTwoGoingUnder · 10/01/2023 11:49

nc8975 · 10/01/2023 11:17

Bubblegum flavoured toothpaste! Realised the constant battle of mint toothpastes was just not worth it

Waawaa it's spicy 😩

😂😂😂

These are amazing, keep them coming!
Also 'calpol for everything' 😂 I've found my people!

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 10/01/2023 11:49

Montague22 · 10/01/2023 11:01

I was going to learn to see on maternity leave as I’d have so much time 🤣
My children were going to have a small amount of carefully curated toys so they would value them. They have so much ‘stuff’!
I wasn’t going to lose myself and would still always do my hair and dress nicely all the time- ha! I wouldn’t have a ‘mum bun’ and unflattering clothes. My 1st seemed determined to be sick on me just before we went anywhere.

I was going to learn how to embroider 🤦🏻‍♀️

maddy68 · 10/01/2023 11:50

I always said I would never give in to them. .....I still think that's the right approach however I was very much for an easy life

Fanacapan · 10/01/2023 11:51

A friend was adamant she would never allow her boys to play with guns (toy ones) until she found them play fighting shooting each other with runner beans!

Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal · 10/01/2023 11:54

Another adhd one here. Always thought it's bad parenting, until my youngest. I'll never judge again

pictoosh · 10/01/2023 12:03

Fanacapan · 10/01/2023 11:51

A friend was adamant she would never allow her boys to play with guns (toy ones) until she found them play fighting shooting each other with runner beans!

Yep. I was the same. My son made guns out of lots of other things...sticks, cardboard tubes, Lego. He even bit his toast into the shape of a gun.

Runner beans is hilarious.

Picklewicklepickle · 10/01/2023 12:03

Extended BF, I never wanted to BF a talking toddler but DC2 is nearly 3 and still BF at night (I’d love to stop now but don’t actually have the mental capacity to deal with it, plus she gets a lot of comfort from it and they’re only little and cuddly once).

Cartoon character clothes, DC2 went to nursery yesterday head to toe in Peppa items, they make her so happy and it makes it easier to get dressed/shoes and and coats on to get out the door in the mornings so fuck it.

Bribery. Plastic tat toys. Screen time. Sweets.

I did manage to avoid dummies and have those drug-free hypnobirth water births you see on the class videos but I acknowledge both of those were out of pure luck! Whatever works for you quickly becomes order of the day.

wouldthatbeworse · 10/01/2023 12:04

I used to say I was never going to issue empty threats like Dsis did. I would follow through on ‘no ice cream’ etc. ha ha ha. I also had a thing that my children would sit down to eat a snack and not run around with food in their hands/mouth. Not a battle I would now pick.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 10/01/2023 12:10

Always said I wouldn't use a dummy. Second kid never shuts up unless he's got either food or a dummy in his mouth (11 months old) and it sets my toddler off screaming when he shouts.

Potty training. As a kid I was potty trained at 12mths so assumed my DD would be the same. She's still in nappies and she's almost 3. I hate it but have to accept it's not happening any time soon.

Messy house. It's horrendous but more to do with having no time for a full renovation project due to the kids rather than the kids being messy.

Also said we wouldn't spoil them and they'd have minimal toys. 😂😂😂😂 massive fail - so many toys it's ridiculous. Plus we said we wanted mainly wooden toys but have to instead put up with all the plastic crap that family buys them.

Crispyturtle · 10/01/2023 12:13

I couldn’t understand people who said they never got to go to the toilet alone, surely you just leave them outside the bathroom and lock the door? Well it turns out yes you can do that but you have to listen to them scream bloody murder while you’re trying to have a poo. 100% easier to accept your fate and let them sit on your knee.

Changechangychange · 10/01/2023 12:17

I was never judgy, but I thought elimination communication sounded like a really good idea pre-baby - that idea went in the bin the minute DS was born.

ricketybeauty · 10/01/2023 12:21

Didn't really judge others parenting, but I was definitely always going to put down the baby and not let them nap on me. I honestly didn't realise that they'd just wake up if you put them down!!

pictoosh · 10/01/2023 12:24

Just quickly googled elimination communication. Mwah ha ha. I had actually heard of this concept before but didn't know what it was called.

I think a lot of concept parenting is for people with pots of cash lying around, oodles of free time and a good dose of narcissism to dedicate to their cause. Lovely for them of course but not realistic for most.