Judgy non-parents - what did you have to back down on after you had kids?

[ThirtyTwoGoingUnder]

Lighthearted thread.

I have a DF that loves commenting on how all her friends parent their kids and all the rods they make for their own backs and how she'd do it differently blah blah. She has so much to say about everything. I have 2 DC and whilst she never comments on my parenting I often wonder if she comments about it to her other friends. Anyway DF has just had 1st baby (1 month) and has already backtracked on a few things such as co-sleeping etc. I must admit, I'm looking forward to the toddler years 😂

What did you have to backtrack on after you had kids that you never thought you would? Also tell me your funny stories of judgy friends who had kids and had to eat all their words!

@pictoosh ha ha ha, yep! Brilliant!

Screens 😂. Had a judgy conversation with my husband pre kids about a friends 2 year old who had a tablet with peppa pig to keep him quiet in a restaurant while we waited for food. I SWORE I would never do that.
3 years later….😂

I was mostly not a judgey-non parent. But I will never ever stop feeling the shame about the time, heavily pregnant and in the middle of preparing DS' nursery, I spoke with a friend who had a 1 year old who was a terrible sleeper. I pompously walked out of the nursery into our bedroom, in my memory I'm smugly rubbing my belly but that might just be the embarrassment talking, and said to DH, "No child of mine won't be sleeping through the night at 1 year old."

The universe clearly felt I needed MASSIVE payback and DS didn't sleep through until he was 7 and is still a terrible sleeper.

The one that gets me though is SIL. She had SOOOOO Many opinions about children before she had any - mostly around boundaries and children knowing their place. All of which have been abandoned. But what annoys me is that unlike the rest of us, she doesn't even REMEMBER all her opinions and/or is convinced she IS parenting with all these boundaries. At least have the grace to make fun of yourself!

I was pretty realistic about how parenting would go down.

But as an introvert I was really hoping I would never have to step into a Toys R Us (huge brightly lit warehouse full of garish toys and noisy children - what’s not to like?). WRONG!

I was also hoping I’d never have to put shit drawings on my fridge, but their little hopeful shining eyes soon put a stop to that.

What I had never envisaged was the utter ugly tat that gets bought for you on every school trip, day out. And they of course think you will treasure it and put it on display.

It will be interesting when my own DD has a child. She is all about the aesthetic.

Everything, absolutely everything. If I could go back and say it again I'd say just do what you gotta do to get through 😅

ElsieMc
Your friend sounds quite cruel. I would have to step in there and tell her she's being nasty. Not all abusers do so with bruises. To deny her toddler snd ice cream with all the rest (allergies excepted) Is simply unkind. Tell her.

I was going to retrain as an accountant 😂😂😂 what the hell was I thinking?

Absolutely this. I stuck with it, going completely insane, until I overheard DS in bed one night in his bed asking questions out loud to no one and just as happy getting absolutely no response. I realised that, to be frank, he doesn’t give a single shit whether I respond or not - he just likes talking.

It is cruel but it's not intended to be. They genuinely think they're being consistent and doing what's right, even if it's unpopular. Back when my kids were little, I was friendly with lots of other alternative type mums and went to activities and groups and saw a fair bit of this sort of denial of treats. One little girl I remember was always handed a bag of hazelnuts when the (homemade, obviously) cake went round. No sugar for you missy. Enjoy your...hazelnuts.

I was going to hypnobirth out 3 children, nourish them from my own breasts, raise them on green beans and steamed fish and family game nights of trivial pursuit. Before waving them off to Cambridge to pursue whatever makes them happy. It’s a shame.

😅

My biggest reversal is going from being contentedly child-free to a step-parent of many children. It's been an education, let me say!

I think we do very well, all things considered, but I do bemoan how much crap Netflix cartoon shite they watch after school. Low quality crap. We don't have a TV licence, so no Cbeebies.

And so far we are kicking all indolent 18+ year olds out, rather than bankrolling their sloth-like behaviour. Cue Mumsnet lynch squad.

I used to judge parents who let their kids run around in shops and restaurants. I thought they must be terrible parents for their children to be so badly behaved. Then I had DD and she was absolutely feral. No amount of parenting could get her to stay still and she still goes in the trolley seat in shops sometimes at age 5 if I suspect she won't behave.

I never judged anyone on it but I also said that I would definitely breastfeed. I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't but DD was having none of it. By my second child, I just said that I was bottle-feeding as I couldn't be arsed trying to breastfeed again.

Also once gave a vegan child a tumbler of milk as I forgot she was vegan and she asked for it. She was about 3 I think. Mum was in a proper tizz...very angry with me but politely trying not to be. Bless her. I did apologise profusely.

Bloody everything!

screen time (although he was at least 2 before watching Telly), breastfeeding, co sleeping, how tidy my house is… it’s a long long list

This is a second baby one, our first we could take anywhere, she’d sleep where she was and that suited us really well. I’d secretly judge parents who had to take baby home for bedtime early (think weddings or meal out) thinking they were crazy. Well guess what, my second baby dictated her bedtime at about 2 months old and that was that, we tried to keep her out longer a few times where she’d sleep in the buggy but wow did that mess things up for DAYS ON END. We leave places at 7pm now 😂

I wasn't around children much before I had them so wasn't judging or forming rock solid views - but was surprised to end up co-sleeping.

I did I get anti dummy in response to being pushed by anti bf family - but then I walked home with a woman left in tears by a stranger having a go at her for her very young baby having a dummy and I though just no - babies are different so just no.

DH was anti-pink and I was anti pushing stiff at kids because of their sex - so we dyed some clothes for pfb black when IL brought an entire pink wardrobe of clothes. Later when girls asked for pink rooms and DS blue I shrugged and painted them and DH moaned - but MIL did changed to listen to what the kids actually liked not what she thought they should and got very good at it.

I'm glad we had three though - as we were in constant battle of no that's not because he a boy/girl it's personality from wider family and I worry we could have ended up instead of following the kids lead getting pushy about pushing back and not allowing dolls or trucks in response.

@GerbilsForever24
"The one that gets me though is SIL. She had SOOOOO Many opinions about children before she had any - mostly around boundaries and children knowing their place. All of which have been abandoned. But what annoys me is that unlike the rest of us, she doesn't even REMEMBER all her opinions and/or is convinced she IS parenting with all these boundaries. At least have the grace to make fun of yourself!"
My SIL too, except that she went one step further, maintaining her stance on other people's children - but hers was 'special' and 'different' and 'bright' and 'curious' so couldn't be raised in the way everyone else should raise theirs.

Just quickly googled elimination communication. Mwah ha ha. I had actually heard of this concept before but didn't know what it was called.

I've also heard of the concept, but not the name. Close acquaintances planning to do it with DC1 (along with everything else they think they can train) but think they're in for a rude awakening...

Dummy past the age of 1. As if a 13 month old is just going to hand it over with no problem.
I’ll never regret the dummy use though, she went to bed at 8am and slept through until 6am from 5 months with a dummy. Night waking? Yes but a rub on the back, dummy back in mouth (and one in hand), job done.

Dummies was anther 1. Ds1 didn’t have 1. Doctors recommended 1 for ds2 as he was early. He only had it to fall asleep until grandma bought slightly bigger 1s that he liked a lot a better. Only got it in the house though. Just turned 3 in august and managed to get him off them at Xmas as Santa took them away because he’s too big. He left them out on the plate with Santas eclairs lol. Ds3(8months)just has his to fall asleep. Soon as he’s sleeping he spits it out and I take it through the kitchen for the steriliser. Had to give in when he was 6wks as he would just take bottle after bottle after bottle. My ds1 was potty trained before he could walk. I thought same would happen with ds2 but he was about 2 and a half.

I was anti dummy and in my wisdom decided to go down blankie route thinking that's better. I have 4 DC, eldest 11 who STILL has his blankie under his pillow or hidden inside his pillow case if he has friends round...Had it been a dummy it would be long gone- I've created a weirdo, possibly 4 of them! 🙃

Before DC I was judgey over really funny things, like sandwiches- why did my friend always give their toddlers sandwiches when out and about, always either cheese or ham or cheese and ham. Then I had toddlers and realised how easy it is to hand them a no mess sandwich to quieten them down 😂

When I was pregnant I was self employed at the time and decided that I didn't need to take any maternity leave as the baby would come into work with me as sleep quietly in her pram. I was going to take 2 weeks off and then back to normal the theory being children fit into your life not vice versa. I got really a bit annoyed at everyone telling me that wasn't going to happen and it just took organisation.
Oh how neieve I was and no she didn't sleep quietly in her pram. I did return back within 2 weeks I have to admit when covid hit and I couldn't work I was secretly glad of the rest and I got to be her Mum and enjoy it!

Oh and btw, for anyone stupid enough to be considering 'blankie' as comforter for their baby. Remember to buy lots, they're not the same and good luck for trying to wash it, when washed they don't smell the same.

For me it's not that I've backtracked on the parenting, but it's all the other stuff.

I completely underestimated how busy mat leave / being home with a toddler would be and had imagined myself as having the house all clean and everything running smoothly. I also thought I'd be such a well rounded and interesting person as I thought id be able to pursue so many interests now I'm not in the office 12 hrs a day (i worked long hours previously).

Instead, I still hardly have any time to myself and haven't developed any new hobbies or interests, my whole focus has been this new little life form in my arms. I'm your stereotypical boring new mum - obsessed with my baby and disinterested in everything else!

So true, we were living in Germany when they were small and they knew more about ferries than about buses.
As a GP I wonder what other GPs keep their mouth shut about but silently eye-roll?