Judgy non-parents - what did you have to back down on after you had kids?

[ThirtyTwoGoingUnder]

Lighthearted thread.

I have a DF that loves commenting on how all her friends parent their kids and all the rods they make for their own backs and how she'd do it differently blah blah. She has so much to say about everything. I have 2 DC and whilst she never comments on my parenting I often wonder if she comments about it to her other friends. Anyway DF has just had 1st baby (1 month) and has already backtracked on a few things such as co-sleeping etc. I must admit, I'm looking forward to the toddler years 😂

What did you have to backtrack on after you had kids that you never thought you would? Also tell me your funny stories of judgy friends who had kids and had to eat all their words!

[GerbilsForever24]

@BunchHarman

I hope you’ve pointed her backtracking out to her. 😌

that sounds like it might be aimed at me re SIL?

I WISH. Sadly, not. Well, DH and I have tried making a few general, low key, non-judgemental comments a few times but it's simply not heard.

[Danikm151]

I was adamant that quavers and greggs sausage rolls would be nowhere near the pushchair after working in a place that meant i was constantly vaccuuming the crumbs.

now if my son hasn’t eaten I can guarantee a greggs sausage roll will be eaten 😂 still having to vaccuum those crumbs!

[Soapnotshowergel]

I don't think I had loads of ideals about how I'd parent - we had kids later than our friends and family so had a good idea about what to expect, its been handy to know what the next stage looks like!

Mine would be:
Eating in the car seat or buggy, turns out there's no time to sit nicely at the table sometimes

Reusable nappies - they got sold on ebay two weeks later when I ran out of enthusiasm

Dummies - both of mine had them, I still hate the look of them but they do the trick.

[shinynewapple22]

@pictoosh

I can't wait for some mumsnetters' kids to hit their teens/early 20s.
Let's see if they think their kid is an adult now and kick them out. Heh.

Or the ones always quoting that they were living independently with a job after travelling alone around Europe age 16. That they may actually worry about their own children and want to keep them safe !

[Proteinpudding]

Not me, but my best male friend has two young kids. He's a big gym goer and he was absolutely sure his kids wouldn't have any sweets/chocolate AND that because it wouldn't be in their diet, they wouldn't 'develop a taste for it'. I bit my tongue about how human evolution works...

I was a bit fortunate in that doing childcare jobs in my late teens that were difficult enough for a shift, meant I had my eyes opened and had a lot of respect for parents who did it 24/7!

[neverbeenskiing]

I was going to have a drug free water birth. Ended up with an epidural.

I was going to BF exclusively for 6 months. Ended up FF both DC.

Wasn't going to use a dummy. DC1 was given one in SCBU so seemed cruel not to carry on once she was discharged. DC2 had one from day one.

I was going to use cloth nappies. Gave up quickly with the first, didn't even attempt with the second.

I've had to backtrack on loads of things around screen time, routines, sleep, behaviour, meal times etc over the years as it turns out one of the DC has Autism, so what works for other kids doesn't necessarily work for them.

[Season0fTheWitch]

I backed down on my belief that you can manage to keep yourself and house clean while raising children. I manage it because I'm on my fourth DD and have the hang of it now, and have excellent support to facillitate it. But pre-babies I definitely judged friends with laundry piled up and no makeup on. I didn't say anything but definitely thought it, and always helped out where I could but I feel bad for being so obtuse.

Also plastic noisy toys were on my 'no' list pre-babies, now I realise they're so good for them (but ugly af). Their bedrooms were going to be neutral, stylish and pristine. Now they're pink and I spend a good hour or two every day tidying their bits of shit art scattered on every surface. I was anti-dummy until DD1 found her lungs

[Riu]

@pictoosh

I can't wait for some mumsnetters' kids to hit their teens/early 20s.
Let's see if they think their kid is an adult now and kick them out. Heh.

I agree! It astonishes me how many on MN advise people to kick out their teens when they are being awful. I only know one person who actually did this in RL and the family were very well known to social services.

[Internetstranger]

Naps.

I remember reading that children should nap until age 5 and thinking “oh yes its terrible that so many parents stop their kids from napping, I’ll definitely nap mine til age 5.” 🤣🤣🤣

DC abandoned naps age 2 😭

[Internetstranger]

Oh yes and I was gonna do all wooden wholesome toys.

Unfortunately DC hated the wooden toys and adored the bright noisy plastic stuff they saw at playgroups, so…

[Mariposista]

@PeeAche2

Oh yeah, I wasn’t going to gender my kids in pink etc too. I even painted the nursery green. I didn’t think it mattered if my baby looked gender-nothing.

By about 16 weeks, I was sick to death of everyone assuming my daughter was a boy. I affixed a hair clip and never looked back.

At 26 weeks (still adorned in glittery hair clip), she was flailing her legs wildly in her carrier and an old man said “he is going to make a great footballer”. That’s when I switched her blue dummy for a pink one.

Why did it bother me so much? I don’t know. Because I’m a shallow, terrible person? Because I’m a gendered old bigot? I don’t feel like one, but maybe.
Or maybe I just didn’t ruin my tits, stomach, hair, career and cream John Lewis sofa for people to keep calling my beautiful little girl “he”. FFS.

I live in a country where it is common to pierce a baby girl’s ears as soon as she is born. I point blank refuse, hate hate hate it, looks chavvy and horrible. Yet people have called my DD he as she doesn’t have pierced ears, even though she has a very girly face!

[Tigofigo]

Never shouting or losing my rag

But the biggest one "they can just fit around my life" HAHAHAHAH WHAT LIFE

[Beansfordays]

Oh so many things! I have two DDs, one with asd who is disabled and one adhd both with sensory processing disorder so nothing about my life is what I expected. I didn't want to ever give them nuggets but one lives on them. Potty trained early, nope still in nappies at 4. They'll be good sleepers because I'll do the bedtime routine well. Sleep, what the fuck is sleep? Still get judgy fuckers without and with kids who judge my parenting but it's only from people with no understanding of ND kids.

[WedonttalkaboutMaureen]

@Rainbowbritestar your mother sounds either highly narcissistic and toxic or demented and deluded. Either way, she's awful! Have you told her she's talking absolute bollocks and to cut it out?

[weaseleyes]

I think I somehow assumed that as a parent you were able to get your child to do things, so if they weren't behaving in an ideal fashion it was because the parent had made a peculiar parenting choice.

When my friend came to stay with her new baby, we were both looking forward to catching up with a glass of wine when the baby was in bed. However, the baby kept crying and my friend was constantly running upstairs, saying that if she got to her quickly before she was too worked up she'd go back to sleep more easily. I remember thinking to myself, 'Why would you keep running up and downstairs rather than just getting her to go to sleep straightaway?'.

Luckily I didn't express this thought. What a twat I was.

[TaggieOHara]

Everything - But especially screen. DS1 turned out to be autistic, and obscene amount of screen time is the only thing that has got us through. The only thing I did ‘right’ with him was food. But I messed that up with DS2 (neurotypical but very fussy eater).

[SnowAndIceLobelia]

So many things as well!

We said the baby would fit in with our lives, not the other way round. (hah!)

We said that fussy eating was caused by parents not exposing their children to a range of food and being lazy with 'kids' m,eals' (hahahahahahahahahhaha!!!!!!!!!.... try having a child with sensory processing disorder!)

We said that we would put the baby /child to bed at a reasonable time in the evening (9-ish_ so they would 'sleep through' until a reaosnable time in the morning.

We were smug dickheads who knew nothing and it ALL came back to bite us on the arse.!! I laugh at myself now. Thank fuck I was never stupid enough to say any of that shit to other people - just thought it to myself or said it to DH.

[SnowAndIceLobelia]

Oh and yeah- I thought I'd write my first novel on maternity leave.

God I marvel at myself now.

[WedonttalkaboutMaureen]

My best friend is childless and likely to remain so. She is a fan of "I wouldn't stand for that".

Haha I also had a childless friend with similar notions. She didn't realise that toddlers have WAY more energy and stubbornness than the parent and a battle of wills over every little thing every day will leave you more exhausted than you can ever imagine. Reality is so much harder than idealistic notions.
We are not in touch much .....

[WhatAmIDoingWrong123]

I’ve done everything I said I’d do and nothing I said wouldn’t do!

[lieselotte]

I remember going to a hairdressers and there was a mum in there with her toddler son who was screaming his head off because he didn't want his hair cut. I thought what on earth is so scary about that, it doesn't hurt. I should say I didn't say anything to her!

Guess what my son was like the first time he went to the hairdressers :)

But to be honest I am still judgey about annoying small children because on the whole, mine wasn't. However, I am sensible enough deep down to know that it was nothing to do with my perfect "parenting" and everything to do with being lucky!

[WedonttalkaboutMaureen]

Before kids I was grossed out by people who would pick up their kids to sniff their bums to see if they needed changing. In PUBLiC. I just couldn't believe they were so "lazy".

Why don't they go to the toilet and undo their little outfits and check them properly away from everyone else rather than sniffing, I thought.

I was sniffing DC clothed bum before we left the maternity ward.

[Rachie1973]

@ThirtyTwoGoingUnder

😂😂😂

These are amazing, keep them coming!
Also 'calpol for everything' 😂 I've found my people!

Until you really need it and realise you’ve run out at 3am! Lol

[celticprincess]

Lots of things as I hadn’t factored in having a child that would be autistic - although looking back through my family I’m not sure why that was a surprise but o know more now!! Suddenly all the ideas you had as an idea parent are turned on their head when your child doesn’t follow the NT routes.

[VikingLady]

Diet. I was never going to have a fussy eater. So I breastfed, did baby led weaning with a wide variety of foods - nada. No interest in food even as a concept until 18m, and I don't think we've ever had more than half a dozen safe foods in rotation. And she's not even my allergy kid!