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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Limerance

206 replies

MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 03:03

I've seen a couple of threads recently where the word "limerence" has been used. It's not a word I'm familiar with so have googled it.

AIBU to be confused about it? Isn't it just a crush where you fantasise about a possible happy ever after future, or is there much more to it?

Where do you draw the line between a crush and limerence?

Any examples may be helpful.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 03:04

Oops, apologies ... I can't even spell the word correctly in the title, let alone know what it means!

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 09/01/2023 03:24

I suffer from this from time to time unfortunately. It is an extreme crush that feels like an addiction. It is bordering on stalking but without the harassment. You misinterpret things they say or do to see signs they like you. It can be very one sided. Thoughts about that person are all consuming. You build them up in your mind to be something they probably aren’t. Honestly it is a bit like a mental illness.

AnUnlikelyPairing · 09/01/2023 04:39

I think it's more like an obsession than a crush and can also happen in a platonic relationships. People with this tend to focus to a ridiculous degree on tiny things the person has said or done to the point it takes over their thoughts in a pathological way.

Often it's a result of some kind of trauma or mental illness which means the person needs a fantasy as a distraction from their life or they might find it difficult to form genuine relationships so obsess about a fantasy one.

Whotsit · 09/01/2023 05:05

my friend suspected it was partially peri menopause anxiety linked and partly ocd/adhd linked, add to that frustration with her long term partners lack of communication. She met someone new who was the polar opposite and communicated a lot and was bowled over, however she knew she didn’t really want him. She got over it by focusing on all his unattractive points and feeling happier in herself and working on her relationship. I had no idea this was all going on in her mind as she only told me afterwards during a boozy weekend away. She was embarrassed about it, she’s a rational level headed person in every other way.

LetsDoThis2023 · 09/01/2023 05:39

Yes it's a really annoying word that gets used by a lot of childish people on here op. Literally makes me cringe so much for people who use it!

LetsDoThis2023 · 09/01/2023 05:40

It's just a crush folks!

Lurkingandlearning · 09/01/2023 06:01

Thank you for this thread. I’d wondered what the difference is so now I know 👍

barmycatmum · 09/01/2023 06:16

here is my favorite Valentine’s Day card

Limerance
daybroke · 09/01/2023 06:28

I thought it was just a crush?

Nutmegger · 09/01/2023 06:35

I had it when I was younger. It is like a mental illness. Similar to ruminative old. I was a traumatised kid who used my obsession with another person to ficus on other things. I seemed to need it at the time but it was very unhealthy.

Nutmegger · 09/01/2023 06:35

Ocd not old!

WatchingGreysAgain · 09/01/2023 06:39

LetsDoThis2023 · 09/01/2023 05:40

It's just a crush folks!

It’s really not, that’s like describing depression as just being a bit sad.
Unless you’ve experienced it, you really can’t understand how consuming it is.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 09/01/2023 07:14

Well it caused me to blow up my genuinely happy marriage with an affair. Not shirking responsiblity, you do have free will of course but the urge to be with other person was so strong it sort of convinced me it must be "love". I'm usually a v v pragmatic and practical person, quite detached in fact, so this blew me sideways and utterly confused me. Sadly, for me and my lovely ex who didn't deserve to be cheated on, I didn't figure it out in time.

KnitterNat · 09/01/2023 07:17

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 09/01/2023 07:14

Well it caused me to blow up my genuinely happy marriage with an affair. Not shirking responsiblity, you do have free will of course but the urge to be with other person was so strong it sort of convinced me it must be "love". I'm usually a v v pragmatic and practical person, quite detached in fact, so this blew me sideways and utterly confused me. Sadly, for me and my lovely ex who didn't deserve to be cheated on, I didn't figure it out in time.

This sounds really tough. Hope things are going better for you now.

JudgeRudy · 09/01/2023 07:29

I don't get the association. How is it childish to use the word?

baroqueandblue · 09/01/2023 07:40

All those dismissing the concept should read some of the literature on it. The impact it has on some people's lives is ruinous, depending on your point of view. Not just a crush. Therapists who have tried to work with it over the years are often stumped by its intractability in clients, some spanning decades. They will not let go, and won't even entertain the idea of making a relationship with someone who might return their affections. Theoretically it can be linked to pathological attachment issues, for example.

But MN gonna MN Hmm

BlueBooh · 09/01/2023 07:41

LetsDoThis2023 · 09/01/2023 05:40

It's just a crush folks!

It's absolutely isn't like a crush. It's horrendous.

It takes over your life. It's an obsession and I would suggest almost like a mental health issue.

It's like a drug and you'll do ANYTHING to get your fix. Whether it's stalking obsessively on social media to "accidentally" bumping into them and thinking about them 24/7.

Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

The only cure is complete and utter cold turkey.

FuckabethFuckor · 09/01/2023 07:44

It can be genuinely terrifying to be on the receiving end of. (Personal experience.)

figmaofmyimagination · 09/01/2023 07:47

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 09/01/2023 07:14

Well it caused me to blow up my genuinely happy marriage with an affair. Not shirking responsiblity, you do have free will of course but the urge to be with other person was so strong it sort of convinced me it must be "love". I'm usually a v v pragmatic and practical person, quite detached in fact, so this blew me sideways and utterly confused me. Sadly, for me and my lovely ex who didn't deserve to be cheated on, I didn't figure it out in time.

Interesting choice of name then.

TheChosenTwo · 09/01/2023 07:51

I just learnt this word through reading My Other Husband by Dorothy Koomson. Obviously it’s fiction but the effect it had on the main character was far far worse than being just someone’s crush!

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 09/01/2023 07:51

@figmaofmyimagination different ex..it is possible to have more than one . The limerant guy was many years ago. We did have a relationship so it wasn't as some on here describe as being unreturned feelings, but over time it naturally faded to normality and then dislike, contempt and a break up.

KimberleyClark · 09/01/2023 07:54

No it’s absolutely not like a crush. With crushes you realise there is an element of fantasy. They are much easier to keep in their place.

Doggydarling · 09/01/2023 08:00

It reminds me of the pharmacist in Doc Martin. Her feeling certainly went beyond a crush.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 08:16

FuckabethFuckor · 09/01/2023 07:44

It can be genuinely terrifying to be on the receiving end of. (Personal experience.)

Yip.

I had a stalker for a while and he did the things that are being called limerence here and it was terrifying.

Original poster
MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 08:20

So is the character Glenn Close played in Fatal Attraction an over exaggeration of someone who is limerence?

OP posts: