Limerance

[MissTakenForAnother]

I've seen a couple of threads recently where the word "limerence" has been used. It's not a word I'm familiar with so have googled it.

AIBU to be confused about it? Isn't it just a crush where you fantasise about a possible happy ever after future, or is there much more to it?

Where do you draw the line between a crush and limerence?

Any examples may be helpful.

Thanks!

No, it’s unrequited.

It's not obvious at all. Read the comments. It's obsessive thoughts. Lots of people have limerence towards someone they haven't seen in years. In fact it's often someone who would never actually be a reasonable relationship prospect (e.g. someone you barely know or interact wth) since people with this problem are often using this obsession because they can't form genuine relationships (often due to trauma, mental health issues or an existing unhappy relationship).

I was limerent over someone completely unsuitable when my marriage broke down after (one too many) physical assaults. 4 weeks later I met someone who had the triptych of being younger, good looking and a hedonist. He had no stable home, job or DC and I had all three.

My traumatised brain was obsessed with him - luckily my rational self and my friends kept me anchored in reality and something stopped me embarking on a proper relationship with him, despite him offering a few times (and asking me to marry him lol). I also played my cards very close to my chest and didn't let him know how I felt about him.

I was definitely focussing on the emotional fluff and dopamine hit of this Byron/Mick Jagger esque, exciting nightmare instead of dealing with the pain and trauma of my marriage but found laughing at myself and questioning every feeling helped. Just going with my gut about how bad he was for me and my DC also helped. I still dream about him now from time to time when things are going a bit wonky for me mentally. Look at how much I have spoken about him in my post! It is definitely not a crush. It was awful and would not recommend.

Yes, violated sounds about right @daybroke

Both. I think stalking is an extreme case of limerence. Limerence affects around 5% of people.

Limerent people can be in relationships with their objects of desire as well.

It's believed to be caused by low serotonin.

NC for this. I’ve experienced this. It’s intrusive and takes over a lot if not all of your waking thoughts, if you let it.

With experience I have learned not to do anything about it, keep busy and allow it to fade out. But in the past I thought it was the real thing and yes, I am sure my level of intensity was worrying. It messed up a lot of things for me.

The less you feed it the faster it fades - at least for me.

I've had it several times and it feels like an obsession with dizzying highs and awful lows. And I'm a calm reasonable person usually.
I do sort of enjoy it though.. I feel alive.

"Both. I think stalking is an extreme case of limerence. Limerence affects around 5% of people."

That's certainly interesting to hear. @strugglin101

I've had it 3 times, twice with men who had no idea and once with someone who had it for me too but we couldn't be together. It's not always unrequited.

Makes absolute sense to be linked to dopamine/serotonin deficiency. I could almost feel that it was fulfilling an unmet chemical/emotional need (plus I had the advantage of studying neuroscience at the time so it made me more aware of what was going on in my brain). Hence why laughing at my stupidity really helped. Once I started climbing mountains and being much more physically active my depression/limerence/trauma started to be less impactful.

I think that the language and concepts that we have to express romantic and sexual attraction, attachment and desire is too limiting to really express the whole range of emotions and thoughts that come under terms like 'crush' and 'love'. So, limerence is a fair enough addition to describe something intense that is more long lasting than a crush, and less based in a real life connection than love. I think we need a whole range of terms like this, to describe all the variations of intensity, levels of connection, how well you really know and understand the object of your affection, and so on. At the minute, the term 'love' encompasses everything from the feeling teenagers experience when they finally meet someone who understands them, all the way through to the peaceful cohabitation of a couple who have stood by each other for five decades. In my opinion both are 'real love', it's just that the term 'love' itself is too loose and stretches over too many different, but related, emotions.

Take the obsessive, long standing desire of limerence. Does it stop being limerence if the person recipricates, you start dating, and get married? If you are still obsessed by an ex who you were with for 3 years but 15 years ago, is that love or limerence? In both of these examples the feelings stay the same, and what has changed is the circumstances and the appropriateness of acting on them.

Also, those saying it leads to stalking have it wrong in my opinion. Just like any emotion, you can choose not to act on it if you want to. Just as having a crush on a colleague even though you are both married is fine, but wrong if you act on it.

I thought the definition was limerence was that it wasn't reciprocated or encouraged in any way?

Yes I think it was the same for me, the time it happened when I was at my lowest in life. Once I got over that phase and started dating different women I realised that a level of infatuation was normal at the beginning of a relationship and can happen with many different people, so it allowed me to separate the infatuation with the reality and then in turn allowed me to stop infatuating over anyone by recognising these were just thoughts. Actually became quite funny being a little infatuated with someone one week and then losing attraction to them when I was dating them and they did something to put me off. All limerence stems from fantasy, I think the realisation that no-one was that great changed my thoughts and romantic love wasn't the answer to anything stopped me feeling much beyond the occasional wouldn't that be nice, but I know it's just my brain escaping what's happening now.

Limerent people can get taken advantage of in relationships.

I wasn't in any sort of relationship with the person who was limerent towards me

Ha! You made me laugh (and I know those feelings).

The dizzying highs, the awful lows and the creamy middles (says Homer).

It's actually not fun overall is it

Ok, it is 😋

Yes, I've had several people who have been limerent towards me. This doesn't stop limerent people getting taken advantage of in relationships. Why do you think people get into toxic relationships or catfished in online dating and hand over large sums of money to people they barely know?

See. I'm sorry. But that tongue out licking thing emoji has just made me burst into tears.

That's what he was doing about me wasn't it. Salivating.

God.

Absolutely agree with this.
Twice I’ve had a crush, when much younger ,and it’s horrible.
Definitely like an obsession.
Wouldn’t wish one on anyone!

I'm sorry, didn't mean to do that

Ditto!

It's not your fault it's just made me realise that he joked about it and thought it was funny and he was literally salivating.

I'm really sorry but I feel really violated. It feels horrible. That is really really creepy.

@daybroke Truly, I didn't mean to upset anyone. I've just felt that way before.

I'm so sorry. It's 3am here in Oz and I should probably leave the internet now!

Hope you're ok Hun X

Some of you are describing being the victims of stalking. Stalking is what happened to you (and me). Your stalker may have been motivated by any number of things; limerence is only one possibility of many.

Limerence is a set of intense feelings and intrusive thoughts happening inside a person. Limerence is what is happening to them. From the outside, we don't know what is happening.

It's worth being clear because, in my experience, it can be hard to feel safe after being stalked. One thing that can help is strong boundaries, being very clear about where you end and others begin. Assuming you know what is happening inside someone else, what motivates them, is the very opposite of clear boundaries. Better to stay with your own experience, of being stalked.