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AIBU?

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Original poster

Limerance

206 replies

MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 03:03

I've seen a couple of threads recently where the word "limerence" has been used. It's not a word I'm familiar with so have googled it.

AIBU to be confused about it? Isn't it just a crush where you fantasise about a possible happy ever after future, or is there much more to it?

Where do you draw the line between a crush and limerence?

Any examples may be helpful.

Thanks!

OP posts:
gwennivera · 09/01/2023 16:25

"One thing that can help is strong boundaries, being very clear about where you end and others begin. Assuming you know what is happening inside someone else, what motivates them, is the very opposite of clear boundaries. Better to stay with your own experience, of being stalked."

Could you expand/explain how you might do that. Asking because it sounds useful.

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 16:25

Stravaig · 09/01/2023 16:17

Some of you are describing being the victims of stalking. Stalking is what happened to you (and me). Your stalker may have been motivated by any number of things; limerence is only one possibility of many.

Limerence is a set of intense feelings and intrusive thoughts happening inside a person. Limerence is what is happening to them. From the outside, we don't know what is happening.

It's worth being clear because, in my experience, it can be hard to feel safe after being stalked. One thing that can help is strong boundaries, being very clear about where you end and others begin. Assuming you know what is happening inside someone else, what motivates them, is the very opposite of clear boundaries. Better to stay with your own experience, of being stalked.

I agree, I had a single date with someone who after I didn't want to see them again would show places I went despite repetition of telling them to go away. Fortunately it stopped after a few months.

Alternatively I have an ex who was limerent after we broke up for several years. Didn't realise until she told me when I bumped into her at a wedding a decade later.

SpicyFoodRocks · 09/01/2023 16:28

I have never seen this term until now.

It just sounds like an obsessional crush. Which could be damaging both for the person feeling it and for the victim, should they be made aware.

I am not a fan of giving it a special name.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:31

Limerence is a set of intense feelings and intrusive thoughts happening inside a person. Limerence is what is happening to them. From the outside, we don't know what is happening.

But the people on this thread describe engineering to be in the same place, following at a distance, observing and following on social media as being part of limerence.

Those are external things.

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 16:32

SpicyFoodRocks · 09/01/2023 16:28

I have never seen this term until now.

It just sounds like an obsessional crush. Which could be damaging both for the person feeling it and for the victim, should they be made aware.

I am not a fan of giving it a special name.

You are not a fan of giving it a special name.

How else are psychologists supposed to discuss it then, given that's the reason it's been named in order to understand it and stop people getting damaged by it. What's your professional opinion on this?

Spiralleddown · 09/01/2023 16:32

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:31

Limerence is a set of intense feelings and intrusive thoughts happening inside a person. Limerence is what is happening to them. From the outside, we don't know what is happening.

But the people on this thread describe engineering to be in the same place, following at a distance, observing and following on social media as being part of limerence.

Those are external things.

Obsessional messaging asking really weird obscure mundane questions about things just to have some level of contact.

That does get noticed and it's not welcomed!

TeaStory · 09/01/2023 16:33

I think people are missing the big difference between limerence the feeling/thought pattern and stalking the behaviour.

Limerence is to stalking what furious anger is to punching someone in the face. One can lead to the other, but accusing someone who is angry of therefore going around punching people is unfair.

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 16:33

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:31

Limerence is a set of intense feelings and intrusive thoughts happening inside a person. Limerence is what is happening to them. From the outside, we don't know what is happening.

But the people on this thread describe engineering to be in the same place, following at a distance, observing and following on social media as being part of limerence.

Those are external things.

No, there are plenty of people on this thread who have said they have had it and just found it to be obsessive thoughts about the person.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:34

Obsessional messaging asking really weird obscure mundane questions about things just to have some level of contact.

That does get noticed and it's not welcomed!

Same and same. I had to give up adminning a fb page for an interest I have (a hobby but it's not cycling) because the page was public.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:35

@strugglin101 my bad

Some of the people on this thread.

I'm sitting here struggling to regulate because I'm thinking of that creepy obsessed BASTARD licking his lips at the thought of me and using me for his wank bank and by fuck I feel VIOLATED.

I'm SORRY I missed out the word SOME.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:36

Does it change how any of you limerent people feel to know it makes me feel like I've been sexually assaulted and that I feel complete revulsion?

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 16:37

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:35

@strugglin101 my bad

Some of the people on this thread.

I'm sitting here struggling to regulate because I'm thinking of that creepy obsessed BASTARD licking his lips at the thought of me and using me for his wank bank and by fuck I feel VIOLATED.

I'm SORRY I missed out the word SOME.

I think you need to go to a stalking thread rather than a limerence thread. Being a victim of stalking as I have been does not give 'you the right to label people with limerence as stalkers.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:38

I'm labelling those who have described it as such on this very thread.

Stravaig · 09/01/2023 16:54

gwennivera · 09/01/2023 16:25

"One thing that can help is strong boundaries, being very clear about where you end and others begin. Assuming you know what is happening inside someone else, what motivates them, is the very opposite of clear boundaries. Better to stay with your own experience, of being stalked."

Could you expand/explain how you might do that. Asking because it sounds useful.

I mean catching ourselves when our own thoughts stray outside our own knowledge and experience.

So, stay with the experience of being harrassed, being stalked, what that is like. That's me. Not on labelling or diagnosing or ascribing motivation to the stalker. That's them. I have no idea, nor do I care, why they did what they did; it doesn't change my experience as a victim of harrassment. I live in my own experience, not in theirs; and that is my boundary to draw and safeguard; my responsibility.

Does that make sense? Working with a therapist tends to sort out wonky boundaries very quickly!

HunkieDorie · 09/01/2023 17:01

I experienced this 3 years ago- I almost ruined a 15 year relationship over it.

Limerence is the only thing I can blame it on. It was absolutely terrifying.

OutOfTheBluey · 09/01/2023 17:07

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:31

Limerence is a set of intense feelings and intrusive thoughts happening inside a person. Limerence is what is happening to them. From the outside, we don't know what is happening.

But the people on this thread describe engineering to be in the same place, following at a distance, observing and following on social media as being part of limerence.

Those are external things.

You totally contradicted yourself. Limerence is a set of feelings. The way some people (and even on this thread they're a minority) react to those feelings is external.

Some people with depression can behave I a way which is moody and aggressive that doesn't mean being moody and aggressive is the same as having depression.

gwennivera · 09/01/2023 17:10

Yes it does make sense @Stravaig I shall explore that further. Thank you!

OutOfTheBluey · 09/01/2023 17:13

daybroke · 09/01/2023 16:36

Does it change how any of you limerent people feel to know it makes me feel like I've been sexually assaulted and that I feel complete revulsion?

No of course not. I'm very sorry for what happened to you but is completely unrelated to how anyone else experiences their emotions - if this thread is traumatising it might be best avoided.

I've only experienced Limerence once when I was in therapy to deal with a serious sexual assault. It was a reaction to trauma. The person who was the object of it definitely never knew as I hardly had any contact with them and I simply avoided them as I realised the thoughts were intrusive and really damaging my life.

If someone is stalking someone or behaving in a very creepy way it is probably not due to limerence and certainly not only due to limerence. That person would need to also lack boundaries, empathy and or some kind of mental illness or personality disorder. An otherwise rational person experiencing limerence would be able to control themselves.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 17:58

But I thought the whole point of limerence was that you couldn't control it?

It's genuinely creepy as fuck to be limerented on and the lack of empathy and understanding of how unsettling it is is eye opening.

Simply, the person experiencing limerence is unlikely to care about the effect of their limerent driven behaviour on the person they are obsessed with. They are unlikely to care if they have upset that person. Because they have no real regard for them.

It's a hard read as the victim. And yes. I was a victim.

wafflesyrup · 09/01/2023 18:14

If the object of limerence is unaware then it's harmless to them I think.

simplefree · 09/01/2023 18:20

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 13:26

@daybroke spot on

Let's just call this what it is. It's stalking, pestering, fixating on someone and tracking them whether that's in person or online.

If I came on here and said ' hi ladies, I'm a man! I'm suffering with limerence but it's not my fault. I just can't help but stalk this woman and track her online. Can I have some sympathy please?'

What would be your response?

I'm embarrassed for anyone trying to justify it

I guess it will depend on the individual’s mental health

Not all limerants are stalkers and vice versa

Are all the papparazzi limerant?

Orangepolentacake · 09/01/2023 18:36

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 13:43

@Orangepolentacake what hobby do you recommend for me? Stalking?

@ChocChipOwl something a bit more introspective than stalking might suit you better as a hobby

Orangepolentacake · 09/01/2023 18:43

DarkShade · 09/01/2023 15:30

I think that the language and concepts that we have to express romantic and sexual attraction, attachment and desire is too limiting to really express the whole range of emotions and thoughts that come under terms like 'crush' and 'love'. So, limerence is a fair enough addition to describe something intense that is more long lasting than a crush, and less based in a real life connection than love. I think we need a whole range of terms like this, to describe all the variations of intensity, levels of connection, how well you really know and understand the object of your affection, and so on. At the minute, the term 'love' encompasses everything from the feeling teenagers experience when they finally meet someone who understands them, all the way through to the peaceful cohabitation of a couple who have stood by each other for five decades. In my opinion both are 'real love', it's just that the term 'love' itself is too loose and stretches over too many different, but related, emotions.

Take the obsessive, long standing desire of limerence. Does it stop being limerence if the person recipricates, you start dating, and get married? If you are still obsessed by an ex who you were with for 3 years but 15 years ago, is that love or limerence? In both of these examples the feelings stay the same, and what has changed is the circumstances and the appropriateness of acting on them.

Also, those saying it leads to stalking have it wrong in my opinion. Just like any emotion, you can choose not to act on it if you want to. Just as having a crush on a colleague even though you are both married is fine, but wrong if you act on it.

refreshing read after so many on here who cannot accept that something different from their own experiences can exist

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 18:49

daybroke · 09/01/2023 17:58

But I thought the whole point of limerence was that you couldn't control it?

It's genuinely creepy as fuck to be limerented on and the lack of empathy and understanding of how unsettling it is is eye opening.

Simply, the person experiencing limerence is unlikely to care about the effect of their limerent driven behaviour on the person they are obsessed with. They are unlikely to care if they have upset that person. Because they have no real regard for them.

It's a hard read as the victim. And yes. I was a victim.

Yes, people can't control their limerent thoughts, just as depressive people can't control their negative thoughts.

They can certainly care about and control their actions.

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 19:17

Maybe this will be the new thread where all the creepy people hang out?