Limerance

[MissTakenForAnother]

I've seen a couple of threads recently where the word "limerence" has been used. It's not a word I'm familiar with so have googled it.

AIBU to be confused about it? Isn't it just a crush where you fantasise about a possible happy ever after future, or is there much more to it?

Where do you draw the line between a crush and limerence?

Any examples may be helpful.

Thanks!

Based on my experience of relationships, I'd be happy not to ruin a crush by developing one with them.

Which thread do attention seekers usually hang out on?

It isn't attention seeking to disagree with stalkers.

I don't think anyone agrees with stalkers?

In my opinion limerence as a secret crush, where the object is unaware, might be fine. I don't think those are creeps.

Limerence where you've made the object of your 'affections' aware and are effectively low level harassing, because they're not interested, or a step further into actual stalking, is obviously not fine.

I'd never heard of limerence before Mumsnet. I thought the threads were something to do with limericks before I first clicked on one. It's interesting subject involving objectifying as when the subject is largely unknown they've created them in their own mind based on the object's image. Actually that does sound weird. That's only my opinion. I don't know enough about it.

It's a creepy mad obsession but for those of us who are too naice for that sort of thing and really need to be able to describe it like it's something they 'suffer from'.

I don't think it's on to be describing it as something suffered from. It's not an acceptable medical term is it? As a description of an obsessive crush, maybe.

Definitely not an excuse for inappropriate behaviour or stalking.

Might not be able to 100% control intrusive thought or feelings but ACTIONS are completely controllable.

I’ve been limerant since the beggining of 2019 - I don’t check his social media, I deleted his phone number, he moved houses (unrelated to me) I don’t know where he is living. I even distanced myself from all the groups we had in commin and stopped going to events where there was a chance I could see him. Heck I wanted to go to a hair salon especialised in my hair type - when I checked the address, it was in his (old) neighbourhood so I didn’t go.

One of my recurrent fantasies is bumping into him out of the blue and giving him the cold shoulder.

I don’t want him back, I don’t care what he is doing with his life yet he is still in my thoughts - it’s weird to explain.

Now I manage to go long periods without thinking about him and usually only occurs 1st thing in the morning as soon as I open my eyes and before I go to bed - unless I see his name or other things that reminds me of him.

Anyone limerant or interested in understand more: check the crappy childhood fairy on youtube

The difference between the two things has been explained several times, the literature on it is extensive and all out there, and frankly it's creepy that you keep conflating the two things.

There are people on this thread absolutely determined to conflate limerence with stalking, without exception. They are wrong. Anything approaching considered research on the subject of limerence emphasises that it is largely a condition affecting individuals that they don't act out in ways that are harassing or inconsiderate to the objects of their limerence. Many limerent people keep a very deliberate distance from the people they have feelings for, precisely because they are avoiding a 'reality' they can't face, ie. rejection. Very often, limerent people overly control their behaviour in order not to draw attention to their feelings for someone.

Do your research.

I think we can discuss this in a civilised manner. I'm keen to know more.

I've searched it up. There are groups of limerents discussing their condition and they talk about stalking their limerence objects (those words). 23 thousand people in one group! Some very different behaviours discussed there. Lots of threads started about how they're blocked by their LO as they call them or looking for signs they're interested. It's probably crossing a line to more obsessive behaviour to join a group devoted to limerence.

Some inappropriate behaviour to be honest.

LO = limerence object

What would you like to know about other than what's been written? Nobody has mentioned that they've stalked anyone here so I assume everything has already been explained about it being an intrusive infatuation signalling low dopamine.

*seratonin

That's a coincidence, people sometimes develop obsessive crushes when they're deeply unhappy.

Nobody has talked about stalking here that's right. I'm not trying to say that or anything about people on the thread here.

I think I'm just discussing that there are different types of limerents from the harmless crush to those who know their LO and about whole groups of self identifying limerents who do talk about stalking their LOs and having been blocked. Some are known to their LOs and some are at a distance. So there might be an average type, who is unknown to their LO, but that's not the only type of limerent.

It's a bit like asking about depression I guess, people's brain chemistry is not fully understood. Many will experience short disruptive bouts, fewer will experience more debilitating longer bouts, and for some unfortunate people it will have serious life consequences.

I'd expect there are other aspects which have to be in combination with limerence for people to cross boundaries so I don't think you can just classify people into types of limerent.

No not an easy thing to categorise neatly into types of limerent.

I wonder if some of them have maladaptive daydreaming as it sounds like that in some ways.

That limerence group is a rabbit hole of weirdness.

Well you'd expect so, people aren't in great mental shape when they experience it unfortunately. Don't know much about maladaptive daydreaming but I think that thinking about the person provides a dopamine hit which becomes addictive.

Limerence isn’t always romantic either.
When I was much younger I experienced it with parental figures. Except they were teachers, senior colleagues etc. Your whole life revolves around that person and you feel like a massive freak because you know it’s not normal to be that obsessed.
I got over it by my late 20s, haven’t had one for years now. I’m not sure how I did it - mainly by maturing I think. I look back at them now and am genuinely baffled by what I ever ‘saw’ in them. It’s not a logical thing and it’s definitely different to a crush.

I always saw it as an addiction to a person rather than a substance.

Reading some of these experiences, it's not something anybody would wish to experience.

Think it's more of an addiction to fantasy situations with that person than the person. Beatlemania was a sort of mass limerence.

A crush is an immature experience where you are learning to navigate feelings and relationships. Often fuelled by sterotypes in fairy stories/ rom coms and acceptable roles.
I had a friend who had a weekend fling with a guy who rejected her. Sadly this short time together convinced her they were star crossed lovers/ unrequited love/ not the right time.
Rather than deal with the rejection she constantly fantasised about a life they could have, how perfect he was if only he could see it.
For five years she lived in this badly viewed lens.
She then went down the twin flames route to explain why they were not together.
It consumed every moment. 3 of her siblings had serious mental health diagnosis.
It was clear she was very ill too. I tried to help her but as I would not agree with her fantasy she dropped all her friends snd would only mix with people from the light worker community. So sad.

lol this.

Some of the traits absolutely sound like my behaviour/actions in the past.

I always thought my obsession was severe jealousy, caused by my background.

Fortunately I've been with my husband for very many years now and it hasn't raised its head for a long long time!