Page 3 | Limerance

MissTakenForAnother · 2023-01-09T03:03:32+00:00

I've seen a couple of threads recently where the word "limerence" has been used. It's not a word I'm familiar with so have googled it. AIBU to be confused about it? Isn't it just a crush where you fantasise about a possible happy ever after future, or is there much more to it? Where do you draw the line between a crush and limerence? Any examples may be helpful. Thanks!

daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:52

TrishM80 · 09/01/2023 11:46

Is limerence an exclusively female phenomenon or does it affect men equally?

When it's blokes women call it stalking. And obsession.

But when it's women it gets a fluffy name to explain it away.

Ponoka7 · 09/01/2023 11:57

daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:52

When it's blokes women call it stalking. And obsession.

But when it's women it gets a fluffy name to explain it away.

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Has there been an example of a clinical psychologist doing that, or the term used by a psychiatrist when only talking about women who have trauma based attachment disorders?

TheChosenTwo · 09/01/2023 11:58

@daybroke in the book I read it was the guy who was the limerent one.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:58

We aren't talking about in a professional psychology or psychiatric setting. We are talking about in general parlance, fils and on mumsnet, I thought?

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 12:10

simplefree · 09/01/2023 08:48

I am limerant over a guy a had a 2 months fling with 5 years ago!
It feels like yesterday.
The day / circunstances we met was very magical and he really is a fantastic guy that never led me on and treated me with respect and kindness - I could clearly see that our personalities, lifestyle and goals didn’t match and was somehow relieved when he broke up because I knew my heart was getting in trouble and still to this day I think of him constantly and play the whole 2 months in my head over and over again.

I went cold turkey, no contact, minimum stalking over social media (one year clean) and he has no idea of how I feel as I managed to act cool but the truth is I never managed to meet someone else and I seriously doubt I ever will.

During those 2 months I acted very normal btw, no pressure, no over investment, healthy…but he must have sensed. Actually the obsession started after the rejection.

If he came back and begged to be with me I would not want or be able to (in fact he lightly tried in the beggning) still the whole thing is still overwhelming sometimes but I am learning how to cope.

I know it is not love. It is like a virus that took over and I can’t find a cure so learned how to live with it.

I had guy limerence into my early 20s, not the stalk variety but the misreading situation variety. I think certainly it's historically encouraged a lot by popular culture, movies, songs, love is the be all and end all etc. etc.

Once I started dating a lot it went away quite quickly

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 12:14

Forgot to finish the point @simplefree it was when I realised I got that same thing from lots of different people I stopped getting hung up over a single person for long.

strugglin101 · 09/01/2023 12:15

I think limerence is actually present in a lot of relationships initially.

MysweetAudrina · 09/01/2023 12:24

I'm married and currently v limerent over someone who isn't my dh. It is driving me mad. I have no contact with this person, met them twice but 80% of my thoughts are consumed with them. It makes no sense. I have an appointment with my GP today to see if I can go on HRT. I suffer from OCD and am peri menopausal. I am putting it down to this but it is not a crush, it is not a fancy name. It is an obsession that I am not acting on because I am married but I am unable to stop the excessive thinking. I think it must be chemical.

fortheast12 · 09/01/2023 12:27

Another word for infatuation.

OneTC · 09/01/2023 12:38

It's a word people use to make the fact they'd fuck someone given the opportunity sound more deep

Teaandtoast3 · 09/01/2023 12:46

I just figured it went beyond a crush. Somewhere in the middle of crush and stalker?

LeSquigh · 09/01/2023 12:58

It's one of those words that is never used in real life but is used on Mumsnet by people who like to show what an extensive vocabulary they think they have.

TheChosenTwo · 09/01/2023 13:05

I’d never even heard of the word until about 2 weeks ago!

Orangepolentacake · 09/01/2023 13:08

figmaofmyimagination · 09/01/2023 07:47

Interesting choice of name then.

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👀

AnUnlikelyPairing · 09/01/2023 13:13

daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:52

When it's blokes women call it stalking. And obsession.

But when it's women it gets a fluffy name to explain it away.

Show quote history

Absolute bollocks. Limerence is an obsession. It's a feeling experienced by someone which doesn't affect the object of their obsession. Stalking is an action which usually aims to deliberately intimidate the object of their obsession. Plenty of people who experience Limerence do nothing about it. Plenty of people who stalk are actually doing so for completely different reasons than a romantic obsession (vindictiveness, control etc).

BiologicalKitty · 09/01/2023 13:21

Men and women tend to behave differently. So obsessive thoughts will then exhibit differently, this is established across all sorts of mental health disorders, neurodivergence, etc. I've not read about the nuance between limerance vs stalking, or limerance in men vs women, but I would imagine the differences exist in similar ways.

Orangepolentacake · 09/01/2023 13:22

daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:58

We aren't talking about in a professional psychology or psychiatric setting. We are talking about in general parlance, fils and on mumsnet, I thought?

And you’re quite ignorant

Orangepolentacake · 09/01/2023 13:25

MysweetAudrina · 09/01/2023 12:24

I'm married and currently v limerent over someone who isn't my dh. It is driving me mad. I have no contact with this person, met them twice but 80% of my thoughts are consumed with them. It makes no sense. I have an appointment with my GP today to see if I can go on HRT. I suffer from OCD and am peri menopausal. I am putting it down to this but it is not a crush, it is not a fancy name. It is an obsession that I am not acting on because I am married but I am unable to stop the excessive thinking. I think it must be chemical.

This is similar to what I experienced, with the difference that I was in an unhappy relationship and the limerence (for a different man) slowly subsided once I ended the relationship.

I had never seen a relationship with OCD and attachment disorders until this thread. Food for thought, makes so much sense in my case

daybroke · 09/01/2023 13:25

Having been a victim of what is described as limerence on here I'd say not.

It was an obsessive interest in me. No direct contact but sitting outside my work at my going home time and following me to the (same) train. Going to places where I would be. Keeping tabs on me via social media.

It's beyond creepy that as a private person - not a celebrity - there is / was someone obsessing about me and wanking to thoughts of me and trying to engineer situations where they could gaze upon me from afar.

If you want to excuse that go ahead. I won't.

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 13:26

@daybroke spot on

Let's just call this what it is. It's stalking, pestering, fixating on someone and tracking them whether that's in person or online.

If I came on here and said ' hi ladies, I'm a man! I'm suffering with limerence but it's not my fault. I just can't help but stalk this woman and track her online. Can I have some sympathy please?'

What would be your response?

I'm embarrassed for anyone trying to justify it

Orangepolentacake · 09/01/2023 13:26

daybroke · 09/01/2023 13:25

Having been a victim of what is described as limerence on here I'd say not.

It was an obsessive interest in me. No direct contact but sitting outside my work at my going home time and following me to the (same) train. Going to places where I would be. Keeping tabs on me via social media.

It's beyond creepy that as a private person - not a celebrity - there is / was someone obsessing about me and wanking to thoughts of me and trying to engineer situations where they could gaze upon me from afar.

If you want to excuse that go ahead. I won't.

What you experienced is stalking and it’s horrible. It is not however limerence

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 13:28

@Orangepolentacake I'm embarrassed for you. You need a hobby or a more fulfilling job. Anything really.

Don't try and justify bad (and in some cases, criminal) behaviour with a romantic sounding name

daybroke · 09/01/2023 13:30

How is it any different to what people describe as limerence on here?

daybroke · 09/01/2023 13:30

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 13:26

@daybroke spot on

Let's just call this what it is. It's stalking, pestering, fixating on someone and tracking them whether that's in person or online.

If I came on here and said ' hi ladies, I'm a man! I'm suffering with limerence but it's not my fault. I just can't help but stalk this woman and track her online. Can I have some sympathy please?'

What would be your response?

I'm embarrassed for anyone trying to justify it

Exactly.

Orangepolentacake · 09/01/2023 13:31

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 13:28

@Orangepolentacake I'm embarrassed for you. You need a hobby or a more fulfilling job. Anything really.

Don't try and justify bad (and in some cases, criminal) behaviour with a romantic sounding name

@ChocChipOwl sounds to me like you need a hobby if you spend your time feeling embarrassed for people on the internet and when you know nothing about them 🤷🏻‍♀️