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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Limerance

206 replies

MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 03:03

I've seen a couple of threads recently where the word "limerence" has been used. It's not a word I'm familiar with so have googled it.

AIBU to be confused about it? Isn't it just a crush where you fantasise about a possible happy ever after future, or is there much more to it?

Where do you draw the line between a crush and limerence?

Any examples may be helpful.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 08:21

*limerent

OP posts:
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/01/2023 08:21

I thought Limerance was that chap who played a piano, with a candelabra on it.😕

arghtriffid · 09/01/2023 08:24

Interesting choice of name then.

Lol

KnitterNat · 09/01/2023 08:25

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/01/2023 08:21

I thought Limerance was that chap who played a piano, with a candelabra on it.😕

ha ha

simplefree · 09/01/2023 08:30

In my opinion, limerance verges obsession and though there are no prospects of a romantic future and the limerant rationally knows it or even don’t want to be with the person anymore, the feeling is very hard to shake off / move on from.

simplefree · 09/01/2023 08:48

I am limerant over a guy a had a 2 months fling with 5 years ago!
It feels like yesterday.
The day / circunstances we met was very magical and he really is a fantastic guy that never led me on and treated me with respect and kindness - I could clearly see that our personalities, lifestyle and goals didn’t match and was somehow relieved when he broke up because I knew my heart was getting in trouble and still to this day I think of him constantly and play the whole 2 months in my head over and over again.

I went cold turkey, no contact, minimum stalking over social media (one year clean) and he has no idea of how I feel as I managed to act cool but the truth is I never managed to meet someone else and I seriously doubt I ever will.

During those 2 months I acted very normal btw, no pressure, no over investment, healthy…but he must have sensed. Actually the obsession started after the rejection.

If he came back and begged to be with me I would not want or be able to (in fact he lightly tried in the beggning) still the whole thing is still overwhelming sometimes but I am learning how to cope.

I know it is not love. It is like a virus that took over and I can’t find a cure so learned how to live with it.

FuckabethFuckor · 09/01/2023 08:49

MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 08:20

So is the character Glenn Close played in Fatal Attraction an over exaggeration of someone who is limerence?

Personally, I don't think so. I don't really like Fatal Attraction; although I think Glenn Close is a terrific actor and deserves her reputation which is in part based on her performance in this film.

I think the Forrest character in Fatal Attraction is meant to have some kind of personality disorder, although it's 80s-clumsy and somewhat misogynist in its depiction. It's not at all the same as limerance.

Spiralleddown · 09/01/2023 08:50

FuckabethFuckor · 09/01/2023 07:44

It can be genuinely terrifying to be on the receiving end of. (Personal experience.)

Agreed. It's not quite at the level of stalker (so you can't get police involved) but it's so intrusive in your life it becomes almost all consuming for you too

Dobly · 09/01/2023 08:59

I think this is what I experienced after a miscarriage. He was someone from work I didn’t know, hadn’t spoken to and wasn’t physically attracted to. I was almost obsessed with him but at the same time knew it wasn’t real. When I was lucky enough to conceive again the feelings disappeared and I was left with a feeling of complete mortification, even though absolutely nothing had happened. It was absolutely horrendous.

DanseAvecLesLoups · 09/01/2023 09:00

FuckabethFuckor · 09/01/2023 07:44

It can be genuinely terrifying to be on the receiving end of. (Personal experience.)

I was about to say something similar. I feel at times limerence is used to excuse a raft of utterly unacceptable behaviours while still claiming victim status.

KimberleyClark · 09/01/2023 09:03

FuckabethFuckor · 09/01/2023 08:49

Personally, I don't think so. I don't really like Fatal Attraction; although I think Glenn Close is a terrific actor and deserves her reputation which is in part based on her performance in this film.

I think the Forrest character in Fatal Attraction is meant to have some kind of personality disorder, although it's 80s-clumsy and somewhat misogynist in its depiction. It's not at all the same as limerance.

Show quote history

I don’t think limerents usually seek revenge on their object of limerence, or do they?m

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 09:04

It's just a word that people use to make themselves feel better about stalking tbh.

Instead of mooning about after someone, obsessively tracking their every move, get a hobby

IcakethereforeIam · 09/01/2023 09:10

I've never heard of this word before. How is it pronounced, I'm thinking 3 syllables? It sounds like it can be horrific, even if reciprocated, if the relationship is inappropriate in some way.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 09:10

ChocChipOwl · 09/01/2023 09:04

It's just a word that people use to make themselves feel better about stalking tbh.

Instead of mooning about after someone, obsessively tracking their every move, get a hobby

This, basically.

DavesSpareDeckChair · 09/01/2023 09:36

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/01/2023 08:21

I thought Limerance was that chap who played a piano, with a candelabra on it.😕

Beat me to it! 😄 🎹 🕎

baroqueandblue · 09/01/2023 09:41

Why don't you do some research before you spout off based on your own intolerance? Stalking isn't necessarily limerent behaviour. People with limerence aren't all stalkers, but there are plenty of stalkers who aren't limerent 🤷‍♂️

inneedofconvincing · 09/01/2023 09:46

The more I learn about limerence the more I realise it gets used way too often to describe an overwhelming crush or long-standing feelings for someone. I think plenty of us have harboured 'what ifs' over a person, most likely an ex, but limerence is defined as "intrusive, melancholic thoughts and/or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated".

I don't think people would openly admit to experiencing limerence if they realised just how abnormal it is. We've all had crushes or ruminated over people and maybe let it interfere with our daily lives for a bit, but I think limerence ought to be recognised as a mental illness. If that was the case then maybe the people at the receiving end would be taken more seriously and given more protection, although the way we deal with stalking in the UK is absolutely appalling anyway so chance is a fine thing.

DonnaBanana · 09/01/2023 09:47

I thought it was also that buzz you feel early in a relationship when getting to know the other person is all consuming

Spiralleddown · 09/01/2023 09:51

I've seen it likened to OCD but the obsession is over a person and the compulsions are around maintaining any degree of contact at all costs. The mind rationalises it by calling it "love"

I suspect the current tiktok trend for "manifestation" is probably fuelling it or creating more limerent people too.

inneedofconvincing · 09/01/2023 09:52

inneedofconvincing · 09/01/2023 09:46

The more I learn about limerence the more I realise it gets used way too often to describe an overwhelming crush or long-standing feelings for someone. I think plenty of us have harboured 'what ifs' over a person, most likely an ex, but limerence is defined as "intrusive, melancholic thoughts and/or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated".

I don't think people would openly admit to experiencing limerence if they realised just how abnormal it is. We've all had crushes or ruminated over people and maybe let it interfere with our daily lives for a bit, but I think limerence ought to be recognised as a mental illness. If that was the case then maybe the people at the receiving end would be taken more seriously and given more protection, although the way we deal with stalking in the UK is absolutely appalling anyway so chance is a fine thing.

I've just realised this sounds like I'm being really unkind and unsympathetic to the people on this thread who think they've experienced limerence but that wasn't my intention. I think we're all somewhat irrational when it comes to love and there's no solid line between 'normal' and 'abnormal' but attachment disorders, childhood trauma, past experiences etc. all influence the way we behave when we have feelings for someone, it doesn't necessarily mean that's limerence.

baroqueandblue · 09/01/2023 10:29

@inneedofconvincing it has been described as a bonding disorder in some of the literature.

BunchHarman · 09/01/2023 10:56

figmaofmyimagination · 09/01/2023 07:47

Interesting choice of name then.

Show quote history

😂

Notlivinglife · 09/01/2023 11:20

@MissTakenForAnother it's unrequited love and knowing that you can never have that person.
Glenn Close's character definitely had an obsession/limerance but turned Psycho!

TrishM80 · 09/01/2023 11:46

Is limerence an exclusively female phenomenon or does it affect men equally?

DanseAvecLesLoups · 09/01/2023 11:50

TrishM80 · 09/01/2023 11:46

Is limerence an exclusively female phenomenon or does it affect men equally?

I think with men limerence just ges rebadged as stalking.