Limerance

[MissTakenForAnother]

I've seen a couple of threads recently where the word "limerence" has been used. It's not a word I'm familiar with so have googled it.

AIBU to be confused about it? Isn't it just a crush where you fantasise about a possible happy ever after future, or is there much more to it?

Where do you draw the line between a crush and limerence?

Any examples may be helpful.

Thanks!

Honestly, the irony of responding to that post with 'lol'

There have been loads of limerence threads on here over the years and some of the actions described by sufferers on said threads have in the past definitely strayed into low level harassment or outright stalking of their LO which is why discussions get quite heated or emotive. . On this particular thread people are emphasising the internalised nature of limerence, which while horrible for the sufferer seems to have little to no impact on the LO. I guess some people get prickly about the subject (including myself) as I have definitely seen in the past some piss poor behaviour excused with a self diagnosis of limerence in which case a measure of victimhood is attained or at the very least more sympathy or understanding while the person who suffered as the LO is almost treated as unfortunate collateral damage.

It can be a normal part of the early stage of falling in love when it is reciprocated.

When it’s not reciprocated/ one sided it can become like a disorder.

If it leads to stalking behaviour, then that is stalking and more than just limerence.

This is what i was asking about upthread.

Is limerence only limerence when it's unrequited?

Is limerence what used to be called desperate 'unrequited love'?

(The word love, IMO, can only be used as an accurate description of feelings when it's someone you know properly. You can't 'love' someone you don't know. Be it the bloke on the reception at the gym or Johnny Depp. So until then it's a crush, or if it's obsessive it's limerence).

When two people are limerent (sp?) about each other it's passionate love then? Or is it something less healthy?

Surely if 2 people are limerant for each other it is a relationship?
The crappy childhood fairy on you tube gives some very good insight about the type of people it effects from unmet needs and subsequent mental health. I guess where it spills into stalker territory is when the person gets fixated in an unhealthy way, or truly [ wrongly] believes that the object if their obsession will feel that way too if only they could be together.

No one cares 🤷🏻

it can be hurtful for limerants that are not stalkers like me

why choose to be horrible and combative when one can be kind, try to understand and actually learn something new?

there is no such a thing as 2 people limerant to each other because it generally one sided

unless they are both unware that the other is limerant and are in a no contact situation which I hardly doubt is even possible

limerance is rooted in rejection / impossible relationship

it can be hurtful for limerants that are not stalkers like me

I agree. There do seem to be many like the people on this thread who are what someone described as internal stalkers. Not harming anyone. Their LO has no idea. They possibly wouldn't even want a relationship with the LO rather than it being unrequited in some other way.

Though there are those limerents who do stalk. I know that from looking at the limerence group. Not the sort of stalking they could be in any legal trouble for, I don't think, but checking their social media and that sort of thing.

Though some have crossed the line and been blocked by their LO and do stalk. They describe themselves as limerents so safe to say there appear to be many different levels and types.

I'm no expert though as I only looked this up properly yesterday!

It can be absolutely excruciating and I think I generally points to problems in your existing relationship (if you have one) or wider issues, be they financial, communicative, career, kids or any other of the general life shit.
That said, it can be a motivational force , as there’s nothing like a hyper crush to spur on a nice makeover or weight loss regime.
The best way to deal with it is to focus on being the best version of yourself and do the things that you LOVE doing, be it rearranging your home into a beautiful space, studying the thing you’ve always wanted to , taking a long run , or whatever.

Very immature response from MNers who don't seem to have an intellectual grasp on a person who might be suffering poor mental health. The "it's just a crush" people are the same type of people who was probably describe severe depression as just "being a bit silly".

I've I've had crushes and limerence before and they are completely different. Interestingly the two occasions I was interested in someone in a limerence way was when I was going through a couple of very hard times in my life. I think the person and the thrill of assessing every single behaviour as a clue to whether or not they reciprocated it was a massive distraction. The second person did reciprocate feelings but it got very messy in the end as we were both in relationships at different points and things never aligned. I would take a crush over that any day. it was emotional hell.

I think that some limerence might be 'just a crush' level? While for others it might be a negative all encompassing experience. Mental health and depression (nit exhaustive list of possibilities) mentioned in the latter.

That's why I thought it sounded similar, in some ways, to maladaptive daydreaming. For som it's a real struggle and a negative experience, for others it is the opposite and enjoyable and they sometimes call it immersive daydreaming instead. Probably over simplistic way of looking at it, but I'm being brief.

I find it interesting

People with ND (myself) tend to be prone to this

it’s when a crush turns obsessive and you think about them all the time non stop

it’s a total nightmare to be honest
I can’t just like people , I get suoer obsessed

100%
I achieved so many things because of this limerance - moved to a better home, got new qualifications, started a whole new career where I am doing very well, acquired my cats, got new hobbies and even sold artworks, started at the gym just to name a few….

To be honest I took issue at the ‘do your research’ comment: as though it’s a legitimate current affair that everyone should be fully versed in. As far as I’m aware it’s not a formally recognised mental health disorder, it’s something that people on MN discuss (literally never heard use if the term in any other sphere, either in real life or online). It’s a niche interest group on the internet and to be honest it’s not something I’m particularly interested in learning more about. Which is fine I think.

The made up lingo is irritating too. Sorry.

The problem is, that when a thread is allowed to stand, as this one is, you get all the 'limerents' (what a word!) pooling together swapping stories and hints and tips and it's just weird and creepy.

And no, I don't want to educate myself further.

I joined MN in December and I know the lingo since 2019 when I started suffering for the condition, mental illness, dysfunction, stupidity - - whatever people want to call it - the name does not matter but it has to be given a name so people who are interested can talk about it.

All words are made up in the grand scheme of things.

And many terms become popular and are taken out of context - narcissist, psychopath, OCD, and even depression / panic attack - just a few of terms that most people don't use accurately.

Like many other subjects, only the sufferers will have full understanding and insight, who never give through it can only sympathise - if they choose or have the capacity to do so.

As for stalking - I could say that at the very beginning of my limerence I "stalked" a little bit however I don't feel stalking is even the right word for my behaviour - what I did was to look at his website and his public / open IG. Not because I wanted to know what he was doing or track him down but because I missed him a lot and missed interacting with him / having experiences with him - - because I was ruminating the whole of our situationship in my head and it got bored and it was clearly in the past - I wanted to feel closer - in the present moment with him. It gave me zero satisfaction doing this 'stalking' - it made me loathe myself and feel like I was giving my power away and losing self respect. In time, with a lot of self soothing and healing I managed to stop and I am free 'clean' for a long time. I repeat - he has no idea I was checking him online and way I was checking was in public domain - I never liked, subscribed, commented.

And to repeat - he tried to get back via text and in person and despite my limerence I rejected him because it was clear I would be less peaceful, scared of rejection again.

I have been married twice, I started having relationships early as a teen and I have had many. This brought me to my knees. But it is something that affects only me. I have never disturbed him and never will.

I’ll add that I don’t think developing and investing in an identity around this behaviour and adopting a fixed label (‘us limerants’) is likely to be helpful or healthy to anyone experiencing unwanted obsessive thoughts. The suggestion is that it’s ‘who you are’ rather than ‘something you are experiencing’. Anyway, just my two pennies worth.

just like everything else in life

Limerance appears just like a euphemism for stalking. I've never been that obsessed with anyone to be honest. My sister developed an all encompassing crush on Taylor Hanson as a teen. She even planned to go to America after her GCSES. It was so dull.

I've always had a tendency towards this behaviour - calling it a crush then obsession so when I read about limerence on here my first thought was oh please don't try to posh up a crush. However, I've been reading about dopamine and read this article which explains the science;

livingwithlimerence.com/the-neuroscience-of-limerence/

Also - although I'm not sure it's this exact episode talks about how you get the same dopamine hit from craving as you do from getting the craved object and explains how to break the addiction.

hubermanlab.com/controlling-your-dopamine-for-motivation-focus-and-satisfaction/

I don't really get this - no one here seems to be doing that. I didn't see the other thread, but here it has been a mix of people describing how it feels to be on the feeling and on the receiving end of it. No hints or tips other than 'cut contact, be kind to yourself, give it time' which is about as inoffensive as any online advice could hope to be.

In fact, most people have admitted to following the person they feel this way about on social media, which is not weird or creepy, and doesn't count as stalking. Pretty normal crush behaviour, or even mild interest behaviour.

I stand by my previous comment: feelings are hard, we don't have enough words to describe all of the romantic emotions and desires that we feel towards each other, limerence is a fair enough word to describe an overwhelming infatuation that lasts a long time and is not reciprocated.

Whatifitallgoesright

thanks for those links
really interesting reading

since I became single again I’ve been crazy limerent with two men
nice men , not abusive just normal messed up humans

I’m now single and I’m having therapy as I can’t get like that again
it’s been soooo painful

I literally want to forget them

but I’m also scared to date again TBH

Mine have never been stalking (unless you call looking at their fb profile stalking.. ) Never followed them or went to where they would be. They just took up all my thoughts and if they were in my vicinity it was very exciting.

The thread started with the OP simply asking the definition of limerence.

Why shouldn't it stand?