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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL cut my daughter’s hair without telling us

219 replies

Lkjhgfdds · 06/01/2023 23:17

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have a 2 year old daughter.

We recently stayed at the in laws for Christmas and MIL was looking after our daughter most of the days, so I can rest (I am also pregnant with our second).
On the last day before we were going to leave, MIL cuts our daughter’s hair without telling me or my partner. (The cut is not good and not bad)
I was furious and confronted MIL, she admitted it.
It has affected me so much that it has caused arguments with my partner everyday. It has now got to the point where I don’t want my MIL to see our daughter but my partner still wants her to carry on seeing our daughter. We haven’t reached a compromise so now we have decided to separate because he chose his parents over me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it and let my MIL see our daughter.

OP posts:
Jazz12 · 06/01/2023 23:20

Oh wow. Are there any other issues with your partner? He really thought it was worth fighting with his pregnant wife to let his mother get away without consequences!???

parietal · 06/01/2023 23:21

has your MIL apologised and said she won't do it again? if she is otherwise a good person who made a mistake, then it seems very harsh to cut her off from your DD.

IDontCareMatthew · 06/01/2023 23:22

So you seperate.... and he takes his daughter there on his access days so now you have ZERO control or influence over his mother

PineapplePear · 06/01/2023 23:24

I can understand your anger, but no contact seems extreme. Certainly wouldn’t have her baby sit though.

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:24

YABU

Obviously she shouldn’t have done it but you don’t prevent a 2yo seeing an otherwise loving grandparent because of one incident where the child wasn’t harmed, wasn’t in danger and the only thing that was bruised was your authority as a parent.

If my DH tried to prevent my mother seeing my child over an incident like this, I’d consider separating too.

Lindtcat · 06/01/2023 23:24

I would be absolutely livid by this, and upset at my partner for not having my back. But was this not something you could work through? Are there are other problems ?

harrassedmumto3 · 06/01/2023 23:25

Good God, maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but you have overreacted big time.
I'm guessing there's more of a backstory to just the haircut though?

IHateFlies · 06/01/2023 23:26

You obviously feel this is unresolved.
What are you and your partner arguing about?

RunnerBum · 06/01/2023 23:27

He hasn’t chosen his parents over you. He’s chosen his parents having a relationship with his child over your (honestly, unreasonable) demand that they not have a relationship. If his mother were a risk or a danger to your child then you may have a point.

Being pregnant is hard.

RunnerBum · 06/01/2023 23:28

Jazz12 · 06/01/2023 23:20

Oh wow. Are there any other issues with your partner? He really thought it was worth fighting with his pregnant wife to let his mother get away without consequences!???

The “consequence” was that she’s never allowed to see her grandchild again…

StarsSand · 06/01/2023 23:28

Did MIL apologise?

I'd be furious but unless there is more too it, it really isn't worth cutting off contact over.

Jazz12 · 06/01/2023 23:29

Can you agree on a 3-4 month time out? Although this is a massive over reaction (unless there is a back story), I think it’s entirely reaSonable to expect her to have some consequences.

has your partner backed you up and told his mother this is unacceptable?

lemmein · 06/01/2023 23:29

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:24

YABU

Obviously she shouldn’t have done it but you don’t prevent a 2yo seeing an otherwise loving grandparent because of one incident where the child wasn’t harmed, wasn’t in danger and the only thing that was bruised was your authority as a parent.

If my DH tried to prevent my mother seeing my child over an incident like this, I’d consider separating too.

This.

pigwood · 06/01/2023 23:30

This is a troll isn't it ? This can't be true . It would have been an enormous overreaction on your part and you would be massively unreasonable and highly strung

BedfordBloo · 06/01/2023 23:32

Was it a trim or did she basically scalp her? Why did she do it? Has she apologised? Were you around to ask or were you asleep/out/otherwise unavailable?

If MIL trimmed my DD’s hair because DD asked her to and didn’t ask because I was asleep (and pregnant) and she didn’t want to wake me, I’d be miffed but I’d move on after about a day.

Context is key here and I don’t think we have enough. But, unless it was at the very, very, very extreme end of the spectrum, I think you’re almost certainly overreacting.

BurtonsRevenge · 06/01/2023 23:33

This is exactly the reaction mumsnet suggest for arguments (after getting your ducks in a row) but when it happens everyone is clutching their pearls!

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:33

Jazz12 · 06/01/2023 23:29

Can you agree on a 3-4 month time out? Although this is a massive over reaction (unless there is a back story), I think it’s entirely reaSonable to expect her to have some consequences.

has your partner backed you up and told his mother this is unacceptable?

You do not withhold your child from their relatives to punish them. Ever. That’s awful advice. Jesus wept.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/01/2023 23:33

Look at it this way - in ten years time, in twenty years time - hell, maybe even in a couple of years time, are you really going to care?

I cried when I cut my son's hair badly and had to basically skin it back from his lovely golden curls. But now he's nearly 14 and I can look back at the photos and have a laugh at how much I overreacted.

I think you need to calm down and realise that an impromptu haircut might not have been what you chose for her, but it's done now and there has genuinely been no harm done. What happens in two years when your ex takes both children to his mums and ASKS her to cut their hair?

Snoopystick · 06/01/2023 23:34

My DM gave my DD a really bad fringe when she was about 3. I was miffed off but you need to move on. Thankfully she’s not touched it since 😆

Original poster
Lkjhgfdds · 06/01/2023 23:38

Hi all,

Thank you for your responses.
Just to answer a few questions.
We were with MIL all afternoon and she didn’t say a word. (She cut it in the morning) She only admitted it when we confronted her.
She apologised when I confronted her. No contact has been made since.

Some back story
Since the 2 years she has been
Showing up to the house unannounced to see daughter but using another excuse
Setting boundaries that are not followed e.g bedtime and food choices
Cutting hair without permission
Taking gifts that were given by other people to our daughter and returning it to them without telling us
Possessive in photos and at dinners/events (when taking family photos she would be in the middle with the baby when me and my partner would be on the side, at dinner/events not letting anyone else hold or be near the baby including parents)

OP posts:
Remaker · 06/01/2023 23:39

You trusted her enough to let her look after your DD every day while you rested, but she did one thing you didn’t like and you never want your child to see her again? This has to be a wind up, nobody is that unreasonable.

MavisMcMinty · 06/01/2023 23:41

Hair grows. Move on. I can understand you being pissed off initially, but find your increasing fury incomprehensible. Will MIL do it again? Lesson (probably) learnt, no harm done.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/01/2023 23:47

Some back story
Since the 2 years she has been
Showing up to the house unannounced to see daughter but using another excuse - so what?
Setting boundaries that are not followed e.g bedtime and food choices - like what? Gave her a chocolate button? Or gave her pork and you're Muslim?
Cutting hair without permission - already covered
Taking gifts that were given by other people to our daughter and returning it to them without telling us - I guarantee they'll think that's just as weird as you do
Possessive in photos and at dinners/events (when taking family photos she would be in the middle with the baby when me and my partner would be on the side, at dinner/events not letting anyone else hold or be near the baby including parents) - again, so what? She obviously dotes on your child. You clearly don't like her and think she's overbearing

I think you've got overly obsessed with what you perceive as your MIL overstepping, and in doing so you've allowed your relationship to break down because your partner wouldn't cut off his own mother due to your overreactions. This is genuinely not normal.

hattie43 · 06/01/2023 23:49

Good god it's a haircut , no she shouldn't have done it but not worth
this over reaction .

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:50

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/01/2023 23:47

Some back story
Since the 2 years she has been
Showing up to the house unannounced to see daughter but using another excuse - so what?
Setting boundaries that are not followed e.g bedtime and food choices - like what? Gave her a chocolate button? Or gave her pork and you're Muslim?
Cutting hair without permission - already covered
Taking gifts that were given by other people to our daughter and returning it to them without telling us - I guarantee they'll think that's just as weird as you do
Possessive in photos and at dinners/events (when taking family photos she would be in the middle with the baby when me and my partner would be on the side, at dinner/events not letting anyone else hold or be near the baby including parents) - again, so what? She obviously dotes on your child. You clearly don't like her and think she's overbearing

I think you've got overly obsessed with what you perceive as your MIL overstepping, and in doing so you've allowed your relationship to break down because your partner wouldn't cut off his own mother due to your overreactions. This is genuinely not normal.

I agree with all of this. I think OP has got herself in a bit of a tizz and it’s all just got a bit too much.