MIL cut my daughter’s hair without telling us

[Lkjhgfdds]

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have a 2 year old daughter.

We recently stayed at the in laws for Christmas and MIL was looking after our daughter most of the days, so I can rest (I am also pregnant with our second).
On the last day before we were going to leave, MIL cuts our daughter’s hair without telling me or my partner. (The cut is not good and not bad)
I was furious and confronted MIL, she admitted it.
It has affected me so much that it has caused arguments with my partner everyday. It has now got to the point where I don’t want my MIL to see our daughter but my partner still wants her to carry on seeing our daughter. We haven’t reached a compromise so now we have decided to separate because he chose his parents over me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it and let my MIL see our daughter.

I’d be furious if anyone cut my DDs hair without my permission. That’s completely overstepping boundaries. While going no contact is extreme it would be worth sitting down and having a frank conversation with her about your annoyance at her behaviour (using the examples above), boundaries, and that you and your DH make decisions relating to your daughter, and if she doesn’t like them then you will have to be present at every meeting from now on because you don’t trust her to act in yours/your daughters best interests.

I don't think he's trivialising her feelings. Or at least there's nothing to suggest that. Saying that he won't accept OP refusing to let his mother ever see her grandchild again, isn't trivialising her feelings. It's saying that it's a massive and unfair reaction. There's a difference.

My mother had my daughter's hair cut while she was looking after her. My daughter has afro hair and she took her to a local hairdresser who didn't know what she was doing. It looked terrible but hair grows, it wasn't the end of the world.

The hair cut is terrible and you were right to call her out. The rest you are being incredibly unreasonable. Were you already looking for an excuse to blow up your relationship?

OP isn’t ruining or blocking relationships, though, if MIL has chipped away. It’s not just one incident that damages a relationship, but constant overstepping and undermining will do it, especially if partner doesn’t have your back

@Lkjhgfdds Come on OP, you're being hysterical. Yes your MIL does sound overbearing and I don't think anyone here would disagree with that. I'm sure most PPs on this thread will happily advise you on how to deal with her moving forward. But this reaction is disproportionate.
Just have a chat with your DH and blame it on pregnancy hormones. I think you'll probably find he is actually on your side re: the haircut and likely is only against the no contact suggestion. In which case, separating is not only disproportionate but also counterproductive as he will have contact with your DD without you.
At which point it he can take her to see his Mum himself so you wouldn't actually achieve your objective anyway. So get him back on side! Find a compromise!

You're breaking up a 14 year relationship, with (about to be) 2 kids, because... your DD got a haircut without you being informed...? Jesus...

Can you imagine the conversation with the two kids when they're teenagers?
"So why did you and dad split up?"
"Because granny gave you a haircut when you were 2 and didn't ask MY permission."

It sounds bonkers because it is.

Those who think OP is doing the right thing, can I ask a question?

If your own mother did something that infuriated your husband (but which in the scheme of things was far from the end of the world, even if it annoyed you too) and he said that your children could never see her again, would you just accept that?

Would refusing to accept that be "choosing your mother over your own little family"? Would you be "trivialising his feelings, by telling him that it's a massive and unreasonable overreaction? Would you let him have his way and your children never see their Grandma, and your relationship with your own mother be destroyed? Over a hair trim or something similar?

She has over stepped a boundary.
Also, concider thay your daughter, and any girl or woman has more value than the way she looks, you daughter is the same person whether or not people might have praised her for her previously lovely hair.

OP, you sound ridiculous.

If you want to split from your husband, go ahead, but making up daft excuses blaming your MIL for the split is pretty childish.

If you’re this petty about things you should be talking through in an adult way, I pity your children, to be honest.

Taking gifts that were given by other people to our daughter and returning it to them without telling us

Seriously?? Your MIL stole from your DD.

How has your DH handled this situation? I think he needs to have your back tbh.

The haircut was unacceptable too, I wouldn't go NC but I would only allow supervised contact until I felt comfortable again.

I am surprised that you are being advised to relegate your own feelings to third place after the MIL and DH. I think it's because going through a breakup when pregnant must be hard and people are worried about you.

Is there a way to resolve this whereby DH is more supportive of you but you don't break up? How did you handle the haircut? Did he acknowledge your view at all or just tell you to suck it up?

As a grandmother of my son's two year old I can say categorically I would never cut her hair without getting the consent of her mother. This is not about 'hair' nor is it a 'trivial matter'. It is about respect, boundaries and love. Especially if it was the 'first time'. It seems that Lkjhgfdds is in full flight or fight mode heightened by her pregnancy. 14years of being together means you have known his mother a long time, I wonder what your relationship with her has been like during all that time, and also her relationship with her son?

You’re not BU for being annoyed/angry at your MIL but you are BU in not moving on from it.

All that’s needed is very firm words from your DH and yourself, stating your feelings about it and that it’s not to happen again.

Your MIL should have realised you don’t just cut someone else’s child’s hair without asking. It’s strange and controlling. She will probably say she being helpful whilst your pregnant but it’s really overstepping I think.

Could you reduce contact and supervise itself until there’s respect?

It’s important to have this before DC2 is born - it’s a natural step for DC1 to spend more time with close relatives then, but to feel relaxed about that you need to trust them and feel respected

I would be upset and angry too.
You say the cut isn't good or bad - so I assume neutral- how much did she cut off, was it just a trim or fringe cut or more drastic?
You need to tell her not to do it again but if she apologises then move on. I wouldn't break up a relationship between DGC and GP over one incident like this, that is an overreaction imo.
If its a the tip of the iceberg and there's a back story it may be different but you haven't mentioned anything else so I think you need to make your boundaries clear and forgive and forget.
DDs hair will quickly regrow and it doesn't sound like the haircut looks terrible.

This.

It would have boiled my p*ss if my MIL (or DM) had done this - but I'd just have let her know (forcefully) that it wasn't on.

I wouldn't stop her seeing them, but there's no way I'd have sellpovers for a long time.

*sleepovers, not sellpovers

😬

It's not worth going completely berserk about, it really isn't. So long as MIL understands she must never do it again!

However, I would be concerned that your DP is obviously on his DMs side. He does need to back you up in these disputes in future, even if he doesn't really see what the problem is.

I think that a strong message needs to be sent to MIL but not NC forever.

Ideally, the DH would tell MIL its unacceptable, a stern conversation about boundaries would be had, and maybe it would be agreed that for the next several visits they would only have supervised contact as the trust has been breached.

The point isn't really to stop grandma seeing the child but to establish boundaries and reinforce the notion that the Mother has more of a say over the child that the MIL does. I think in light of her follow up post where the MIL refused gifts meant for the child she is clearly overstepping. I would expect my DH to back me up in this instance.

Why should her husband go along with what she says if he thinks she is wrong? He is his own person with his own views

it sounds like the op is massively overreacting so good on him for not just nodding and agreeing

How is he obviously on his DMs side?

Op is getting upset over this everyday and wants to go no contact. The fact that he won’t agree with that doesn’t mean he doesn’t also believe the hair cut was a bad thing to do. But his mother has apologised.

I can’t fathom why so many people believe he must do exactly as the Op wants, or he ‘isn’t obviously on your side’.

Why does he need to back her up getting upset over this everyday and wanting to cut his mother off?

While op moans about her mil she was quite happy to leave her child with her ‘most days’ to nap. So she doesn’t believe the mil is a danger to child. So why would NC be something to be pursued?

And the award for minimising goes to...

For goodness sake. You are the kind of poster who can never understand the expression "it was the straw that broke the camel's back"

A straw? A STRAW??? What? How can a STRAW break a back?! It can't, it is the build up for the OP that has done it.

All of the posters saying "it is a haircut, it grows again" (duh, really?!) are not seeing the bigger picture. That the MiL is overstepping massively, and the wimpy DH is backing this.

A bit of an over reaction to leave and stay gone, just make sure mil knows any rules about things from now on especially if she mentions getting DDs ears pierced.

My DMil had by toddler son's hair cut when I was at work. She didn't approve of me having left his baby curls and felt he needed a little boy's cut. I was upset and she , and consequently DH spun the whole episode as being 'helpful ' to me which was also frustrating. It was years ago now . At the end of the day it is only hair and I strongly believe in keeping family relationships going if you can . The DC's GM loved them with all her heart and they loved her ,DS knew no different and certainly wasn't harmed in any way.We were also DMIL's only family and were mutual support to each other. I decided that the only person who was upset was me and that some of that was pride.I don't see what is to be gained by nc at all here although I do understand your upset.

Initially I thought YABU to leave a partner for a hair cut, then I read the follow up. Yes, your partner needs stand his ground and support you.