MIL cut my daughter’s hair without telling us

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My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have a 2 year old daughter.

We recently stayed at the in laws for Christmas and MIL was looking after our daughter most of the days, so I can rest (I am also pregnant with our second).
On the last day before we were going to leave, MIL cuts our daughter’s hair without telling me or my partner. (The cut is not good and not bad)
I was furious and confronted MIL, she admitted it.
It has affected me so much that it has caused arguments with my partner everyday. It has now got to the point where I don’t want my MIL to see our daughter but my partner still wants her to carry on seeing our daughter. We haven’t reached a compromise so now we have decided to separate because he chose his parents over me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it and let my MIL see our daughter.

Be absolutely furious with her but don't break up your family over it.

What? This must be a massive drip feed or a serious case of pregnancy hormones. Separation and no contact over this and other examples you’ve given is next level loopy.

Here for the delete notification. No way this is real.

You split with your partner over a hair cut 😂

I would be really upset. Unless it was just trimming a fringe. But even then she should have told you really.

But leaving your husband is quite extreme. He will have custody of your child without you at times and probably let your MIL do whatever she wants so it's not going to achieve the outcome you want.

Perhaps compromise with supervised visits only for a couple of months? While she rebuild s the trust.

YANBU for being angry over the hair cutting but it would be unreasonable to stop contact. Just stop using her as childcare.

🤣🤣🤣

I think OP has got to be read in the context of a pattern of weird, controlling behaviour from MIL and no support from partner - she provided more detail further down (ok it’s a drip feed). OP reads like they’ve decided to separate over the cumulative impact of the behaviour, ie partner consistently enabling MIL to play mummy and push out OP with no regard for her feelings - not just the hair incident.

to answer the question, if you’re separated, you won’t have a choice whether MIL involved or not. You can ban her on your parenting days but not on his. Was partner not willing to hear you at all on this? It’s a lot to throw away a 14 year relationship due to inability to compromise.

I don’t understand why you didn’t notice your child’s hair had been cut? Then MIL admitted it! Did she try to make out the child has cut it herself?
You are definitely overreacting, you didn’t mind her looking after her whilst you slept.

I think your reaction is as bizarre as her action.

I am totally with you in the mummy’s boy needing to stand up to his mother and put decent boundaries in. I think it’s extreme you’ve decided to separate. I also think it’s extreme to not want your dd to ever see your mil again.

You really should be working together with him. Let the dust settle for a couple of days then try again to talk. Do you want to stay with him?

It is unreasonable to ban your dcs from seeing your mil. So bearing this in mind, what is it that you actually want?

🏆

She sounds like a pain in the arse. I'd limit contact to a visit to theirs once or twice a month. No turning up at your house. Obviously your dh can do what he likes but it's helpful if your in the same page.

Your MIL should not have cut your daughters hair. But you’re playing into her hands, she now gets her son and grandchildren without you when he has contact time.

All these fuming people - it’s just hair. It’ll grow back. It really doesn’t matter.

No no! You are totally gaslighting the situation! No one must undermine parental authority. And people must respect boundaries. That’s non negotiable in any relationship.

You really think grandparents can do what they want and the parents have to just suck it up because it’s not physically dangerous!? Is it okay to just let the child have screen time all evening, eat sweets for dinner and stay up till 1am because it’s not dangerous!??? You must be joking!! ITS OPs CHILD !! Why should OP put up with being walked over !?

Children are not dolls for anyone to just randomly do haircuts on them!

I don't think that was gaslighting.

My parents raised 3 children perfectly well. When they had DGC it was a chance to do the fun side of raising children. The same way as sleepovers at friends we have no control over screen time etc and occasionally sweets for dinner won't hurt.

My parents would never completely disrespect anything I asked them but then again I didn't need to put in boundaries because I rushed them to do what they felt best - even if different to what I would have done.

My mum died when me and my siblings were in our 30's and I'm glad she got to be a nanny and spend time with her grandchildren before she became ill.

OP. Honestly this cannot be serious? You trust MIl enough to look after your child so you can sleep loads because your pregnant. But because she did 1 thing that over stepped your boundaries you've now got a list of reasons for your DD not to see her. But yet have split from your partner so now both your children will see her without you and only their dad will be setting boundaries with her?

Unless you actually don't love your DP then you've not solved the problem by splitting with someone you care for.

Was her hair in her eyes? I left it way too long to cut my DS's fringe because I was being overly sentimental about his lovely golden baby curls. It was uncomfortable for him and I let my own feelings get in the way of DS's comfort. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell you to sort it out and thought she could get away with a subtle trim.

Whatever the circumstances, children benefit greatly from a loving relationship with grandparents, don't deny your daughter that relationship for something so trivial.

I mean, unless there's other issues, I wouldn't separate from husband or cut contact with MIL. But she would never baby sit or have her alone again at least until she can demonstrate that she can be trusted.

I’d be so pissed off too (my DDs nursery once did this and totally denied it but it was 100% obvious) & really annoyed and also that my DH was didn’t have my back but unless there are other issues a split seems extreme.

MIL sounds like she has boundary issues but also loves your DD a lot and sounds like rather than banning contact maybe a frank conversation on both sides should be had.

Why did your parents divorce? Because my Nan cut my hair.

Seems as reasonable as anything you might find on MN.

Firstly, that’s not what “gaslighting” means. You can’t just use a word that you think is triggering and act like it makes you right. Accusing my comment of gaslighting makes as much sense as me calling yours racist.

Secondly, no one said to “suck it up” or “put up with it”. I just said it’s child abuse to change who your child is allowed to see and have a relationship throughout their childhood based on your personal issue with that person. For one, you’re punishing your child by taking away someone that they love and, for another, it treats a child like an agent of their parent’s wishes. It’s called alienation and it’s desperately awful behaviour. It is a recognised form of child abuse.

Your suggestion is morally corrupt, harms the child and (to be frank) is one of the rare instances where a court is likely to award visitation to a grandparent.

No she shouldn't have cut the hair, but far out making take a deep breath and go for a walk and calm down

Yes it would advisable to have her son tell her not to do it again bur no need for the dramatics, if this is genuine

All of these sound a bit annoying, and I would be upset about a haircut, but your reaction is completely out of proportion. She’s done nothing that requires a ceasing of all contact, and tearing up your family because your partner refuses to do that is very extreme.

And as PP have said, if you split, your DD could have 50% of her week with her dad and grandma.

Why are partners supposed to have your back when you're being totally unreasonable?
Sometimes a partner's role is to tell you that you're over reacting. And deciding that your MIL can never see her grandchild again (over a hair trim so minor that you didn't even notice for hours) IS unreasonable.

Does everyone here have their spouse's back, even when they're being completely irrational?

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong, you have two children that will be looking to you for security and direction.
Sorry your husband has chosen his parents instead of his growing family. He's made his bed.

He's not chosen his parents over his family. He's told OP that she's overreacting by saying that his mother can never see her grandchild again. Which she is.