MIL cut my daughter’s hair without telling us

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My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have a 2 year old daughter.

We recently stayed at the in laws for Christmas and MIL was looking after our daughter most of the days, so I can rest (I am also pregnant with our second).
On the last day before we were going to leave, MIL cuts our daughter’s hair without telling me or my partner. (The cut is not good and not bad)
I was furious and confronted MIL, she admitted it.
It has affected me so much that it has caused arguments with my partner everyday. It has now got to the point where I don’t want my MIL to see our daughter but my partner still wants her to carry on seeing our daughter. We haven’t reached a compromise so now we have decided to separate because he chose his parents over me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it and let my MIL see our daughter.

So to summarise.... MIL cut daughters hair without asking, apologised when confronted, and now you are going no contact and are separating from your husband? Has to be a wind up!

Your reaction is totally over the top. I would so grateful that my MIL not only hosted me and my family over Christmas, but also looked after my child so that I could rest that I would not be bothered at all about her giving my kid a wee haircut. Maybe it’s your hormones but you sound very spoilt and pretty unhinged. I feel sorry for your DH, your MIL and your child.

In a situation where the problem seems to be that the OP wants to be better able to control her MIL's contact with the children, it's totally fair to point out that she may well be shooting herself in the foot.

Nobody is saying that women should stay no matter what, but leaving doesn't always solve all the problems.

Your MIL was looking after your daughter most of the DAYS you were stopping with her because you're pregnant and your husband was...?? but you expected him to never see her again because she did one thing she immediately apologised for that isn't going to have affect on your daughters life at all and now your breaking up your marriage over it.

Where do you think he's going to take them on his custody time?

She apologised and yet you want to force your partner to choose between you and his mother? You are very wrong to do this you actually sound very controlling. You had every right to be cross. However she apologised you move on. In the end you will be the one that Loses out.

Are you always this high-maintenance or it is hormones?

Assuming it was your mother who trimmed your child's hair, would you be going NC over this?

If that wasn't your automatic reaction i.e. to exclude your mother from your child's life, would you support NC based on your partner's demands?

Would you consider your partner to be 'reasonable' to demand separation if you didn't cancel his child's relationship with your mother?

It's already been done to death on this thread - it was a minor haircut, the child's GM has apologised, your partner agreed his mother over-stepped a boundary.

You're looking to use your child as a weapon, and that's extremely poor parenting way beyond any, apologised-for, hair trim really.

I think your overreacting. She obviously lobes your daughter and you're going to deny your child a relationship with her grandmother. I think that's awful.

Also, you make points that one of the reasons you are going no contact is because "she overstepped boundaries" and wants to me near your daughter in photos. However, she was looking after your daughter most days do you could rest. You obviously had no issue with her then.

Yabu

don’t alienate your mil

So you take control of your child

If MIL hogs her at family get togethers you take her back and say no. In photos you sit her on your lap. Unless your DD wants to sit on nanny's lap.

You tell people that gift her items MIL isn't passing on, that that you understand They sent a present to DD, but neither DD nor you as her parents saw it as MIL unfortunately didn't pass it on.

Also it's ok not to leave DD with MiL of you don't trust that she might not cut her hair again. I mean my parents are lovely and can be a bit overbearing (through love and best of intentions) but even my Mum would never ever cut her DGC hair without offering and asking us first!!!

You have to work out OP what MIL adds to your DDs life. If she is loving and otherwise a super help then some of those things I would have a word with MIL, accept her apology and let it slide

I'd mix the unannounced visits to my home by saying "no MIL you have to text and ask me if you're coming over as I don't want visitors sometimes much as we love you"
However if she doesn't add much and doesn't have a wonderful relationship with DD and is a hindrance not a help then I suggest you go for what I said before.

My children have always been my children first and foremost but I love that they have others in our family who care for and love them and add heaps to their lives so I try not to interfere in their relationships with others

It sounds like you’re letting your emotions cloud your judgement. If she’s already apologised, could you remain amicable with MIL for the sake of your daughter?

My mother and her MILs/my grandmothers relationship wasn’t perfect, but I would have truly resented my mum if she had let this impact or destroy the relationship I had with my grandmother.

I guess you don't have many positive relationships? Most mature adults know you have to work on relationships it's give and take things aren't always perfect if we all binned relationships as soon as something was wrong nobody in the world would have a relationship.

YABU. If you liked the woman you wouldn't be reacting like this.

Imagine the kid asking when they're 18 or something... Mum, why did I never know my grandmother? You think they'll appreciate the answer? It's just absurd.

Hair will grow. Not worth a drama.

Bit of a drip feed there.

Based on the OP alone, I’d say MIL
was wrong but it would BU to never allow MIL
to see dd again.

My mum took my niece to get her ears pierced when niece was 8 and asked for pierced ears. She just told my sister she was taking her and took her 🤷🏻‍♀️ My sister shrugged her shoulders and let her crack on.

I’m not saying others should be allowed to do the same, every family is different, I’m just putting a view out there that in some families grandmothers are allowed to get hair cut, ears pierced etc.

I think you need to take a chill pill. Or a few more than that. Forgive and move on.

My dad cut ds hair once.

I usually borrowed the clippers and did it myself. I'd happened to mention in passing one day I needed to sort his hair out. What I hadn't explained was having had a Barbers consult I was changing style (his hair grows fats and is thick and they suggested a different style).

He genuinely thought he was doing me a favour cutting it whilst he was at theres for an afternoon whilst I had an appointment. Ds was 5yo so didn't really know what was happening re growing it to get barber to style it with scissors.

I didn't say a word. About 4 weeks later when it had grown again i mentioned the barbers appointment and we were growing it out as if we'd only just been.

He was trying to help through love. Not worth making him feel bad over. 🤷‍♀️

My parents would never completely disrespect anything I asked them but

THIS ☝🏻

She sounds a bit mad but you must have known that for a while.

You’ve been with your partner for 14 years but you are leaving him when you’re pregnant over his dappy mother?

You sound as mad as she is. Pull yourself together.

But it’s not just about the hair cutting-which is bloody outrageous.

The mil also comes over whenever she feels like it and has taken presents from the baby and given them back to the givers-how weird and controlling is that? OP needs to put in boundaries and her Dh needs to back her up. If it was just the haircut, then ok, but it isn’t.

What a mountain out of a molehill.

Of course MIL should have consulted you first, but she has apologised, and hair soon grows.

No need for the big guns of going no contact and divorce. Rampant pregnancy hormones??

Cutting your daughter’s hair was unreasonable and you’re entitled to be upset.

However, it’s not as if your DD was harmed in any way. Refusing to allow MIL to see your daughter again, particularly when your DH feels differently, is a massive, unreasonable, overreaction. It would also likely isolate DH from his family.

Separating because your DH disagrees with your extreme position on this is also wildly disproportionate.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and a posters’ DH was refusing to allow an OP’s mother to see their child again, over an unwanted haircut, and threatened to leave the OP unless she agreed to cut her mother out, the DH would be (rightly) called controlling and abusive.

Your MiL overstepped boundaries with this, however hair grows back. If she apologised I'd give her the benefit of the dount

Separating because of a haircut? P!ease try and get a bit of perspective. The things you cited are hardly grounds to end a relationship over. Of course he is going to choose his family. Just like you would too.