MIL cut my daughter’s hair without telling us

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My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have a 2 year old daughter.

We recently stayed at the in laws for Christmas and MIL was looking after our daughter most of the days, so I can rest (I am also pregnant with our second).
On the last day before we were going to leave, MIL cuts our daughter’s hair without telling me or my partner. (The cut is not good and not bad)
I was furious and confronted MIL, she admitted it.
It has affected me so much that it has caused arguments with my partner everyday. It has now got to the point where I don’t want my MIL to see our daughter but my partner still wants her to carry on seeing our daughter. We haven’t reached a compromise so now we have decided to separate because he chose his parents over me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it and let my MIL see our daughter.

OP said she doesn’t want MIL to have any contact with DD. If he “takes OP’s side” as you’re suggesting then there’s no contact between MIL and DD, so, no “then life can continue as before with DD enjoying her visits to her GM” isn’t what would happen.

What you’re suggesting sounds perfectly reasonable and rational but it’s in direct contradiction to what the OP has said.

It doesn’t say anywhere that DH agrees with MIL cutting the hair. It says explicitly in the OP that they’re rowing about whether or not to go permanently NC with MIL over it.

Hang on a minute OP, from your update should I take it that this is not the first time she's cut her hair without permission?

So she has done this multiple times, and you've told her how it upsets you each time?

The returning gifts to other people thing is odd to... what's her motivation for that? I'm a little confused

My mil has looked after our children for odd periods of time especially when I’ve been ill. I cannot imagine a situation where she would do this!! It’s totally unreasonable.

To deprive a young child of a relationship with a grandparent over a haircut is absolutely ridiculous. Just imagine your child growing up and asking you when they are a teenager and/or an adult why they weren't allowed to see their grandparents and your response is... because she cut hair.

She sounds overbearing, and was certainly wrong to cut your daughter's hair, but from what you've said, cutting her off and stopping her from seeing her grandchild sounds somewhat dramatic. Being clear about your boundaries would be a better response.

I think that everyone is focusing on the MIL. Or the haircut.

It seems like the OP's main hurt is from her DH's reaction and feeling like he isn't prepared to stand up to the MIL.

Hope it gets better.

I don't agree with stopping contact with MiL but feel that this has spiralled and if the DH had been more loyal she woukd not have felt so angry which has escalated the situation.

From your update it sounds like she acts like she's mum.
You need to stop having her look after DD though. You're setting the tone.

I wouldn't blindly back DH up if he disagreed with something my mother had done, particularly if he said our children were never allowed to see her again.
It's about good communication and sensible compromise.

Exactly. Presumably he backed OP up when they (eventually) noticed the haircut, as his mum apologised. What he, very rightly, isn't backing her up on is her demand that his mother never see his child again. And I'm astonished that there are people on this thread who think he should.

I don't think Yabu. I would be furious if my mum or mil cut my boys hair. She clearly can't stick to your rules. So it would be a hard no from me. I mean maybe not cutting her of completely but certainly not left unattended with your child.

OP, is your husband not allowed to have a different opinion or point of view from you? How is a different perspective choosing MIL over you? He is not saying that you should not be annoyed; he is saying that he does not agree with your solution.

Tbh, your response seems to be a bit immature. You would end your marriage over something like this?

So why were you letting her look after he? Pregnant or not, you shouldn't have left your daughter with her if. You don't like her behaviour

Course you would.
Fucking stupid response. 🙄

Hi OP, I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant and if this happened to me I think I would react the same way towards mother in law. I think that you should speak to your partner and agree that until she listens to your rules and boundaries and respects the way you both wish to raise your children that she only see's the children when you are there.

The popping over the house thing would annoy me. A family member kept doing it to their daughter in law and it caused PND I went with her to the perinatal health visitor and she advised that strict boundaries needed to be put in place as parents need to feel in control.

I'd reach out to your midwife about this and your feelings.

Hope your ok and I hope you and your partner can find a resolution. You are pregnant and yes hormones are rife and unpredictable however she is definitely over stepping the mark x

She is completely outrageous to dare to do this.

She has of course overstepped the line in doing the haircut without asking for your permission but I think you are pregnant and your hormones are playing up. You have been with your partner for 14 years, that is worth more than a haircut.
As soon as your baby is born and you feel good find a good photographer and have some beautiful photos of just you, your partner and your babies. I know someone who does this every few years. Lovely presents.

Your reaction is extreme.

What compromises have been suggested? Surely there is a middle ground between banning mil and total access? You were happy for her to care for dd while resting even though there's all the history of over stepping. Have you actually talked to mil to discuss how annoyed you are?

I think it would be helpful if the OP clarified what her DHh's original response to the situation was and how he's handled the previous issues like MIL returning DD gifts without permission.

Also who wanted to separate - you or DH? How did it escalate to that?

Is it a case of DH and MIL totally and repeatedly ignoring your boundaries and overriding you? or was it a conflict in which DH played peacekeeper, MIL was sincerely apologetic and you started a fight about it every day for the past two weeks anyway?

Should I just get over it
Yes. Your daughter will have her hair cut and it'll grow back many, many times throughtout her life. Your reaction is ridiculous.

It’s completely unacceptable for her to have cut your daughters hair.

I would never leave the child alone in her company again which is what is going to happen if your split up as her father will be able to take her round to see his mum and she will have every opportunity to cut her hair again.

By staying together you can at least exert some control over your child seeing her grandmother.

She apologised because she was caught and it upset the mother. Going to guess she wouldn’t have apologised otherwise …….. as she didn’t see anything wrong with what could be construed as ‘assaulting a child’.

A PP suggested supervised contact, that would be my approach as she can’t be trusted to make sensible decisions with the child on her own and supervision via DH won’t work either from what’s been posted.
It’s almost as if she had to be the ‘first’ to cut her hair (those first cuts / curls are normally kept by parents as keepsakes - has she done so to keep them herself and deliberately deny parents those - that would push me nuclear) - going to guess she needed to be first to push her pram too, must be centre stage in the pictures etc.
The OP is over-reacting imo, however it might be the straw that broke the camels back and this GM clearly needs put in her place, as 2 years later her behaviour is increasing - maybe OPs over-reaction, along with supervised contact, will make this stop?!
The DH is a total different kettle of fish. He is not responsible for his mother and you can’t force him to chose - if you have, then hell mend you - as I’d have made the same decision as him as that is totally controlling behaviour (pregnancy hormones aside). DHs generally want an easy life so won’t want to speak up against his mum either, esp as men tend not to be overly bothered with hair either (it’ll grow again type attitudes), whereas his bond with his parents will be more important than hair, and you should take that on board too!

You could use this as a catalyst for change, unless there are other massive issues in your relationship with dp

Coming to see her - meh
Holding her in photos - a bit much but she's just proud. You will have plenty more pics with you front and center

Hair cut - definitely overstepping but depends how bad it is and whether she apologised

Returning gifts - this really depends on how she does it. If she is saying you hated it or are ungrateful and don't want it, that is not on. Same if she is not even showing you the gift. Overstepping again, should be nothing to do with her

But seems a massive overreaction to separate (appreciate pregnancy hormones are a magnifier of emotions!)

You need a clear, honest conversation about boundaries with dp and his Mum
Try to get this fixed and you can all move forward

Stop with this!

Do you REALLY want that to be the message for any woman with kids? Don't leave your abusive/cheating/lazy/now unloved man honey, cos then you have no say in what he does with the kids!

FFS! Do better.

This situation has reached the point where it really doesn't matter what started it. It needs to stop, before it escalates any further. If you can, I think you should try to reconcile with your partner and work out a way forward together. Yes, his mum was out of order and I would be furious for a while, but there are a couple of things you need to think about.

Firstly, you seem convinced that she is somehow trying to "take over" your daughter. Well done, you've handed that to her on a plate, with a baby thrown in for good measure. With you living apart, your partner will need childcare while he works (assuming he wants 50/50 care). Guess who he will go to for that? She may even be living in Granny's house during her time with her father.

Secondly, have you read the threads on here started by women who have to deal with ex-partners and child arrangements from birth? They rarely involve the words "calm", "peaceful" or "amicable". If you can find a way to stay together, then you will all benefit. Of course a conversation needs to be had about contact, and since you find her such a problem, you could say that she can only come round when your partner is there (and enforce it, even if she turns up at the door). He can also take both children to visit her without you, once the baby is weaned. I have actually cut my own parents off from my children, so I know it can sometimes be unavoidable, but they were seriously abusive to me and showing signs of starting on my children. This isn't what happened here.

I think you probably need some counselling, both together and you on your own. The strains of pregnancy, birth and raising young children can sometime throw perspective out of whack a little, and getting some support will help you. Depression in pregnancy is also not unusual, and it might be worth speaking to your midwife or GP about that. I say this, because you don't seem to be just a standard-issue twat, you seem like someone who is struggling and has got themselves into a bit of a state. Your partner may need to work on his issues around his mother, that isn't uncommon. But my main concern is that you seem to be in need of help, and I hope you find it.