MIL cut my daughter’s hair without telling us

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My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have a 2 year old daughter.

We recently stayed at the in laws for Christmas and MIL was looking after our daughter most of the days, so I can rest (I am also pregnant with our second).
On the last day before we were going to leave, MIL cuts our daughter’s hair without telling me or my partner. (The cut is not good and not bad)
I was furious and confronted MIL, she admitted it.
It has affected me so much that it has caused arguments with my partner everyday. It has now got to the point where I don’t want my MIL to see our daughter but my partner still wants her to carry on seeing our daughter. We haven’t reached a compromise so now we have decided to separate because he chose his parents over me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it and let my MIL see our daughter.

I can understand being a bit irritated at the time, but doubling-down to the point of separation and becoming a single mum to two little ones? It can't be true surely. But if it is, I don't think the haircut issue is the reason your dp is ok with separating.

I'm not quite sure how your MIL cut the hair in the morning but you didn't notice until later on? So she's not been scalped then? I think you're looking for problems to be honest; if you do have a problem, it's with your partner not backing you up. Not your MIL.

That’s a crazy overreaction, OP.

Yes, I’d have been angry about the haircut, but to break up your family when you’re just about to have a baby? Bonkers.

You haven't given any details about the cut but there's a world of difference between trimming a fringe that's annoying a child and lopping a ponytail off on a whim. I'm going to assume the cut wasn't very dramatic. She should have asked first of course. You're not unreasonable to express that she overstepped and it annoyed you.

However, you're basically trying to tell your baby's father that his mother may not see his child. Over a haircut. Based on the details you've given, this appears to be an exercise in control for you. You are not your daughter's only parent and it's not all about you. There is a frothing contingent on here who wring their hands over the sanctity of motherhood and will tell you that you are right, but in the real world of actual people and families, cutting off contact with a grandmother over this is outlandish and disproportionate and ordinary people will think you quite mad.

Are you genuinely suggesting this over a hair cut?

Jesus. To be honest I already thought you sounded precious when you said MIL was looking after your kid for DAYS so you could rest just because you’re pregnant. Fair enough if you’re having issues in your pregnancy, but days? and where was your DH??

I’d be pissed off about not asking about the hair but it will grow back and it’s not something to separate over.

You have been going on about it everyday that why he's separating not the hair which will grow back. Yes you have been unreasonable! If my MIL had cut DS hair badly the limit of my anger would be enjoy taking him to the barber to get it sorted DH she your mother

So the hair cut was so minor and barely noticeable that you had to actually ask your mil if she cut it? 😳 And you’re this upset? Wow.

Separating over a haircut? Are you always so hysterical?

Also you're cutting of your nose to spite your face. Whose going to look after your child/ren 'most of the days so you can rest' now? When that baby arrives and you're a single parent of two, you're going to be more than a bit tired

I don't agree with all the posts saying this is nothing. I'd hit the fucking roof.

My mum kept our first locks of hair that were cut and I've still got mine.

My nephew had a beautiful curl at the back if his neck but wasn't ready for a full cut yet. My sister was letting it grow so she had a decent bit to tape and keep.

One day he came back from his paternal aunts and she'd cut it of and thrown it.

For what reason, we'll never know. It wasn't her place and he didn't need a cut anywhere else, the front wasn't in his eyes or anything, and even if it was, it's for his parents to sort out.

If that was me I'd probably have gone to her house and ended up smacking her in the face.

Cutting another person's child's hair is not acceptable, there's no reason for it at all, except as some stupid power play or vindictiveness.

She should have asked really. Was it a drastic haircut, or just getting it out of her eyes? (As my mum and MIL always say about my boys)

why is she taking presents away? That's strange.

Try to understand that when your mil lavishes her attention on her baby granddaughter at meals and family events, you view it as an invasion while your husband only sees his own loving mum enjoying his child. So what if she's in the middle of the photos? She's proud of the family she helped to raise.

Do you have to be the main feature every time? Jesus, you've plenty of photo opportunities without her.

She sounds a bit full on and hard work and I would want to draw a few boundaries for her too BUT you didn’t mind her minding her child for DAYS so you could rest? You can’t have been too bothered by the past behaviour to let her do that when it suited you. If you need so much help when pregnant then I suspect you will be grateful for her when you have a newborn.

Time to sit them both down and lose your shit with them both. Establish boundaries and stop caring about who cares about how you look or protecting their precious feelings. You have been a doormat for too long. Grow an iron spine and start saying no to MIL when she shows up. Tell her to call YOU first and ask if it is a good time. Tell her that your kids are YOURS. Cutting hair, piercing ears, etc, without your permission are assault. None of this will be tolerated. If DH wants you to remain his loving wife, then he is going to have to learn the circles of priorities theory (draw it for him) because until he does, you are rapidly losing respect for him. Every time he allows his mother to come between the two of you, the more emasculated you feel he is. He needs to back you up or move back to mummy’s house. If that happens, you will move with DD to wherever you are happiest.

Well you have failed in your attempt at going NC as now your separating from your partner he will be ensuring the relationship with his DC and his mum continues. Cutting her hair is outrageous, you challenged her and she has apologised. What more are you after?

Scary stuff.

If that was me I'd probably have gone to her house and ended up smacking her in the face.

Yes, that's so much more reasonable than her trimming a tiny bit of hair.

Wow, you just posted advice that tells op to abuse her husband and her child!

Excellent advice!

The suggested reactions of some on here to what sound like perfectly normal if mildly annoying family dynamics are actually frightening. I truly hope that if my children end up in significant romantic relationships, that it is with normal, kind, well balanced people who have an expansive notion of love. What is perhaps particularly galling about the OP's stance is that she is seemingly happy to lean on and trust this supposed 'monster-in-law' when it suits her.

If she'd taken her for her first tatt, then maybe. It's a haircut. She clearly adores your DD, this is no bad thing. Remind her you're her mother and anything like that, should be run past you first.

Your reaction is disproportionate. Why are you angry at your dh when it is your mil who has crossed the line and apologised? You can take dd to a hairdresser if you feel it needs doing properly. Presumably you were present in the house at the time , yet you both allowed her sole supervision for long enough that this happened. Are you deflecting your own issues perhaps?

Sorry op but I agree with everyone else here, I think you are being a bit ott. You are absolutely justified in being annoyed, but stopping contact because you don't like her is looking a bit too controlling. My SIL trimmed by dd's fringe once, actually after a haircut. I was livid, obviously, but told her not to do it again and we moved on. If you don't trust her then it'll be no unsupervised contact, but you can't cut her off from her father's family, against his wishes, over annoyances. Remember as pp said, if you split with him she will have as much unsupervised contact as she wants during his 50%.

I think ending yoyr marriage is OTT.
Think forward: Your DH will have the children 50/50 so your MIL will obviously be looking after them a lot if that time. You’ll have no control over that.
If your DH chooses to let his mother cut their hair, change their clothes, fit them out with new shoes, even take them to dental appointments during his time with them there’ll be nothing you can do about that.
Yes your MIL oversteps the mark, I don’t get the “ grandparents want to own the child” thing ( and I’m a grandparent though probably a lazy one)
Strengthen your boundaries. Speak to your MIL on her own, tell her you are DDs mother, not her, you make the decisions on haircuts etc. Should she ever do this again you will stop her seeing your dd. Tell her to call to arrange visits as polite people do. Take control of the situation.

I think the issue here is because he is trivialising your feelings over this and brushing it under the carpet .