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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL cut my daughter’s hair without telling us

219 replies

Lkjhgfdds · 06/01/2023 23:17

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have a 2 year old daughter.

We recently stayed at the in laws for Christmas and MIL was looking after our daughter most of the days, so I can rest (I am also pregnant with our second).
On the last day before we were going to leave, MIL cuts our daughter’s hair without telling me or my partner. (The cut is not good and not bad)
I was furious and confronted MIL, she admitted it.
It has affected me so much that it has caused arguments with my partner everyday. It has now got to the point where I don’t want my MIL to see our daughter but my partner still wants her to carry on seeing our daughter. We haven’t reached a compromise so now we have decided to separate because he chose his parents over me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it and let my MIL see our daughter.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 06/01/2023 23:52

I have read some over the top MIL hating threads on MN but to end your relationship because of a haircut (that will grow back) is ridiculous. I get that there are other things that have annoyed you too but to be honest I don’t think they are that bad

You will get the usual “all MILs are terrible” posters along to tell you that you are not being unreasonable but I do think that ending your relationship whilst pregnant over this is ridiculous

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/01/2023 23:53

@Lkjhgfdds just to say - I know my above post probably reads extremely harsh. And I don't deny that it is. But genuinely it is quite concerning that the things you're writing down are quite normal (even if irritating) but not worth the collapse of your relationship!

Jazz12 · 06/01/2023 23:54

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:33

You do not withhold your child from their relatives to punish them. Ever. That’s awful advice. Jesus wept.

Show quote history

And RELATIVES don’t take parental liberties.

BigHeadBertha · 06/01/2023 23:54

I think this is basically a turf war. MIL is competing with you to see which of you is the lady of your house. And your husband needs to learn to stand up to his Mommy. I suggest couples counseling because this is not going to get any better until he wakes up. Good luck with it.

IHateFlies · 06/01/2023 23:54

It sounds like your mil oversteps boundaries all the time and sounds quite overbearing.
Why on Earth is she returning gifts given to your family? That's such bizarre behaviour.

This may be a turning point in your relationship where you can strengthen your boundaries.

Gagaandgag · 06/01/2023 23:56

This happened to my friend. She had a little cry and told her husband she felt upset about it and that’s it. He told his mum she shouldn’t have done that, mil apologised - she genuinely thought she was doing the helpful thing. They moved on

You find her overbearing- I hear you. I wouldn’t like the haircut thing either. But I don’t think I’d separate over it. Like pp have said also if you do your husband will probably be over there seeing them
even more! Without you.
Did your husband just agree to separate and not try and convince you that you could all work it out?

I am very lucky to not have had this. My mil is the absolute opposite. Very very little interest.

Have you ever had a positive relationship with mil or was it awkward from the beginning?

saraclara · 06/01/2023 23:57

What most people have said. You're further list of 'heinous crimes' amounts to nothing at all. The returning gifts is odd, but I can't help thinking that there might be an explation behind that.

Cutting off contact with her is a real over reaction. But followed up by splitting with your partner over it is just nuts.

I can't help thinking that your hormones must be of the charts. This really isn't rational stuff.

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:59

Jazz12 · 06/01/2023 23:54

And RELATIVES don’t take parental liberties.

Show quote history

You cannot be serious. It’s not remotely comparable. It’s unacceptable to treat your children like a toy that you confiscate when people do things you disagree with. What they did isn’t relevant to that concept - your children don’t become a pawn for your disputes regardless of what the other person did. If you want to stop contact because they’re a danger to the child or something of that nature then by all means go ahead but temporarily withholding a child because you want to give them “consequences” is abusive parenting.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 07/01/2023 00:06

So you didn't notice for hours? (You say all afternoon with MiL, you must have seen your child?) And then weren't sure until you asked if her hair had even been cut? you're over reacting.

mynameislaetitia · 07/01/2023 00:13

I wouldn't like this either OP. Surely anyone would be furious - what on earth was she thinking! I'd definitely keep her more at arms length after this.

saraclara · 07/01/2023 00:15

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 07/01/2023 00:06

So you didn't notice for hours? (You say all afternoon with MiL, you must have seen your child?) And then weren't sure until you asked if her hair had even been cut? you're over reacting.

Yep. That seemed odd to me too It can't have been much of a cut. Presumably she trimmed a bit of fringe that was getting in her eyes or something. Otherwise you'd have noticed straight away, OP.

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 00:19

MIL is overstepping and taking the P

But wow based on this forum it seems like people will end a relationship for anything these days. Next generation will probably have most single parents than any others.

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/01/2023 00:21

She shouldn't have cut her hair but to break up your family over this seems a massive overreaction.

Unless there is much more to this.

YABVVU

Jazz12 · 07/01/2023 00:32

BigHeadBertha · 06/01/2023 23:54

I think this is basically a turf war. MIL is competing with you to see which of you is the lady of your house. And your husband needs to learn to stand up to his Mommy. I suggest couples counseling because this is not going to get any better until he wakes up. Good luck with it.

THIS

pelargoniums · 07/01/2023 00:39

Wait til MIL is napping and cut her hair. Then move on from this.

saraclara · 07/01/2023 00:40

Jazz12 · 07/01/2023 00:32

THIS

Show quote history

You both seriously think that this is a reason for his mother to not have any more contact with her grandchild? Seriously?

He did stand up for OP where it was sensible, and told his mother off for cutting the hair. But he's absolutely within his rights to tell OP it's unreasonable to cut his mother out of her grandchild's life for it. FFS, it took hours for OP to even suspect it had been cut and challenge her MIL about it. So clearly it was barely even a trim. She didn't scalp her.

If a male partner insisted on a MNer's mother never seeing their child again over something as trivial, there'd be an uprising on here.

IridescentShadow · 07/01/2023 00:59

You've hit a harsh crowd tonight, OP. I get it, he'll always pick her over you, which is the wrong dynamic. Sounds like she had boundary issues anyway but that he's very conditioned to it.

RubyPip · 07/01/2023 01:27

She's definitely over stepped, and has a history of over stepping. I'd be furious too.

Your DH should be backing you up, and be on your side.

Jazz12 · 07/01/2023 06:46

saraclara · 07/01/2023 00:40

You both seriously think that this is a reason for his mother to not have any more contact with her grandchild? Seriously?

He did stand up for OP where it was sensible, and told his mother off for cutting the hair. But he's absolutely within his rights to tell OP it's unreasonable to cut his mother out of her grandchild's life for it. FFS, it took hours for OP to even suspect it had been cut and challenge her MIL about it. So clearly it was barely even a trim. She didn't scalp her.

If a male partner insisted on a MNer's mother never seeing their child again over something as trivial, there'd be an uprising on here.

Show quote history

Even if the MIL managed to do the most beautiful haircut, it’s still wrong to do it without asking anyone. Huge boundary issues.

some men just don’t have the backbone to stand up to their mothers.

Jazz12 · 07/01/2023 06:59

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:59

You cannot be serious. It’s not remotely comparable. It’s unacceptable to treat your children like a toy that you confiscate when people do things you disagree with. What they did isn’t relevant to that concept - your children don’t become a pawn for your disputes regardless of what the other person did. If you want to stop contact because they’re a danger to the child or something of that nature then by all means go ahead but temporarily withholding a child because you want to give them “consequences” is abusive parenting.

Show quote history

No no! You are totally gaslighting the situation! No one must undermine parental authority. And people must respect boundaries. That’s non negotiable in any relationship.

You really think grandparents can do what they want and the parents have to just suck it up because it’s not physically dangerous!? Is it okay to just let the child have screen time all evening, eat sweets for dinner and stay up till 1am because it’s not dangerous!??? You must be joking!! ITS OPs CHILD !! Why should OP put up with being walked over !?

Children are not dolls for anyone to just randomly do haircuts on them!

user143677433 · 07/01/2023 07:01

So you barely noticed her hair had been cut, you spoke to MIL and she apologised, but you are going to break up your family and estrange your DD from her grandparents over this? That seams like an overreaction of epic proportions.

I don’t understand this part of the rest ”Taking gifts that were given by other people to our daughter and returning it to them without telling us”. That is genuinely weird behaviour on her part. I’m surprised it’s not a bigger deal than the haircut. How did it happen? How many gifts from how many people? Was it like a party for your DD and MIL went around and rejected all the presents? How did she do it without telling you? Didn’t you notice while she was doing it?

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 07:01

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 23:24

YABU

Obviously she shouldn’t have done it but you don’t prevent a 2yo seeing an otherwise loving grandparent because of one incident where the child wasn’t harmed, wasn’t in danger and the only thing that was bruised was your authority as a parent.

If my DH tried to prevent my mother seeing my child over an incident like this, I’d consider separating too.

This. Mil was obviously in the wrong but a proportional response is to let her know you're upset and ensure she won't do anything similar again. If you're not confident in her judgement don't let her babysit without you or your partner there. Cutting off contact is an insane over reaction.

Snippedasababy · 07/01/2023 07:07

Hang on. You have a bad relationship with her and feel she doesn’t have boundaries or pay attention to your boundaries.

But you stayed with her over Christmas anyway, and she looked after your child most days because you are pregnant?

You left you child with someone you werent happy with and feels ignore you as a parent so you could relax? Where was the child’s father? Why wasn’t he there looking after his child? What do you do when You aren’t at hers? Are you unable to look after her during the day?

If she is so awful, surely you would do anything you could, to avoid her looking after your child?

I would suggest that she isn’t quite as awful as you are making out. Because you leave your child with her.

I think it’s a huge over reaction. There’s been an apology. That should be the end of it.

emptythelitterbox · 07/01/2023 07:08

pelargoniums · 07/01/2023 00:39

Wait til MIL is napping and cut her hair. Then move on from this.

Grin
HomeTheatreSystem · 07/01/2023 07:08

pelargoniums · 07/01/2023 00:39

Wait til MIL is napping and cut her hair. Then move on from this.

My thoughts exactly. And write "TWAT" in hair removal cream on her scalp.