To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

[Silkrose]

On several occasions in the last year, we’ve sent gifts to the young children of family and friends. We haven’t once received a thank you note.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly (as did my siblings) but I understood the reason for doing it. It was the polite thing to do.

DD is too young to write thank you notes but I write them now on her behalf for Christmas and birthday presents, and will also text the sender to thank them. When she’s old enough, I’ll have her write or draw something to send.

I’ve noticed that this is pretty rare these days. Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC. One sibling didn’t even send thank you notes after their wedding(!)

AIBU to expect a thank you (note, text or acknowledgement of any kind!)?

I would expect a verbal thank you if the gift is given in person, and as the parent I would text the giver and say thank you (or message them on social media, etc). Once they are old enough to have a phone I would expect my kids to do this themselves. I wouldn't make them handwrite notes, no.

Did they thank you at the time?

Thankyou notes
Letters
Cards

All had their day....and are a waste! We are paper free as far as possible

I think you need to update your expectations with the times. Writting and posting things is on the decline.

Expecting anything in return for a gift isn't great, but I agree a thank you (either verbal or message) is polite.

I didn't even get a thank from the mum after the birthday (kid was 2). Makes me begrudge giving anything!

I'd expect it after a wedding or something. But nowadays not after giving a gift. I think it's a nice idea and quite sad it's not the done thing now. I remember writing thank you notes as a child but wouldn't expect today's children to do the same. Also not expected from adults.

I love hand written things though and send friends little cards for no reason now and again, usually well received!

Unless you received no thanks at all for the item YABU. A text, call, email, thanks in person are all much better methods of thanking these days. The only person I know who still writes thank you notes is my MIL and she is in her 80s.

We say thank you if the given a gift in person of course or we text if we receive a gift. But thank you notes... Nope. Absolutely do not have time for that. I also don't give gifts just to expect basically a card back in return, it seems a bit of a waste of paper and time.

Did you get a thank you at the time or a text once opened?

I send them. To anyone who gives DC a present. DC1 is old enough now to write a little bit, DC2 still just at the signing her name stage.

We don't have many children to send to but those that do mostly send notes/cards too.

“When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write”

I think part of the reason that a large amount of people have moved on from having children wrote notes, is that they have exactly the same recollection as you. So they know that now as an adult, what they’re receiving isn’t a genuine expression of appreciation from the child, but a forced note, probably done with the opposite of positive feelings!

I don’t want a forced note from my friends’ and sibling’s kids. I usually get a text from the parent saying, “thanks, she loves it!” and that’s actually far nicer.

As I’m in my 50s, I’ve seen some of those children reach early adulthood now - and they’re all polite.

A thank you text or email is enough. A physical letter is a faff that should die out.

I'll be honest, I had not heard of children doing this until joining MN. I had only heard of it in relation to weddings.

You're setting yourself up for disappointment expecting it because it's just not a thing for everyone. I would expect a message or a verbal Thankyou, but not specifically a note.

No thank you, text or email is fine, no gift next year as you don't even know if it has been received!

I think a verbal thank you is a good minimum and a text message afterwards is better but not strictly necessary.

Life is honestly too short.

If we can, we FaceTime the recipient so say thank you that way. Otherwise I text or email thanks and my eldest also emails. I usually do videos from them saying thank you which I send with text or email which are a lot more genuine and heartfelt than a letter would be.

No. It's a waste if paper and other resources. A thanks at the time, or in a call or email. Written notes have had their day.

Some sort of thank you- text, email, phone call or letter is polite. Not saying thank you at all is rude (be it the parent or the child). My children now older all still write thank you notes to older relatives who send them gifts or money as do my nieces and nephews.

Did they text, call or thank verbally? If so thats enough.

Nowadays I am fine with a verbal thankyou or a text afterwards. I find written thank you's pointless and wasteful. We have a relative who makes their child write/draw them and then they post them which seems excessive considering the cost of stamps! And I immediately put them in the bin/recycling!
Another relative videos her little ones saying thank you or sends a photo of them with the item which I think is much better.

As long as they've said thank you at some point, it's fine.

Paper thank you notes are such a waste of time and money.

You're unreasonable to want a note imo but obviously not unreasonable to expect acknowledgement of some kind (which is actually what saying thanks is, whether its a two page hand written letter or a verbal thank you or a WhatsApp photo of the child with the present or whatever else).

The rigmarole of thank you letters actually completely tainted receiving gifts for me for life, but my own mother was performative and completely OTT about it, so that writing "the thank you letter list" overshadowed opening the actual presents and soured the days after Christmas and birthdays as perfect, error free, "newsy" letters were expected and we were made to draft and redraft them (rough copy had to be approved before going into the"neat copy" which itself rarely passed muster first try). I actually remember writing that I'd prefer not to receive any more presents and getting into trouble for my ingratitude (and having to redraft...).

YANBU. Time to stop sending the gifts, they don’t value them or are entitled to think they are their due.

Thank you verbally if handed over in person. A text from the parent (or teenager if they are the recipient) of not.

Writing thank you letters is not longer done thank goodness

The fact that your mum stood over you and made you do it as a chore would make me feel bad when the note arrived in the post. A verbal thank you when I handed you the gift or when I next saw you would suffice. A text from your parents would also be fine.

Plus I am an over thinker and not used to the tradition so would wonder if I was supposed to thank you for your thank you which is just a never ending cycle.

No I cba with actual letters and would have no interest in receiving one.
We say thankyou in person when we receive it or send a text, with a picture ussually