To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

[Silkrose]

On several occasions in the last year, we’ve sent gifts to the young children of family and friends. We haven’t once received a thank you note.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly (as did my siblings) but I understood the reason for doing it. It was the polite thing to do.

DD is too young to write thank you notes but I write them now on her behalf for Christmas and birthday presents, and will also text the sender to thank them. When she’s old enough, I’ll have her write or draw something to send.

I’ve noticed that this is pretty rare these days. Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC. One sibling didn’t even send thank you notes after their wedding(!)

AIBU to expect a thank you (note, text or acknowledgement of any kind!)?

I did thank you cards for close family and friends after the birth of our babies and some have kept them as keepsakes/framed them.
Other than that I've either thanked in person or sent a text after. My eldest likes to record a video of herself thanking the person and sending it to them (she's 5). It's basic manners when someone gifts you something but I certainly wouldn't expect an actual note to be sent

@JenniferBarkley

In the scenario in which we’ve taken a present to a child’s birthday party, no- the present gets piled on the gift mountain and then it’s radio silence.

if I’m handing over a wrapped gift and it isn’t opened there and then, would you still expect a thank you later, once opened, regardless of whether there was a cursory ‘cheers’ at the time? I think I would.

YABU to expect a thank you letter. YANU to expect a thank you.
Personally if I hand a gift over ld expect a thank you there and then (assuming the recipient is there at handover). If I hadn't seen them I'd expect a text or call if I didn't see them for a few days after they opened it. I wouldn't expect a call on eg Xmas day necessarily.
Thank you letters have had their day.

I send texts as thank yous on behalf of my children, or a photo/video of them wearing, playing with said gift but that’s about it. My step mum used to make me write thank you notes/ make thank you calls and it rubbed me up the wrong way mostly because I didn’t understand why but now it bugs me to send them.

I rarely send thank yous on my own behalf -realising now that I don’t get anything gifted to me these days, but again if I did it would be a grateful text usually and prob a follow up thank you in person if i was to see them soon…

In that scenario, at my kids' school, the thank you notes are pretty hit and miss. Some parties you get them, some you don't, some you get a group WhatsApp to say thank you.

In my head, these are all pretty busy parents juggling a lot of stuff and 29 thank you notes might just be more than they can manage, especially if the child is a less confident writer.

Mine send them to relatives we don't always speak to like their great aunties/uncles. Anyone we speak to they just say in person.

In terms of parties i don't send thank you notes and wouldn't expect them.

Same as a previous poster, I have bad memories of writing thank you notes after Christmas and I would not enforce this on my child. I actually tend to feel quite sad about the ones I receive from my goddaughter every Christmas and birthday as I am certain she is being made to write them.

A thank you text to people that we haven’t seen or spoken to in person is more than acceptable in my book.

I find it faintly depressing that some people can not bring themselves to even thank others for expensive wedding gifts, or any kind of gift. It takes two seconds to send a text.

Those who say thank you letters have had their day - isn't this about the only form of communication young children (let's say lower primary) can manage? My 6 year old doesn't have email or a phone, so the only way she can write thank yous herself is by hand. (I hate it by the way - standing over my kids, who didn't ask for these presents in the first place, telling them they HAVE to write a one line card. I make them do it because otherwise the older relatives will judge me for being a bad parent 🙄)

Always write them here. I explained to DD (8yrs) that people like to know if she received the gift, if she’s used it or liked it etc., and it’s a way of making them happy. I also (ahem) explained that it makes it more likely that she will continue to receive well thought out gifts she likes rather than random ‘duty’ gifts. The combination has encouraged her to write them happily!

The thank you at a child’s party IS the party, the food and the party bag, and prob a whisk of thanks arriving or leaving. Defo wouldn’t expect a specific custom thank you letter or other wise from the mum after, even if it was a closer mum friend. I think the expectation is with you not the considered “done” thing. I wouldn’t withhold a gift Because I know or assume a thanks wouldn’t follow. I don’t give to receive, a thanks or more.

A verbal thank you or a text, yes, but I wouldn't expect anything written. If I get letters or cards they go straight into the recycling as soon as I have read them anyway. I wouldn't want a child to be forced to write a note. A message of some kind is polite, but electronic communications have largely taken over and aren't wasteful like thank you cards.

I would send a text or call (if they are an older relative) to say thank you. Also been known to send a voice note from the kids (they are young). But no, after the expense of Christmas I would not be sending a thank you note.

@Swissmountains - voice of reason! I agree.

I would add that I did and thank you cards for all wedding gifts and gifts received on my DC’s birth but it took me a while to get them all done.

I don't think its unreasonable to expect to be thanked for something. I 'make' my children write thankyou notes. I don't think its a big ask and it makes them appreciate the other person has taken time to write the card etc.
One of my nephews always says thankyou but on the other side of my family I have never had any card / text / phonecall and they are now in their 20s.. Last year their Mum said they had texted ;-). I am not holding my breath..

At my kids primary school the expectation is written thank yous to classmates for all birthday gifts too! Poor child has to write out 30 of them.

I am 100% with you on this. I feel that a 'thank you' note is the polite thing to send, when someone has gone to the trouble to send money or to choose, wrap and send a gift. It's an acknowledgement of the care and time you put into gifting it. Of course, it rarely happens these days, I agree. I do feel it's a nice thing to do but moving with the times, I am more than happy to receive a text or email or verbal thanks. I used to buy nice gifts for my little Goddaughter when she was a little girl but her parents never even used to acknowledge the gift and I was left wondering if it had arrived. On about 2 or 3 occasions over the years, I found myself messaging the mum ( a friend of mine) to ask if said gift had arrived; because I really thought that perhaps it hadn't! Of course, it had though. They just hadn't bothered to say 'thanks', even when they replied to the birthday message I had sent via text to my Goddaughter. I love that girl, so I carried on sending gifts and cards until she grew up; but she is now an adult and whilst the cards will always be sent, the gifting has come to an end. I must admit that my Goddaughter did acknowledge the last gift I sent her. She remains special to me even so but the lack of thought from her parents over the years did upset me, I will admit.

We do do Thank you notes usually...but as my Christmas cards have just started to be delivered this month, almost a whole month after I posted them and they cost an absolute fortune to post this year I've decided that I'll send a message or thank people in person (which I had already done). It's not cheap to do these things and I have other priorities financially. That does not mean I am not thankful for the gifts

Mine do a cracking video message.

I then send it, just as I'd post a thank you note.

I was also made to write out long 'thank you' letters as a child...I hated it and would rather not have had the gift...with my own children I got them to say 'thank you' in person or if not possible..... to text or use messenger....to me this is sufficient and I would not be sending cards through the post.

DS is sending 2 thank you notes to people who sent him money for Christmas that we don't see often. I've always got him to do thank yous and I appreciate getting them too when I send a present - mostly so that I know it arrived. I know I will get thank you's from a friends children that I sent money to, so it's definitely something that still happens.

"Expectation" from who? What happens if a parent doesn't and sends a text (or even nothing) instead? Are they tarred and feathered?

Just because other parents do it doesn't mean everyone wants to. Break the mould, invoke a change and just send a text! The other parents will probably secretly thank you!

I send 'thank you' cards if l haven't seen the person in person, which is almost always the case, none of my friends live near me.
I wasn't brought up to do that, but l'm of a generation before we had texting, emails etc (we didn't even have a phone at home until l was in my teens) so we wrote a lot back then. Even just to friends.
My best friend and l talk every day on the phone (we don't live near each other) but we still write and send cards like we did when we were young. It's just nice to get something handwritten in the post rather than bills and junk.
And we don't bin them, either. We've both (and other friends from school have told me they've done this too) kept letters and cards going back over 50 years. It's lovely to have the memories. Just a generational thing now, though.