Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

217 replies

Silkrose · 05/01/2023 14:49

On several occasions in the last year, we’ve sent gifts to the young children of family and friends. We haven’t once received a thank you note.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly (as did my siblings) but I understood the reason for doing it. It was the polite thing to do.

DD is too young to write thank you notes but I write them now on her behalf for Christmas and birthday presents, and will also text the sender to thank them. When she’s old enough, I’ll have her write or draw something to send.

I’ve noticed that this is pretty rare these days. Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC. One sibling didn’t even send thank you notes after their wedding(!)

AIBU to expect a thank you (note, text or acknowledgement of any kind!)?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 05/01/2023 15:02

I still send thank you letters or cards for presents - it's just good manners.
A text or email would be fine tho. Sadly, too many people make no contact at all so you only know that the gift was received if you sent it by exoensive Signed For delivery (and then you have to go to the trouble to check the Royal Mail tracking).
If people want to be paper-free, that's OK. Not sending any kind of thanks at all is just graceless and rude.

BigMadAdrian · 05/01/2023 15:03

It's fine, as long as they said thank you at the time.

redskydelight · 05/01/2023 15:04

Expecting to be thanked for the gift - yes
Expecting an actual note to be written and posted to you - no

GoldenCupidon · 05/01/2023 15:04

Am I being unreasonable to expect parchment scrolls of thanks? When I was a child my mum made me kill and skin the sheep myself and mix the ink out of berries. What's wrong with children today that they CBA to do the same?

(YANBU to expect thanks but I think a nice message, voicenote or call is also good - my own mum was a rebel and made us phone up instead of writing notes as she had hated it so much.)

RambamThankyouMam · 05/01/2023 15:04

Handwritten communication is a dying art.

I received a wedding anniversary card from my parents, for example, but have never sent them (or anyone) one, for example.

A text or call to say thank you suffices, for gifts, IMHO.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/01/2023 15:05

To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

Perhaps last time you were sent a thankyou note, you didn't send a thankyou note for the thankyou note and so people have decided you don't value the thankyou notes.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/01/2023 15:06

Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC.

Your siblings not sending notes is most perturbing. Do they continue to live as Jane Austin characters in other ways or have they rejected their cultural heritage entirely?

User0610134057 · 05/01/2023 15:08

I know what you mean but I think as long as there’s some sort of acknowledgment like a text then that’s fine. Written thank you cards are dated now (perhaps sadly)

Original poster
Silkrose · 05/01/2023 15:08

Ah this is making me sad!

I totally get those who are saying that it’s a waste of paper/ cost of a stamp etc but I’m talking about nothing- not even a text, email or video message (which is actually a really nice idea @DorothyCannoli - I’ll remember that!)

Seems a shame as I know older relatives in particular appreciate it.

I absolutely don’t give in order to receive a thank you note, but I dont think it’s unreasonable to expect acknowledgement of some kind of I’ve gone to the trouble….

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 05/01/2023 15:08

Well clearly I'm in minority as I always do them from our toddler and have her scribble in it

My side of the family always did it. My husbands never have and I always found it strange

I was always brought up that we had to write or phone to say thank you. My daughter isn't capable to saying thank you yet so we will write and scribble for now!

Lkydfju · 05/01/2023 15:09

I give a verbal thank you or a message but if I don’t have their number then I send a little card. I think thank you texts are fine.

gingergiraffe · 05/01/2023 15:09

In my opinion any form of thank you is important. My kids always verbally thanked people who gave them gifts and did write little thank you letters once they were able to those who sent a gift or money in the post. The youngest who is not the greatest communicator created a simple little letter outline on the computer which he would fill in as needed!
Now they are adults they receive less gifts but always thank people. After the youngest’s wedding, he wrote thank you cards to our family but sadly his wife chose not to do so for her family.
A gift usually shows you care and a thank you shows the giver that you appreciate it. I too am happy to no longer buy gifts or send money to those who do not acknowledge it.

Tiddler39 · 05/01/2023 15:10

LadyDanburysHat · 05/01/2023 14:53

Unless you received no thanks at all for the item YABU. A text, call, email, thanks in person are all much better methods of thanking these days. The only person I know who still writes thank you notes is my MIL and she is in her 80s.

She said she didn’t receive any acknowledgment at all.

Don’t you think this is rude?

PeekAtYou · 05/01/2023 15:10

My mum isn't English so I never did written notes but with RM the way it is, I think that written notes are risky since they may not turn up. Plus I'd imagine that there's a whole lot of rules about how offended I should be with regards to when the note arrives. For example if the child opened it on Christmas Day and wasn't overseas, I assume that they are expected to write me a note before they return to school. Or is that not how it works ?

PhotoDad · 05/01/2023 15:12

Our DC send thank-you cards to the (very) few distant relatives who kindly send them stuff, if we don't have their phone/email details.

MerryChristmasToYou · 05/01/2023 15:12

I write and receive thank you letters, but I'm surprised at some who don't even send a text.

What else surprises me is the number of texts I get with no name. If they are not in my contact list, I haven't a clue who it is from.

MerryChristmasToYou · 05/01/2023 15:14

The anonymous texts aren't thank you texts. They are usually something like 'U busy tonite?' or something that's enough to make me think twice about responding.

AlwaysAuntie · 05/01/2023 15:16

We send text, WhatsApp or fb Messenger to whoever gave us gifts.

namechange3394 · 05/01/2023 15:17

If you've never received thank yous fair enough. Ours have made thank you cards but we only posted them yesterday and we are still receiving things that were posted about 3 weeks ago, so I hope the recipients don't think we're being ill-mannered!

Original poster
Silkrose · 05/01/2023 15:19

@donquixotedelamancha I can only assume my siblings are too busy, out courting possible suitors or fainting at the mere idea of receiving a thank you card to busy themselves with doing the same!

OP posts:
Swissmountains · 05/01/2023 15:20

A thank you text is the bare minimum. If you are not getting a single acknowledgement of any kind I would stop sending gifts. They obviously don't care about the effort and expense and are either entitled brats/rude or indifferent.

Next year spend the money on something lovely for yourself!

We do still write thank yous here too. It is the least we can do. I don't expect them, but I do still receive some handwritten thank you cards, and I always think it is is lovely and assume the children have grown up with excellent manners and appreciate my efforts.

honeylulu · 05/01/2023 15:22

I do like to have a "thank you" and make sure my children thank people for their gifts but i don't think it has to be a written note. In person, a text, email, call or indeed a note or a picture all fine!

My parents made me write long laborious thank you letters for every gift. If they didn't deem the content sufficient ot the writing was too messy or there were spelling mistakes I'd be made to start again. I was happy to acknowledge the gift and say thank you but the process seemed so punishing. Sometimes I'd think I'd rather not have received the gift, which cannot be what the giver intended! It also dawned on me when I got older that I also gave gifts to some adults including aunts and grandparents and rarely got thank you notes from them!

So yes thank you is important and polite but saying it verbally is quite sufficient. If someone never even acknowledged my gifts I'd just stop giving them though. A text takes seconds.

JenniferBarkley · 05/01/2023 15:22

I don't think you've said if they thanked you verbally in person at the time? That would be enough for me.

Lcb123 · 05/01/2023 15:23

I think nowadays a verbal or text thank you is fine. But my brother didn’t even do that for their wedding, no thank you at all despite spending a lot of money attending and on their gift

WeAllHaveWings · 05/01/2023 15:27

I would expect a thank you when giving or if if the gift was not handed over personally a text/message.

I text/message thank you, or would have visited/phoned older relatives who don't have/actively use a mobile phone, but we don't exchange gifts with anyone in this category anymore.

I haven't seen a thank you note for years! Times have moved on. As long as the thank you is given the means is irrelevant.