To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

[Silkrose]

On several occasions in the last year, we’ve sent gifts to the young children of family and friends. We haven’t once received a thank you note.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly (as did my siblings) but I understood the reason for doing it. It was the polite thing to do.

DD is too young to write thank you notes but I write them now on her behalf for Christmas and birthday presents, and will also text the sender to thank them. When she’s old enough, I’ll have her write or draw something to send.

I’ve noticed that this is pretty rare these days. Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC. One sibling didn’t even send thank you notes after their wedding(!)

AIBU to expect a thank you (note, text or acknowledgement of any kind!)?

With family/friends, we say thanks in person or by text. Definitely no notes or video message. 😬

Class parties, people don’t really say thanks other than if they do at the time, if they’re not busy with the party. I don’t care about getting a thank you anyway. You buy a present, your kid gets fed and a couple of of hours of fun.

Yanbu. My kids always send thankyous.

granted, sometimes they send an email or text, with a picture etc. but we always do a proper thanks.

I was going to say YABU, until you said any acknowledgment. A call to say thanks is reasonable, imo. Thank you notes aren’t typical, unless it’s for a wedding or baby shower, etc, at least among the people I know

I’m a hypocrite in that I think an individual Thankyou is lovely yet usually end up with

I still remember the dread when my mum pulled the writing paper out after Christmas. We had to fill A5 size writing paper with lovely letters in small handwriting - thanking relatives whilst also updating them on what we'd been up to. We had about 10+ letters to send. I utterly hated it. I vowed that I'd never make my children do the same, and I never have. A verbal thank you face to face or over the phone should be enough, or a text or photo, etc.

Of course people should say thank you for a present but it doesn't require a thank you card. You could go on forever, a thank you card to say thank you for the thank you card & so on.

Yes they are nice to get depending on what's written on them but if you imagine that many thank you cards for presents (not necessarily talking about other reasons ) give the writer no pleasure & they have sat there thinking fuck I've got to write this card because it's expected of me then why would you want one.

Thank you cards are a female tradition that's handed down that almost everyone loathes doing but feel pressured into doing by other women's judgement.

How many men write thank you cards? Or how how many dad's are standing over their kids getting them to write them. Pretty sure it's hardly any.

I have a hatred for writing thank you cards for presents in case its not clear 😁

I hate getting thank you notes from my friends DCs. It means that I know she is silently judging me for not forcing my DC to write one. Thankfully even she has now moved to modern technology and the girls send a whatsapp message instead.

I do send thank yous and make DS do them, but we're in the 21st century now, an email or message is absolutely fine.

@Straycatblue I'm the one who was responsible for getting thank-you cards written when my kids did them for Christmas/birthdays and I'm the dad. I'm still nagging reminding my DW to say/text "thank you" to some of her cousins who unexpectedly sent us some chocolates for the whole family (and I don't have their contact details to hand or I would do it!) I know that doesn't generalise to most households, though.

YANBU.

I write Thank you letters for my DS17 as he has SLD and is unable to even hold a pen/crayon.

Most of his gifts are from family members who live away from us and as I don't have a mobile phone or their email addresses I always send a written Thank you.

They obviously know it is from me but when I have seen them in person they have always commented on how much they appreciate them.

Verbal thank you when it’s handed over or a text if it was sent in the post is sufficient.

“this is pretty rare these days”

There, you’ve answered your own question.

I'd expect a thank you as thats basic manners. I wouldnt care what form that came in- verbal, text or letter.

YANU expecting a thank you
YABU expecting it has to be a note/card

Times have changed since years ago as then a card was the only way to communicate with people.

A thank you via text or verbal does the job

Well i applaud your wife for not getting the kids to write thank you cards for presents. It's a waste of life.

Do you enjoy writing the thank you cards? & have you asked your children if they enjoy writing them?
Or do you write them & get your children to write them due to pressure from perceived judgement if not done?

Totally accept you & your children might all have a great love for writing thank you cards & do it happily without feeling any sort of pressure.

I don't think it's the done thing anymore, no. A verbal thank you should be enough IMO. Weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs are the only times I'm aware of now when people tend to send thank yous.

If I hand a present over and I get a thank you in that moment that is,all I need

I don't care if the open the present for ages afterwards I had my thank you at the time, I hope they enjoy the present and I move on

Why is that not enough? Do people need reassurance?

Plenty of weddings I have attended and not received any thanks. Very rude.

A general post on Facebook saying the is Everyone isn't any confirmation that they received my gift (especially if sone off a list)

From kids, a video message is fine or I generally get a postcard from my sisters kids, a short acknowledgment which is fine.

My SIL gets my nephews to do video messages and they're wonderful, it's just my nephews mucking about really. I'd much rather have that. I probably expected a note twenty odd years ago when my eldest nieces were little, but not now.

I remember doing this as a child and spent all of my birthday and Christmas writing down what I had and who from to write thank you cards after, rather than actually opening and appreciating a present. This Christmas is the first time I've stopped.
I say thank you in person on receiving it and have messaged or called people who I didn't see to thank them.
I think that's enough, I figure as long as someone has said thank you when I give them a gift then that's enough for me, I don't expect handwritten thank you cards.

YANBU to expect a thankyou for gifts given, YABU to expect this to be written on a piece of paper or a card.

DS says thank you in person or we record a little video of him saying thank you for his present and send that off to everyone who gifted him something

As I said upthread, it's not too demanding a task. The children only write thank you cards to elderly distant relatives that we're not in touch with by email, text etc but who still send some cash every Christmas and birthday. Not immensely enjoyable, I'll agree, but for the sake of a few minutes I think it's worth it to keep the elderly distant relatives happy.

I have no hugely strong feelings on the matter. I was just commenting on the claim that it was mostly women driving this. That's almost certainly true, just not in this particular household!

I remember doing this as a child and spent all of my birthday and Christmas writing down what I had and who from to write thank you cards after

All of it? Say it takes at a generous estimate, 3 minutes to note this information ('Boots lavender gift set - Auntie Sue') that would mean you could note down 20 givers per hour - how many presents did you get for this to take you all day?

It takes a couple of seconds to send a text or pick up the phone.
Apart from it being basic good manners it lets the sender know the gift has been received.

We either say it in person or on the phone, or by text/WhatsApp/etc.
I feel thank you cards written under duress as you describe (and I remember doing) are meaningless