To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

[Silkrose]

On several occasions in the last year, we’ve sent gifts to the young children of family and friends. We haven’t once received a thank you note.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly (as did my siblings) but I understood the reason for doing it. It was the polite thing to do.

DD is too young to write thank you notes but I write them now on her behalf for Christmas and birthday presents, and will also text the sender to thank them. When she’s old enough, I’ll have her write or draw something to send.

I’ve noticed that this is pretty rare these days. Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC. One sibling didn’t even send thank you notes after their wedding(!)

AIBU to expect a thank you (note, text or acknowledgement of any kind!)?

A text or call yes. But not a thank you note. That’s very antiquated now

@Cuppasoupmonster , I wouldn't call to say thank you, as it wouldn't be the same. Someone has gone to the trouble of choosing and buying a present and sending it it to me, so the least I can do is make the effort to write. Phoning to say thank you would be more intrusive, and I'm not really chatty.
If it was a close relative I'd just phone or text.

If it was a niece or nephew, I'd expect a text or quick phone call, but probably get nothing.

The ones i write thank you notes to are aged, and not the sort to text, and i usually send a small parcel not a letter.

Phoning to say thank you would be more intrusive

A phone call is intrusive?! Most elderly relatives I have love chatting on the phone rather than a stock ‘thanks for the present, love Cuppa’. Ah well.

That's you though. What suits your relatives might not suit mine.
Of course phone calls can be intrusive, that's why callers often ask 'Is now a good time to talk?'.

You are just arguing for the sake of it.

As you said yourself, you text a thank you. Times have changed.

We used to have smallpox, not every change is for the worse.

Thankyou note are not a hill I’d choose to die on. But you do you.

When my daughter was younger I always expected her to send a thank you card with a brief message unless a present had been given in person - it's just basic good manners. I always appreciated receiving cards from children I had sent presents to.

It’s just very old fashioned and involves buying stamps and faffing about. A call or text conversation with photos etc is so much more meaningful. That’s what I do with the people I love and who love me and my children.
I would always find a way to say thank you. Ignoring would be awful, unless it’s someone who you don’t like who keeps sending unwanted gifts.
I’d 100% understand a busy Mum not saying thank you til they saw me next because we all know how super busy and stressful modern life with work and kids is.
maybe the people who complain are of the generation who stayed at home while husbands worked etc, or the very uptight and traditional. God knows how many or what things they’ve done that they may not have enjoyed because there were societal expectations. The world has moved on!

@ThreeblackCats , I text, call or write depending on who it is. No biggie. Not remotely a 'hill I'd choose to die on'. Just a bit of thought as to who likes a card, who likes a letter, who's likely to have a busy house and no time to chat, and who has their phone in their hand at all times and would be ok with a text. No biggie.

You do you.

YANBU. I always send thank you cards for Christmas, birthday, any other gift in the year or if we’ve stayed the weekend with friends, or even (pre child!) gone to a fancy dinner at a friend’s. I write them on DS’s behalf now as he’s too young.

DH’s DB and SIL never even send a thank you text for gifts we give their DC. Grabby, ignorant f.

But it's ok if people spend time "faffing about " selecting, paying for and delivering the gift, eh? But putting in a fraction of the effort to send heartfelt thanks is too much trouble.

Just bizarre to be kind enough to send a present but mean enough to want some “work” demonstrated from the receiver. It’s not really a gift then is it. No one demanded a gift and no one should demand a thank you in a specific form. Surely it’s the intent that the main thing?
Genuine wish to give us lovely, a genuine thank you is lovely.
There’s a stinky air of obligation otherwise.
That ickiness outweighs any good feeling from there giving or receiving.
People who need to be wanted or appreciated in a very specific way are rarely going to be happy or satisfied.

That’s sad for them. I hope the OP doesn’t fall too far down that trap as people ime start abiding those people and it becomes a vicious circle…

@Yb23487643 , I don't expect anything when I send a present, I just hope that they were delighted by it, or at least that they liked it. If they don't say thank you, then I think maybe it disappointed them.

I would generally wonder if they received it, but wouldn’t want to make them feel bad by chasing it unless very high value item.
You have to chose happiness sometimes instead of letting too much hang on the actions of others. Certainly taking offence at something which would have been not meant to cause offence seems like a waste of a life. I used to write thank you notes but they’d end up being sent 3 months later with a new baby. I’ve since learnt that a personal phone call or video call with me and the kids is much better all round. And if a present has arrived in a nightmare week with ill kids or a hundred after school clubs and long hours at work my friends and family would understand if they didn’t necessarily get a reply immediately. Most working parents just don’t have much time, energy or brain power to spare.

We did them when the children were young. Now it's a text or WhatsApp message thanking them instead.

I remember finding out my eldest was paying the youngest to write his thank you notes for him!

My GC do a video call or a pre recorded video message is sent. We don't have elderly relatives still alive, who want cards/notes. We stopped sending cards and doing adult presents and distant children in 2015. It is a massive waste of resources. My DD would rather her children got less, we are still finishing Halloween sweets, so some of the Christmas chocolate/selection boxes got put in the food bank collection.

I & my 2 DD still write thank you notes to anyone who sends us a gift in the post (so you can't thank them in person). We buy White Postcards 200gsm... www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B001238BFA?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share these postcards – you get 4 on an A4 sheet so not too much writing, then print a picture of the DDs on the other side. When the kids were small I wrote them & they took over about aged 6. They used to complain but understood the reason and just get it done in about 30 mins now they're in their teens. I think they still get nice cheques from distant (both in relationship - they're all great-somethings & geography) relatives because they still send thank you's. One great aunt keeps them all in a photo album.

It doesn't have to be a card but I do like an sms at least if I send someone a gift - it's the bare minimum of politeness & let's you know it has arrived safely. I stopped sending my nephews gifts (DH is not close to his brother) as I didn't even get an sms.

All bar one of 16 year olds in DD1's NCT group sent either sms, email or card thank yous when I sent them cash on their 16th b'days. So it's not just family.

I also grew up in a similar household where writing thank-you notes was considered important. It's a way to show appreciation and gratitude for the kindness shown. Even if I don't have a way to handle the paper note, I use notes online for that. These days, it seems like the tradition is fading, and many people don't prioritize sending thank-you notes anymore.