To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

[Silkrose]

On several occasions in the last year, we’ve sent gifts to the young children of family and friends. We haven’t once received a thank you note.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly (as did my siblings) but I understood the reason for doing it. It was the polite thing to do.

DD is too young to write thank you notes but I write them now on her behalf for Christmas and birthday presents, and will also text the sender to thank them. When she’s old enough, I’ll have her write or draw something to send.

I’ve noticed that this is pretty rare these days. Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC. One sibling didn’t even send thank you notes after their wedding(!)

AIBU to expect a thank you (note, text or acknowledgement of any kind!)?

This is also a good point.

I received a to thank you message from my brother for the present I sent his ds - however I haven't received anything for my kids from them so didn't thank him/ them.

He does usually send something (though it often arrives late) so probably did this year and thinks I'm being rude for not sending thanks... but we didn't receive anything...

Very old fashioned. Not going to happen any more because of all the other ways people can say thank you.

My kids will send a thank you email for all presents. If they see the giver in person, they’ll also, obviously verbally thank them too.

Older relatives seem a bit put out by this, but I think it’s the thought that counts, not the method of delivery. And it’s way less wasteful.

I wonder if there’s a correlation between the people who can’t be arsed to acknowledge a gift and those who are lonely and have no friends?

@Survey99 literally everyone does it... your kid goes to a party and a couple of weeks later the birthday child hands out all the thank you notes at the school gate. Of course nothing obvious would happen if you didn't, but it's the same thing as older relatives isn't it... you'd be judged on your bad parenting.

You'll be waiting a long time for that! Nobody will expect it from you either, if your child has birthday parties.

I am going to put this out there, but I see a drop in general standards everywhere especially post pandemic.

It is basic good manners to thank someone sincerely for a gift. I regularly see people failing to hold the door open for someone else walking through, a good morning when greeting a shopkeeper or a bus driver. Offering a seat to an older person. A thank you goes a very long way whatever is being offered at the time, and yet some people still fail to recognise the importance of good manners and civility. The same parents that are not teaching their children to thank others for their gifts no doubt do not bother to explain the effort, care and thought that has gone into choosing and sending a gift to them. They are literally being taught indifference and a lack of gratitude. Endless consumption and expectation replaces good manners and genuine appreciation.

Not having the time/being too busy/stamps are expensive are excuses, you were not too busy to accept the gift, assuming you are not too busy to enjoy the gift - so therefore a considered text, a picture, a card or a letter really isn't too much to ask and if you are too busy to manage even the basics then may I kindly suggest you take a long look at your lifestyle and priorities.

Their children in the future might find themselves unemployable and without a social life because they do not possess the basic manners needed in life, and will appear rude and lacking in awareness.

DC are both (well) beyond the Primary School whole-class parties, but the expectation at their school was a thank-you note for each present.

Then at one party, the birthday boy handed out pre-printed "Thank you for the lovely gift" cards when he received the presents and before opening them! Which is something I hadn't encountered before.

My kids wouldn't remember what they got from whom to thank relatives verbally they see a few weeks later. Of course we tell them whom gifts are from but they definitely don't recall it for more than a few minutes.

I send thank you cards. It's the polite thing to do and DS is only 2 so dark manage it yet.

YABU though if you would expect one to have landed already after a Christmas gift! They're down my to do list.

That must vary massively by school as I've got three children who are all now at secondary school and who must, between them, have been to literally hundreds of primary school birthday parties at which they always gave the birthday child a present, and never once received (nor expected) a thank you note afterwards.

@Swissmountains I strongly disagree. The kids haven't asked for gifts, half the time they have no interest in what's been given - it's the adults in their lives who are forcing all this consumption of stuff on them. Yes they can say thank you because it's socially the done thing, but small children have NO agency to understand or opt out of the gift giving ritual.

DD3 "writes" cards throughout th year and enjoys posting them. She thinks about what to write "writes it" and I write her words for her.

For birthday and Christmas, we tend to send a photo or short video clip on WhatsApp of her playing with/wearing/using said item with a thank you message

I was also made to write out long 'thank you' letters as a child...I hated it

Me too. Though to be fair, I don't think it was much fun for my mum either!

I used to be avid about thank you notes, but I begrudge RM now there are more efficient ways of thanking. My kids, and I, always say thank you, text or call but it's no longer a hand written note.

For any gifts given to me or my young DC I always send a gushing thank you text, usually with a few lines about how they reacted / how much they're using it etc. Sometimes a phone call depending on the gift/sender.

I don't ever send cards, it's not necessary. I think as long as a gift is gratefully acknowledged by the recipient then all good.

YANBU OP but you and I are a dying breed

Have you actually heard anyone judging a parent for not sending out thank you notes? Or it is it just your own personal perception or need to do the same as everyone else?

If you wouldn't judge someone as a bad parent for not sending a thank you note what makes you think others would judge? They are just mums, a fair few probably don't want to send them either, even more won't care if they don't get one!

Go on, be bold and next time just send a text!

My DH sent Christmas and birthday gifts to his god-daughter for 21 years. Never once received an acknowledgment, much less thanks. They moved away when she was a toddler so we never saw her. We checked the gifts were arriving a couple of times. Some acknowledgment and occasional thanks - even by text - would've been nice. He stopped at her 21st birthday.

YABU. Why isn’t a verbal thank you or text enough? Getting a kid to write a note, then remembering to buy stamps and post it is a total ball ache 🤷🏼‍♀️ life is busy enough as it is.

I wonder if thank you notes are a very British thing. At my DC’s school (60% + foreign parents) no-one does them and a verbal thank you as the present is handed over is deemed sufficient (with very occasionally a text message afterwards if it was a really special present).

No one I knew ever did them when I was growing up either (grew up overseas) and when I first moved here I found them a bit weird & forced - almost like getting a receipt.
I’m used to them now and think they’re quite sweet but I still rarely do them unless it’s a special present.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly

You’re absolutely right, this is so much healthier than just accepting a verbal/txt thank you from the parent. Oh wait…

I’d love a note but an happy with a FB message saying thanks and a photo of the child playing her new recorder from Auntie Maddie 🤣🤣

Still do thank you cards here! However i do now think that for some a text is fine.

You are right FraterculaArctica.

Could you do it for them though?

I'd have loved it if I'd received fewer terrible gifts and as a result had to write fewer agonising multiple drafts of exemplary thank you letters.

A lot of the presents I had to thank people for were things I had no use for at all (an aunt always sent plastic earrings for pierced ears but I wasn't allowed my ears pierced nor to tell her they weren't pierced...)

My mum was, I suspect, like you in that a lot of her life was lived in terror of being judged negatively and hope of being judged positively. She spent an awful lot of her life and energy performing (the good mother, the good wife, the good professional woman, the good Christian, the good member of her clubs, the good citizen etc. etc. for an audience who existed largely in her imagination.

A lot of the things we, as a family, had to do (and eat, and wear, and achieve academically and in other areas, places we had to go, and things she wanted us to believe, the specific types of friends and hobbies and later partners she wanted us to have) were dictated by an imaginary audience judging her and how our behaviour and lives reflected upon her.

I suspect now that she was actually masking her whole life, but nobody diagnosed autism in high ability girls in the 1950s!