To expect ‘thank you’ notes?

[Silkrose]

On several occasions in the last year, we’ve sent gifts to the young children of family and friends. We haven’t once received a thank you note.

When I was growing up, my mum would stand over us making us write to distant relatives and close relations alike to thank them for any Christmas and birthday gifts they sent us. At the time, I wrote them begrudgingly (as did my siblings) but I understood the reason for doing it. It was the polite thing to do.

DD is too young to write thank you notes but I write them now on her behalf for Christmas and birthday presents, and will also text the sender to thank them. When she’s old enough, I’ll have her write or draw something to send.

I’ve noticed that this is pretty rare these days. Even my siblings don’t do this on behalf of themselves or their DC. One sibling didn’t even send thank you notes after their wedding(!)

AIBU to expect a thank you (note, text or acknowledgement of any kind!)?

Just a generational thing now, though
I'd say it's a personal preference thing really. Lots of older people have ditched paper communications and some younger ones obviously like cards etc.
I'm in my late 50s so obviously grew up without much technology and I am delighted to have alternatives to paper now.
My 85 year old MIL has her iphone pretty much glued to her and communicates with her grandchildren almost exclusively electronically. No more birthday cards with cash in from her, it's a bank transfer and a WhatsApp message these days and the grandchildren respond in kind.
If people actively want to write letters of course they are free to do so. Some people clearly enjoy doing that but it isn't essential and I don't think there's anything "better" about writing a card than sending a text. If I get a thank you card I think "oh, that's nice" and chuck it in the recycling. If I get a thank you text I think "oh, that's nice", and hit delete. It's the thanks that matter, not the way they are delivered in my opinion.

I think there might be a special place in hell for Aunt Maddie if she really sends her nephews and nieces recorders for Christmas 🤣

I ask DDs to send a text or emails and they have done for some time now. When they were little I did it for them and only occasionally wrote an actual thank you card. Also with the post as it was over December I'm still getting Christmas cards! Thank you cards would probably arrive in about two weeks' time.

If someone posts a gift to us we always text and say thank you but otherwise it’s only a verbal thank you on receipt of the gift.

This is one of the Very British Problems which is still amusing me.

Thank you cards.

No, given you’d be happy with a call, message, note or any kind of acknowledgment, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Appalling manners not to say thank you.

YANBU. It's shocking how lazy people are in this regard.

I no longer send gifts to those who can't be bothered to acknowledge them.

I would love to know how many adults would enjoy the task of writing a tediously long letter to everyone who gives them a gift.

"Dear MIL,

Thank you so much for the book and the lavender things for the drawer. I was so excited to receive these gifts, they are very thoughtful. I started playing with them straight away on Christmas morning and it was so much fun. Later in the day we all played charades and the kids had a fight about who had to walk the dog. It was lovely. I do hope you have had a great Christmas too and got lots of lovely presents.

Love from

Golden"

But in handwriting with no mistakes and multiple drafts x the number of presents received. I'd be suggesting a no presents policy before you could say Jack Robinson.

I used to send them but can't afford to buy that many stamps now.

We thank by text, usually with a picture of child with present or gift bought with money sent.

I think it is sad so many people haven't read the FULL text of your original post. Although you could have worded it better because the headline asks specifically about thank you notes

But YANBU in expecting some kind of thank you. Verbal, text, some sort of acknowledgement. Yes. Times have changed and people don't write official 'thank you cards' nearly as much as they did but it is plain bad manners and rude not to at least acknowledge that someone has received a gift and to thank the giver in SOME form, which is what you are really asking.

I agree with a PP that if they constantly don't at least SAY thank you, in whatever form, I would stop giving them presents.

I'm not bothered with notes personally. I had to do them as a child, and hated the process! Mine are just at the age now where's we'd start it if we were going to, but we haven't.
However, I'm a stickler for manners, and if the gift giver is there, I do make the DCs stop, look the giver in the eye and say a proper thank you to their face. None of this half-hearted thank yous thrown over a shoulder while they tear into the gift.
I do also try and send a text or an email later on with a picture of the child playing with the toy, wearing the outfit etc.

Most of my gifts are transactional, I give to my DNs and my sister gives to my children. We agree an amount for the gift costs. If we're not together when they are opened we don't bother.

I probably have ADHD, and would rather cease all gift giving forever than have to write notes. I used to feel overwhelmed at the idea, then guilty because I hadn't. Not I don;t bother with the guilt - like is too short. For guilt and thank you notes.

Now* sorry cold fingers from typing all day

I remember my mum making me do this too, and a lot of other things that were considered polite and absolutely necessary for normal life to function.

I think the difference now, is simply that far fewer families have SAHMs. When you're a working mum and usually taking on more than your fair share of wifework, some tasks just can't be prioritised.

I don't think kids are any less grateful really...they are either so young that are unaware (+/- a parent dishing out the gratitude for them) or old enough to send a text message.

When it comes to young kids not doing a thank you card/letter, and complaining about this, we are ultimately burdening women with more stuff to do. (No one brings this up with Dads).

I agree with the paper thing, if someone gets my daughter a gift I do tend to snap a quick picture of her wearing it/playing with it and send over to the person who sent it with a little thank you message (and we thank at the time too)

I think making kids write thank you notes is a bit rubbish to be honest.

Save the trees
this always comes to mind for me I don’t send them out because I think it’s a waste
ill send a text message or say it instead

@Swissmountains
It is basic good manners to thank someone sincerely for a gift

Thank them yes. I draw the line at thanking them sincerely! What if the present is shit?

I do agree that sending no thanks at all is incredibly rude. I would not be sending presents to people that gave no thanks at all.

For the children's party, I think a thank you for the unopened gift is fine.

I love a thank you but agree that it doesn't have to be in letter form. We say thank you in person, if possible, but if not a variation of messages, cards and videos are sent....sometimes individually and other times as a group/family.

I think it is really important to show appreciation to those who have gone to the effort to give you something.

It's not 1975

My parents and I very seldom get any sort of thanks for presents we buy for my nieces/their grandchildren (age 11 and 13), not even a quick text. I don't expect a handwritten letter, but a quick call or WhatsApp would be nice (they've had access to tablets/smart phones since they were about six). It infuriates me, I always send a thank you message, as that's how I was brought up, but my brother obviously conveniently forget that but if his upbringing. He doesn't thank my parents for presents either, so they've stopped giving him so much, but they don't like to with the children.

I always say thank you for gifts, if it’s for myself or the kids. A few years ago a distant relative got married. We sent money as they asked for the honeymoon. About 100 quid. Not even a text saying thank you. Card or letter. So rude.

We have a relative who I’ve not met (DH side) who is v generous to DD and we always send a note and a school pic for them. But we don’t see them in person to express thanks. I focus on good manners in person/phone call/face time. But wouldn’t send notes as standard.

You're being unreasonable to expect a thank you note in this day and age... but you're not unreasonable for expecting a thank you! That's just manners. We always send a message to thank people on behalf of the children (and us of course!), if we can't see them in person and thank them that way. It's incredibly rude not to.

I used to be sat over for hours, writing embarrassing letters, over absolutely unsuitable gifts.
The format was as follows:
Dear Auntie Bob,
Thank you so much for the absolutely beautiful'Girl Guides' tea towel. I have now used it 12 times to dry up some cups, and a potato masher.
It is lovely, and easily my favourite tea towel.
This Christmas Uncle Joe bought me a packet of dry roasted peanuts. They are nice.
Grandma got me a multipack of Wagon Wheels. It was nice.
On Christmas Day we went for a walk to a random place, and it was nice.
I hope you had a lovely Christmas.
Hopefully we will see you in June at cousin Jemima's wedding.
Lots of love,
NLN xxx

I honestly don't know who actually benefited from such absolute nonsense.
It definitely wasn't the recipient