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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my parents not to shout at my 4yr old?

212 replies

TooConflictedConfused · 03/01/2023 22:17

My DC (4years old) came back from the grandparents today and told me and my OH that they didn’t like going to my mum’s house. The reason being that when ‘they do wrong things their gran shouts at them’. Then we asked what wrong things they did they said they couldn’t remember, they only remembered the shouting and that they did wrong things all the time. And they also said that’s why they don’t miss their gran cause they get shouted at all the time by her.

Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week. My DC was meant to go to my parents again tomorrow but now I’m thinking of keeping them at home and taking a day off from work.

Any advice on how to approach this with my parents? AIBU to expect my parents not to shout?

My DC is only 4 and generally a super well-behaved kid and never has any complaints from school or after school nanny re behaviours.

My dad is a mild mannered person but generally leaves the childcare to my mum. For background my mum is a school of tough love parent and shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment. I hence was super triggered by the revelation and would love some objective advice on how to deal with the situation.

OP posts:
SarahAshley2 · 03/01/2023 22:18

I’d stop sending your child there. She shouted at you and is clearly doing the same to your poor son.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/01/2023 22:21

I’d just ask them what he was on about. I need context tbh/ also there’s shouting and there’s shouting. Do I sometimes shout at my 5year old- yep, it’s far from ideal parenting but I wouldn’t withdraw from my parents over it.

DuplicateUserName · 03/01/2023 22:21

I think I'd gently find out more first.

My DS used to say someone 'shouted' at him when he was just upset at being told off. I know this because he used to accuse me of doing it 😂

PortiasBiscuit · 03/01/2023 22:22

Er no, no one ever got to shout at my kids except me.. and four is very very young.

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 03/01/2023 22:22

It sounds like having your child is too much for your Mum
4 year olds are hard work , even well behaved ones
There’s a reason most people don’t have children at an age old enough to have adult children
They’re exhausting!

I would stop asking your parents to provide childcare.
It sounds like the arrangement isn’t working; for your child or your parents and there’s no way I’d be taking my child back there after that revelation as it would send the message that it’s ok for them to be shouted at etc
Hopefully their relationship can be rebuilt in time without the pressures of childcare.

FangedFrisbee · 03/01/2023 22:23

DuplicateUserName · 03/01/2023 22:21

I think I'd gently find out more first.

My DS used to say someone 'shouted' at him when he was just upset at being told off. I know this because he used to accuse me of doing it 😂

Totally agree.

See also shouting 'I don't know this person' when I removed them from an area for bad behaviour!!! Blush luckily he looks just like me!!

FangedFrisbee · 03/01/2023 22:24

Sounds like you're not happy anyway though so just pay for more childcare

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/01/2023 22:25

If it were me I’d keep him elsewhere tomorrow and I’d ask your mum. Tell her what he said and see what her response is. Depending on how she responded would determine what I do in the longer term.

I think I’d be more concerned given the parenting you said your mum did with you.

is your mum keen to have him or is it you instigating it? I wonder if she getting annoyed and frustrated and then snapping.

Puppers · 03/01/2023 22:25

I was going to say that it’s worth doing some digging to find out whether DD’s report is accurate (because I was accused by my DS of “shouting” today when in fact I sighed and quietly said “for goodness sake” - he clearly equated the feeling of me being disappointed/displeased with the feeling of being shouted at) but it sounds like you recognise this behaviour in your mum and can count on his report to be accurate.

I think you need to stop using your parents for childcare. Your mum isn’t going to change the habit of a lifetime because you have a word with her. Your DD has made a disclosure to you that she doesn’t feel safe in that environment and I think you need to show her that you take that seriously and demonstrate that she can trust and rely on you by not putting her in that environment again. That’s not to say you need to stop her from seeing your mum, but I would definitely stop the solo visits and childcare.

FurAndFeathers · 03/01/2023 22:26

DuplicateUserName · 03/01/2023 22:21

I think I'd gently find out more first.

My DS used to say someone 'shouted' at him when he was just upset at being told off. I know this because he used to accuse me of doing it 😂

But the OP has actually experienced an entire childhood of being shouted at and hit by her mum.

what are the chances she’s suddenly morphed into a non-shouty caregiver?

Motnight · 03/01/2023 22:27

Your mum shouted at you when you were a child so why are you surprised at this?

Once a, week is a big commitment. Agree with others saying that you need to find paid childcare.

Happycow · 03/01/2023 22:28

There is always a pinch of salt to what a 4-yr old says, but you have experienced first hand how you DM shouts at a child, so if you didnt like it then why on earth would it be ok to inflict it on your son?

Duttercup · 03/01/2023 22:29

I agree with other posters that the shouting may not have been shouting etc. but regardless, your DC clearly isn't happy there so that's kind of your answer, isn't it?

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 22:35

You were shouted at and hit by your mum, I think you know what she's like, and she's not going to change.

Stop subjecting your kids to this.

tiggergoesbounce · 03/01/2023 22:36

If you experienced corporal punishment at her hands and she is getting shouty as she did with you, i wouldn't have them look after the child.

I would tell her why she isnt having the child.

Do they ask to have DC as once a week is often and maybe they need a break.?

takealettermsjones · 03/01/2023 22:40

If your mum shouted at you and hit you while you were a child, I'm surprised that you're surprised by this. I also think once a week while you work is not occasionally being asked to help, it's regular childcare. Your child doesn't like going there. I'd find something else.

GreenManalishi · 03/01/2023 22:42

*shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment

unfortunately it's unlikely she's going to morph into supergran. No matter the volume of the shouting your child isn't happy there with her and is telling you for a reason.

Now is a good time to start listening and believing them, and find alternative childcare.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 03/01/2023 22:57

She shouted at and hit you and now history appears to be repeating itself with your child. Why would you allow this? I would seek an alternative and not allow your child to be unsupervised around your mother. I would tell your mother that she has frightened your child and that that is not acceptable. She needs to know and also you need to show your child that you are taking her feelings and fears seriously.

Original poster
TooConflictedConfused · 03/01/2023 23:07

Thanks all for the advice so far… just to clear up the misunderstanding it’s not a standing arrangement of childcare.

The grandparents want to see DC and so it’s AT MOST once a week for a few hours, after school etc. They request that DC come over to spend time with them.

We do have paid help and so can and often will not see them for weeks at a time.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 03/01/2023 23:31

TooConflictedConfused · 03/01/2023 23:07

Thanks all for the advice so far… just to clear up the misunderstanding it’s not a standing arrangement of childcare.

The grandparents want to see DC and so it’s AT MOST once a week for a few hours, after school etc. They request that DC come over to spend time with them.

We do have paid help and so can and often will not see them for weeks at a time.

But that completely contradicts: Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week. My DC was meant to go to my parents again tomorrow but now I’m thinking of keeping them at home and taking a day off from work.

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/01/2023 23:37

I don't see the big deal. There are certain scenarios that a warrant a child being told off.

DC is obviously not going to be forthcoming about misbehaving

RunLolaRun102 · 03/01/2023 23:37

What was he doing? I shouted at my DN when he tried to push his brother down the stairs - he told my DB but conveniently didn’t remember what he’d done to warrant the behaviour.

Original poster
TooConflictedConfused · 03/01/2023 23:44

Yes sorry I realised I phrased it all wrong. As in I meant they see DC once a week AT most on average.

So if it’s the school holidays my mum will ask to see DC cause she’s knows they are available. And ill agree and say ‘do you want to look after them on x day’.

This week they volunteered to have them for 2 afternoons - not the whole day. Today n tomorrow. Pre Christmas we probably didn’t see them for about 2-3 weeks.

Point is I don’t rely on them on childcare but say they want to do it. So I take DC over there to spend time with them.

I want my DC to have a relationship with their grandparents that’s why I let them visit there.

It’s first time DC has brought it up to me and I guess it thrown me a bit.

OP posts:
monsterpup · 03/01/2023 23:44

FurAndFeathers · 03/01/2023 22:26

But the OP has actually experienced an entire childhood of being shouted at and hit by her mum.

what are the chances she’s suddenly morphed into a non-shouty caregiver?

Show quote history

To be fair, my grandmother was a similar shouty, corporal punishment type parent and never treated myself or any other grandchildren the same way she treated her own children.

Not saying OP’s mum didn’t shout at the child (I think she probably did) but grandparents can definitely change their styles

GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 04:32

Believe your DC.

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