AIBU to expect my parents not to shout at my 4yr old?

[TooConflictedConfused]

My DC (4years old) came back from the grandparents today and told me and my OH that they didn’t like going to my mum’s house. The reason being that when ‘they do wrong things their gran shouts at them’. Then we asked what wrong things they did they said they couldn’t remember, they only remembered the shouting and that they did wrong things all the time. And they also said that’s why they don’t miss their gran cause they get shouted at all the time by her.

Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week. My DC was meant to go to my parents again tomorrow but now I’m thinking of keeping them at home and taking a day off from work.

Any advice on how to approach this with my parents? AIBU to expect my parents not to shout?

My DC is only 4 and generally a super well-behaved kid and never has any complaints from school or after school nanny re behaviours.

My dad is a mild mannered person but generally leaves the childcare to my mum. For background my mum is a school of tough love parent and shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment. I hence was super triggered by the revelation and would love some objective advice on how to deal with the situation.

But people are also seeing you come down on it every time, and not ignoring it, which really helps.

I wouldn’t worry about it, it most likely is just a phase.

I want my DC to have a relationship with their grandparents that’s why I let them visit there

Why?

You know what your mother is like. Why would you think she would change with your dc?

NC with my own mother who shouted and screamed at me every single day of my life. I realised I could no matter how hard I tried ever please her. She was a deeply disturbed woman.

I have never shouted at my children. Most people saw it as lax parenting but I thought they were just like me and wanted to run around and for that I would be shouted at for something I needed to do. I remember the pain of not being able to move around when I wanted and I didn’t want that for my children. (I used to join them running around the park or the garden)
Turns out we all have ADHD.

Even if I wasn’t NC with my mother there is no way would I leave my children with her ever.

But if the shouting is all that is remembered how can the child know what they have done wrong.

To my mind, once a week isn't "occasional childcare". That's frequent childcare.

I assume you're not paying your parents to mind your child? If so, it's a little bit beggars can't be choosers.

Personally I'd speak to your mum about it. "DD came home a bit upset and said you'd shouted at her? What happened/what did she do?" I wouldn't automatically take a 4yos word as gospel truth.

Maybe your mum just isn't young enough to cater to the demands of a 4yo any more? There's a reason having kids is a young persons game.

My mum used to shout at me as a child. As an adult I get triggered by arguing/shouting people which I think is related to this childhood trauma.

My kids hated going to their grandparents, especially my oldest who is ND. I stopped asking my parents to look after the kids as it just wasn't working.

Don't let your daughter be scared of her grandparents.

It’s unacceptable because it doesn’t address the root cause of the behaviour. Its intention is to silence the child into complying with our wishes, rather than teaching them how to properly behave.
Hence shouting parents will always be shouting parents because shouting and fear based parenting doesn’t work; it doesn’t teach anything

none of the softie softie approaches work either, mn loves to talk about the best route of parenting and teaching kids discipline but I've yet to see it outlined.

I would not send your child to them again and would tell them exactly why

that's quite rash and a sure way to cause a rift. There is such a tendency on mn to go in with all guns blazing in any situation involving kids reporting being shouted at.

It is ironic as those who say to do it are giving the advice to be gentle in your approach rather than shout and that people should talk things through rather than shout and yet the advice of automatically confronting the teacher, go to the headmaster, tell the parents no more unsupervised visits etc is exactly the same as shouting in that it's a rapid inflammatory response.

You can't automatically take the word of a child. They tend to exaggerate, misconstrue situations or omit key pieces of information in their favour when reporting back. By all means ask what happened but do it with tact and ease. Automatically just taking a child's word and going to war with the gps is just extreme and over escalating a situation.

Here are some great suggestions, none of which involve raising your voice.

www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/how-discipline-your-child-smart-and-healthy-way

You're welcome 😊

Are you close enough to speak to her about it and have a frank discussion.

My parenting style is vastly different to the one of my parents. My mum has occasionally said or done things I don't agree with and I've immediately told her straight I don't like it and politely but firmly asked her to not do it again as we don't parent that way.

I think it took some getting used to from her but she's respected our boundaries as parents and has made a few nice comments to say how patient we are and how she always felt she had to shout a lot but perhaps patience is a better way to go about things etc.

Hope that helps!

I can’t believe someone would seriously come onto a thread to support adults shouting at children.

I wouldn’t use your mum for childcare. Yes, children can sometimes call “shouting” when it’s just telling off, but from the way you describe your childhood it sounds like she’s behaving in the same way as she did toward you.

Id pay for childcare and visit your mum with your children so you can ensure there’s no shouting, whilst being in charge of behaviour yourself.

I'm really really surprised you would let your mum look after your child without a conversation about how she "disciplined" you as a child and that you did not want the same to happen to your child. And even more surprised that now your child is saying they are being shouted at you aren't immediately going to talk to your mum about it.

Thanks all for the advice. I’ve had a chat with my parents and DC since.

It seems that there were faults on both sides a) my child being a petulant git and not doing what they’re told (wash hands before dinner etc.) and b) my mother being shouty, impatient thinking she is talking to a 14 year old rather than 4 year old.

Going forward I’ve made it clear to my mother she needs to exercise more patience and not shout especially when there were no big wrongs. End of the day my kid is sensitive so shouting teaches them nothing. She should be a better role model but lacks self awareness and control. I think my dad gets it more and I want to give them a chance to be better.

My parents actually said they don’t see DC enough and they want solo time. But nevertheless I think we do need a reset so kept DC at home today. I’ll let them do a school pick up and quick trip to playground sometime next week. See how it goes from there but keep any exposure time short and less likely to result in escalation.

Have you actually spoken about being physically punished as a child and how you don't want this for your child? I'm a bit surprised you think your mum will somehow have learnt knew parenting skills.

End of the day my kid is sensitive so shouting teaches them nothing

or your kid doesn't like being disciplined, not getting her own way or anything that isn't the softie softie approach?

You sound uneducated.

You sound uneducated

can you not debate a topic without having to resort to insults? There was a poster upthread who said her friend's kid is now out of control as the mum was all ''we don't shout''. That's the problem here, parents have went too far the other way to be super soft with their kids and they lose control.

I never shouted at either of mine.

If they did something that was not good I would get down at their height and look them in the eye and talk to them about why it wasn’t a good thing to do and what to do in future to not get into that position or what they should have done.

I think a little less shouting and more parenting might help.

Also pick your battles. If you are shouting over a small thing, what do you do when something is a huge deal.

My mother would shout if I was 2minutes late home or 2hours late. (No idea how I was supposed to know the time I didn’t have a watch) There was no difference so if I had actually missed my opportunity to get home in time and I was enjoying my self I just wouldn’t go home. I reasoned the later I left it the less time she would shout at me before I went to bed. So if i arrived back at 6.30pm instead of 2 minutes past 2 it was 4.5 hours of shouting I wouldn’t have to listen to.

Your Mum sounds exactly like mine. She screamed and shouted (and hit) our entire childhoods but no one thought there was anything wrong with it back in the 80s.

She still shouts at me now and I’m 40! I had to walk away from her on Christmas Eve because of it and she told me I was being dramatic! She shouts at my DS even though I try not to, but he’s old enough now that it’s water off a duck’s back. She says I’m too soft on him but he’s a good kid. Sounds like your Mum doesn’t really like providing childcare…

Strange to hear some parents actually recommend shouting to discipline. I question what this teaches … ie making people do something through fear and that shouting gets someone what they want. Both rubbish life lessons to take into adulthood.

Shouting is very poor relationship destroying communication

Ironic that an adult who advocates shouting at children can't handle being called uneducated by a stranger on the internet.

There is a wealth of information and research about why shouting isn't an effective form of discipline, and the alternatives (spoiler: it's not all or nothing). A lot of it for free, including the UNICEF article I posted above, but you have clearly chosen not to read.

Instead you're repeating worn-out clichés and providing pointless anecdotes about 'softie softie' (sic) parents.

Sounds like a great start, OP. Well done

pillow56 · Yesterday 18:54
I would not send your child to them again and would tell them exactly why”

that's quite rash and a sure way to cause a rift. There is such a tendency on mn to go in with all guns blazing in any situation involving kids reporting being shouted at.

It is ironic as those who say to do it are giving the advice to be gentle in your approach rather than shout and that people should talk things through rather than shout and yet the advice of automatically confronting the teacher, go to the headmaster, tell the parents no more unsupervised visits etc is exactly the same as shouting in that it's a rapid inflammatory response.

You can't automatically take the word of a child. They tend to exaggerate, misconstrue situations or omit key pieces of information in their favour when reporting back. By all means ask what happened but do it with tact and ease. Automatically just taking a child's word and going to war with the gps is just extreme and over escalating a situation”

I disagree. We would not dream of shouting at our grandchild. It’s not our place to do so.

As a general rule, we believed our children and as far as we know they were not liars. They’re good, honest adults now.

anyone shouting at their grandchildren should not be given unsupervised access to them.

'Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week.'
I would say once a week is alot and a 4 year old is pretty exhausting. I would see if your Mum is enjoying it..