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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my parents not to shout at my 4yr old?

212 replies

TooConflictedConfused · 03/01/2023 22:17

My DC (4years old) came back from the grandparents today and told me and my OH that they didn’t like going to my mum’s house. The reason being that when ‘they do wrong things their gran shouts at them’. Then we asked what wrong things they did they said they couldn’t remember, they only remembered the shouting and that they did wrong things all the time. And they also said that’s why they don’t miss their gran cause they get shouted at all the time by her.

Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week. My DC was meant to go to my parents again tomorrow but now I’m thinking of keeping them at home and taking a day off from work.

Any advice on how to approach this with my parents? AIBU to expect my parents not to shout?

My DC is only 4 and generally a super well-behaved kid and never has any complaints from school or after school nanny re behaviours.

My dad is a mild mannered person but generally leaves the childcare to my mum. For background my mum is a school of tough love parent and shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment. I hence was super triggered by the revelation and would love some objective advice on how to deal with the situation.

OP posts:
Abigail69 · 05/01/2023 17:43

TBH I feel sorry for your dad

godmum56 · 05/01/2023 17:45

TooConflictedConfused · 03/01/2023 23:44

Yes sorry I realised I phrased it all wrong. As in I meant they see DC once a week AT most on average.

So if it’s the school holidays my mum will ask to see DC cause she’s knows they are available. And ill agree and say ‘do you want to look after them on x day’.

This week they volunteered to have them for 2 afternoons - not the whole day. Today n tomorrow. Pre Christmas we probably didn’t see them for about 2-3 weeks.

Point is I don’t rely on them on childcare but say they want to do it. So I take DC over there to spend time with them.

I want my DC to have a relationship with their grandparents that’s why I let them visit there.

It’s first time DC has brought it up to me and I guess it thrown me a bit.

Not sure why you allow it at all if your mother shouted at you and hit you?

Rosie22xx · 05/01/2023 17:59

She clearly hasn't changed since your childhood. There will be no words you can say to her for her behaviour to change. You either accept she is that way with your child or you do not send dc there unattended again.

HayleyGg8821 · 05/01/2023 18:02

Exactly this. Perfect response in my opinion, and exactly the same stance I would take! 👍🏻

NannaKaren · 05/01/2023 18:06

Ask you Mum and discuss it calmly with her !

Madamum18 · 05/01/2023 18:12

Going forward I’ve made it clear to my mother she needs to exercise more patience and not shout especially when there were no big wrongs. End of the day my kid is sensitive so shouting teaches them nothing. She should be a better role model but lacks self awareness and control. I think my dad gets it more and I want to give them a chance to be better

I think she needs to also think about alternatives to shouting. So your child didn't wash his hands when told to. Simple answer is "Ok, your choice, if you don't wash your hands you don't have tea!" Shouting is so totally unnecessary and she needs to understand that!

Also have you had any discussion regarding physical punishment is absolutely and completely not to happen with your son, however difficult he might be as perceived by your mother? If not, I think you need to!!

Jayne35 · 05/01/2023 18:16

Not sure why you allow it at all if your mother shouted at you and hit you?

My parents were totally different with me to how they are with grandchildren. It was a different age then and smacking was common. My Mum absolutely wouldn’t smack my daughter, though I was smacked occasionally.

Teaandsympathy · 05/01/2023 18:34

Going against the grain here but if my 4 year old DC didn't like spending time with someone they see regularly I would be concerned.
I agree I wouldn't take what they say as gospel but I would be concerned.

MsAngst · 05/01/2023 18:40

I had something very similar but with my Dad. My parents don't do regular childcare in the week so a bit different but my Dad was also from the tough love school. He has very fixed ideas about how a child should behave and gets cross quite quickly. To give context to how I dealt with it (apologies for the essay, I'm not good at concise) We had an incident one day we were visiting for the weekend (I was there too) and my son (who was about 8 yrs old at the time) got down from the table before he'd asked to get down. My Dad shouted at him and my son got upset and went to run off so my Dad grabbed his arm hard to pull him back which hurt my son and made him even more upset.
I stood my ground and told my Dad in no uncertain terms that his behaviour to my son was not acceptable and if he did that again he would not be around him again.
As this is my Dad's nature, I then got shouted at (at the age of 42) in a similar vein. I would normally have just conceded to being spoken to like that as its how I grew up but I was in tiger mum mode and didn't care if he perceived my behaviour as disrespectful and rude (in his eyes) I calmly reiterated that his behaviour was not acceptable and that we would leave. He didn't speak to me for a month but my Mum (the more placid one) talked him round. Whilst he does still get a bit shouty at my son it's not really that bad anymore and nothing like it was as he's realised that seeing his DGS is more valuable.
What I'm trying to get at is have a talk with your Mum and find out what went on, you may not get the truth though and if you catch her shouting at your son, take her to task on it calmly and rationally and be firm. She may not like it but I'm guessing she does love your DD and she doesn't know any better if you say she was like it with you. It may be she needs some home truths to make her sit back and realise. You say your Dad is calmer, could you have a talk with him and ask him to talk to your Mum about it?

CrazyLadie · 05/01/2023 18:45

DuplicateUserName · 03/01/2023 22:21

I think I'd gently find out more first.

My DS used to say someone 'shouted' at him when he was just upset at being told off. I know this because he used to accuse me of doing it 😂

My boy is the same, any sterness to my tone and I am shouting 🙈😆

CrazyLadie · 05/01/2023 18:46

FangedFrisbee · 03/01/2023 22:23

Totally agree.

See also shouting 'I don't know this person' when I removed them from an area for bad behaviour!!! Blush luckily he looks just like me!!

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣 bloody kids, sometimes ya just wanna throttle them 😅🤣🤣🤣

browneyes77 · 05/01/2023 18:47

Remaker · 04/01/2023 04:51

Shouting was my mother’s go to method of discipline with her own children. Also corporal punishment which was normal back then. She has provided childcare to 9 GC and never shouted at any of them, apart from the odd shriek if someone was about to jump off a roof or something. It is patently ridiculous to suggest that a GP is incapable of adapting their style when caring for GC. Caring for a child for a few hours is nothing like 24/7 responsibility for several kids.

I have watched my otherwise lovely and well behaved 4yo niece make up a complete bald faced lie in order to be cuddled and comforted by her mum and to get someone else in trouble. I’d gently try to get to the bottom of the ‘shouting’ with the aim of maintaining the relationship.

I quite agree!

pillow56 · 05/01/2023 18:48

Going against the grain here but if my 4 year old DC didn't like spending time with someone they see regularly I would be concerned

appears to be the prevalent thought so you aren't going against the grain

CrazyLadie · 05/01/2023 18:49

FurAndFeathers · 03/01/2023 22:26

But the OP has actually experienced an entire childhood of being shouted at and hit by her mum.

what are the chances she’s suddenly morphed into a non-shouty caregiver?

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It can happen but you need to set boundaries for them. I was spanked as a child and screamed at quite regularly but as Grandparents they are awesome, couldn't fault them but then I sat them down and told them what I would and would not tolerate for my child.

browneyes77 · 05/01/2023 18:54

Whotsit · 05/01/2023 04:30

Strange to hear some parents actually recommend shouting to discipline. I question what this teaches … ie making people do something through fear and that shouting gets someone what they want. Both rubbish life lessons to take into adulthood.

Show quote history

If a child goes to walk into a busy road, do you think a soft voice saying “now please don’t, come back please” is going to work as well as more stern, shouting voice that portrays and emphasises the danger?

Sometimes shouting is beneficial if it helps a child understand something is serious.

browneyes77 · 05/01/2023 18:57

See also shouting 'I don't know this person' when I removed them from an area for bad behaviour!!! Blush luckily he looks just like me!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

CrazyLadie · 05/01/2023 18:58

Greenfairydust · 04/01/2023 08:20

Most people seem to be ignoring the fact that the OP's mother thought it was OK to shout at her routinely and use ''corporal punishment'' with her...

None of that is OK.

This is not about an adult who had to shout because the child was doing something dangerous for example and had to be quickly stopped, it sounds instead like someone who believes this type of parenting (shouting and hitting) is acceptable.

I would be concerned that she has not changed and learned that you should not deal with children that way and will do the same thing to your child. I would stop using her as childcare.

I got all that as a kid too, it was the 80's majority did. But as grandparents I don't think they have ever so much as raised their voice nevermind lift their hand. It was different times when different things were classed as acceptable. I did have a conversation and give them boundaries just so we all knew where we stood and how I wanted to raise my child.

PUGMEISTER21 · 05/01/2023 19:14

Depends what you mean by shouting. My DD says I have shouted at her when I am just being firm and telling her off. Believe me she would know if I was shouting, I could have made a town crier with my lungs. So it it is not unreasonable for them to discipline her but aggressively shout/raise voice yes, unreasonable.

hiredandsqueak · 05/01/2023 19:14

I'd check whether the shouting is actually shouting or a stern voice because my dc used confuse my being stern with shouting. I do childcare for dgs and whilst I don't shout I will tell dgs off if he needs it. I generally tell dd if I've needed to tell him off but if dgs complains dd always reinforces that gangan would only tell him off for doing something he shouldn't so he shouldn't do it again. You can't really expect childcare and demand that the child isn't chastised if needed but equally your dm needs to know that shouting isn't acceptable either

AnnieSnap · 05/01/2023 19:14

@TooConflictedConfused reading your most recent post, it sounds like you are handling this really well. From what you say, your mother’s default is to shout. You insisting on a boundary on this is a good things and it seems she didn’t argue, so fingers crossed, it will be good going forward.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 05/01/2023 21:36

I made a lot of mistakes with my children, I don't make them with my grandchildren. I don't shout at them or hit them. The thought appalls me. It is possible to change. I can't say wether your Mum has, but tell her what your child has said and ask what happened. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, but you need to let her know that you don't want your child to be subjected to being shouted at.

Missingpop · 05/01/2023 21:41

You know how your mother was with you & this has niggled you enough to consider taking time off from work; so would you be happy for your mother to speak to & treat your Dc the same way she treated you?
Yes then take Dc back tomorrow
No take time off & make fresh arrangements
either way you do need to talk to your parents together; to explain your actions.
Jow she takes it will decide how you deal with future visits but protecting your child is the most important thing x

Dominoeffecter · 05/01/2023 21:42

PortiasBiscuit · 03/01/2023 22:22

Er no, no one ever got to shout at my kids except me.. and four is very very young.

😂😂

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 05/01/2023 21:59

I'd say to your mum 'did <insert your child's name> play you up when he was around here last week? He said he was told off.'

See what she says, if he was doing something silly maybe it was warranted 🤷‍♀️

T1Dmama · 05/01/2023 22:56

If your mother believes in ‘corporal punishment’ maybe it’s time to find a childminder or friend to help you out?! I wouldn’t send my child at any age into an abusive environment… by continuing to send her after she’s told you Gran scares her is condoning this behaviour and sending a message to child that you think this ok! Then she starts doing it at school or to siblings or at you, because you’ve condoned it.
Honestly isn’t worth the free childcare for the trauma it causes

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