AIBU to expect my parents not to shout at my 4yr old?

[TooConflictedConfused]

My DC (4years old) came back from the grandparents today and told me and my OH that they didn’t like going to my mum’s house. The reason being that when ‘they do wrong things their gran shouts at them’. Then we asked what wrong things they did they said they couldn’t remember, they only remembered the shouting and that they did wrong things all the time. And they also said that’s why they don’t miss their gran cause they get shouted at all the time by her.

Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week. My DC was meant to go to my parents again tomorrow but now I’m thinking of keeping them at home and taking a day off from work.

Any advice on how to approach this with my parents? AIBU to expect my parents not to shout?

My DC is only 4 and generally a super well-behaved kid and never has any complaints from school or after school nanny re behaviours.

My dad is a mild mannered person but generally leaves the childcare to my mum. For background my mum is a school of tough love parent and shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment. I hence was super triggered by the revelation and would love some objective advice on how to deal with the situation.

When you collected the child, did you ask your mum how the child behaved? Were any incidents mentioned?

Shouting if it stops a child doing something dangerous I'd understand, this seems more than this.

I've heard my dd saying stop shouting at me to her dad. I've actually heard all of it and he wasn't shouting at all but telling her off! She's 5. Maybe gran is doing too much telling off but also maybe sometimes raising her voice or shouting if he isn't listening.

You'll need to speak to your mum to find out what has been happening and what he's done to be told off or shouted at. Although u prob need different childcare if u know how she treated u growing up.

I was shouted at and hit by my mum she has never so much as raised her voice at my daughter in 14 years and she’s looked after her a lot.

She’s a shouty person. You knew that. She isn’t going to change and it’s unreasonable to expect her to. Stop sending the kids there alone. Problem solved.

@FangedFrisbee
Sorry but this did make me chuckle!

OP, I’ve read your updates. Of course you want your parents to have a relationship with your child and I can see it’s not about childcare. I think you need to have a non-confrontational chat with your DM and let her know what DC has said and see if you can work out together a way for her to handle any behaviours she finds challenging. Maybe next time DC sees your DM you should be there as well, then give her one more chance looking after DC. If he comes back again saying he’s unhappy then don’t make him go by himself again

I think this is an excellent time to tell the truth. Explain that your 4 year old has told you he is scared at being shouted at when they are at her house and no longer wants to attend. This might enable you to have a decent conversation that could make her reevaluate her parenting and grand- parenting.

I do shout at my children when necessary but never someone else's. I'm surprised that you willingly leave your son in her care knowing the way she was with you as a child, though. My children would not be left alone with someone who used 'corporal punishment' on their own child.

"my mum shouted a lot at me when I was little, so much so I still remember it and now she is doing the same to my child" no s**t sherlock, what did you expect? a miraculous transformation into super granny? sort out paid childcare and speak to your mum. have you ever told her how much her shouting when you were a child affected you, how you remember it really clearly? thats the conversation to have first and then to discuss her grandchildren.

Honestly, I think you need to get to a place where they are not looking after your child, it isn't a safe environment. How scary for a little child to be with a grandparent who shouts and carries on.

I know that you are probably thinking you can't stop them going there, but you actually can. You just need support to gain confidence in your decision making. You have been conditioned to think abuse is normal but it isn't and it will only hurt your child. Your child needs you to stand up for them.

Agree with this - my parents were the same with me and therefore not allowed unsupervised access to my children, as can't be trusted.

Why would you write such a rude post? What is it you gain from being so unpleasant to someone asking for support?

"To be fair, my grandmother was a similar shouty, corporal punishment type parent and never treated myself or any other grandchildren the same way she treated her own children"

Yes, I was totally spoilt by my dgm. My dm reports that she was different as a mother. Some people do mellow as they age.

How often do you have social visits to your parents or outings where you remain and they can enjoy time with the DC rather than be in loco parentis?

There's shouting and there's shouting. I shouted at my two year old grandson yesterday, as he pushed his one year old brother off the sofa, just as I got up to pick up a book he wanted us to read - luckily he landed on his bum. Grandson 1 then got a talk about his behaviour, and five minutes on the naughty step. If your mum is just shouting without the follow through, then it's no bueno, but you do need to establish if she's shouting for shouting's sake, as your son needs to learn the difference.

If you ask someone else to look after your children then they should be empowered to discipline them within normal boundaries which I would say shouting is

This

My son was like this, would tell me or his dad to stop shouting at him when he was being spoken to about his behaviour. We wouldn't be raising our voices and would be at his level. He just didn't like being in trouble.

Yeah, don’t leave your kid unsupervised with a woman who abused you as a child. How can you possibly trust she won’t attack your child? She was happy to hit you when you were vulnerable and dependent on her, doesn’t seem like an ideal babysitting candidate.

For background my mum is a school of tough love parent and shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment.

I hence was super triggered by the revelation and would love some objective advice on how to deal with the situation.

Well it's not a revelation really is it? You knew how your mother was with you, & now she's being the same with your daughter.

The most distressing thing is that DD has no recollection of WHAT she is meant to be doing wrong, only recollection of always BEING wrong, & being shouted at for it. DD has told you very clearly that she's unhappy at your mother's house without you. There's only one solution - no more unsupervised contact, & you'll have to find the money for paid care for the weekly child 'care' your mother has been doing.

"attack your child"

FFS, hyperbole much?

Bit on the fence with this. My daughter used to cry if you said her name sharply or told her not to do something.

She would say she got shouted at at pre school when what she meant was 'told not to do something '.

That said I cannot claim to be of the perfect Mumsnet 'I've never raised my voice ' variety (yet to meet these people in real life).

Only you know if your mum was a decent loving parent.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. This is exactly the advice I would give too xx

My 13 yo still claims I’m “shouting” at them when I’m actually just speaking sternly in an effort to get them to take me seriously (I think they do this to give themselves a potential opportunity to storm off/avoid what is a request for them to consider their behaviour). I think you should talk to your Mother about this first.

OP's mother shouted at her all the time & used corporal punishment.

If you don't think that's an attack on a child I'm not sure what to say to you. It's not a big leap to anticipate that the mother won't think twice about hitting her GDlike she used to hit her DD.