AIBU to expect my parents not to shout at my 4yr old?

[TooConflictedConfused]

My DC (4years old) came back from the grandparents today and told me and my OH that they didn’t like going to my mum’s house. The reason being that when ‘they do wrong things their gran shouts at them’. Then we asked what wrong things they did they said they couldn’t remember, they only remembered the shouting and that they did wrong things all the time. And they also said that’s why they don’t miss their gran cause they get shouted at all the time by her.

Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week. My DC was meant to go to my parents again tomorrow but now I’m thinking of keeping them at home and taking a day off from work.

Any advice on how to approach this with my parents? AIBU to expect my parents not to shout?

My DC is only 4 and generally a super well-behaved kid and never has any complaints from school or after school nanny re behaviours.

My dad is a mild mannered person but generally leaves the childcare to my mum. For background my mum is a school of tough love parent and shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment. I hence was super triggered by the revelation and would love some objective advice on how to deal with the situation.

THIS!!!

She's looking after him like she did you, that's how she parents. Not sure why you expected her to be different with your son?

You are only being unreasonable in expecting that she would treat your child differently than she treated you. I'd be trying to find other, reliable child care, and not leaving the child with your parents. And, if asked, tell her why, but DO tell her that they are welcome to visit when you can be there, as well. Too soon and too little to be slamming doors in the faces of family.

Speak to your mum and then speak again to DC.

My DC used to tell me that she was being told off and that’s why she didn’t like x, y, or z. The reality was that she was just being told what to do, for example in swimming the teacher would say “well done …., next time do x” and DC would perceive that as being told off. She’s now at school and does the same with the teacher when she is corrected. For this reason I wouldn’t always take what my DC say as gospel, but I would find out more.

Do you really think it’s necessary to set of a small child’s fight or flight response to raise a child with discipline and resilience?

Can’t say being scared of my parents did anything for me! I’ve been an anxious, undisciplined mess most of my life 😅

Have a calm chat with your mum. Don’t question her as such. Just say that DC says she sometimes shouts. And say that you know that was the way in her day but these days it’s not what we do and it’s not what DC are used to. So PLEASE try not to do it. Also maybe rather than DC be there for a few hours alone, make your next few visits with you there too, so that DC can enjoy Grandma’s company again,in a less stressed situation. Because it’d be a shame for there to be a rift between them.

Of course someone was going to mention walking into a busy road 🤦🏻‍♀️

A situation where a child's life is at risk is obviously not the same as dealing with normal infant behaviour, so unless DGM is laying out death traps for DGC then I see no excuse for her to be shouting to the extent where the child says he doesn't want to see/doesn't miss his own grandmother.

She either doesn't understand that shouting isn't an effective form of discipline or she has anger issues. I suspect a bit of both given OPs childhood experiences.

Because I was responding to another poster specifically, who was talking about shouting in general not teaching discipline but instilling fear.

The point I was making to that poster is that sometimes shouting is necessary.

"My parents actually said they don’t see DC enough and they want solo time. But nevertheless I think we do need a reset so kept DC at home today. I’ll let them do a school pick up and quick trip to playground sometime next week. See how it goes from there but keep any exposure time short and less likely to result in escalation."

Interesting. Their response to being told their style of grandparenting is not acceptable is to push for more access. And not just access, but solo access where you will not see their behaviour.

You might have talked to them, but they clearly aren't listening.

I grew up with an abusive mother. After my father passed, my sister allowed her 2 children to stay with our mother for the summer. When I went to see them, she was constantly screaming at them for something or other. It brought back some pretty bad memories from my childhood. I tried to tell her to stop, but it didn’t do any good. She yelled at my nephew for dancing down the hall. She told my niece to go put on a t-shirt to go to the pool. My niece put the t-shirt under her swimsuit. My mother called her stupid and screamed at her to go do it the right way. These kids were 7 and 9. They did not deserve to be treated like that.

I told my sister about it after the kids were back home. She wanted to know why I hadn’t said anything while they were there. I told her she must know since that’s how she treated us as children. They never were allowed to spend time alone with her again.

Only inadequate adults shout at young kids.