AIBU to expect my parents not to shout at my 4yr old?

[TooConflictedConfused]

My DC (4years old) came back from the grandparents today and told me and my OH that they didn’t like going to my mum’s house. The reason being that when ‘they do wrong things their gran shouts at them’. Then we asked what wrong things they did they said they couldn’t remember, they only remembered the shouting and that they did wrong things all the time. And they also said that’s why they don’t miss their gran cause they get shouted at all the time by her.

Occasionally I ask my parents to help with childcare but it’s no more than once a week. My DC was meant to go to my parents again tomorrow but now I’m thinking of keeping them at home and taking a day off from work.

Any advice on how to approach this with my parents? AIBU to expect my parents not to shout?

My DC is only 4 and generally a super well-behaved kid and never has any complaints from school or after school nanny re behaviours.

My dad is a mild mannered person but generally leaves the childcare to my mum. For background my mum is a school of tough love parent and shouted at me a lot whilst I was growing up and also used corporal punishment. I hence was super triggered by the revelation and would love some objective advice on how to deal with the situation.

Sometimes I wonder if people on this site are actually bothered about raising a child with discipline and resilience. They need to learn that actions have consequences. If they don’t like the feeling of being shouted at, then don’t be naughty/disobedient!

^ this is a four year old learning about the world through experimentation and about autonomy through disobedience. It is completely normal. There are lots of healthy ways to teach a child about boundaries and if you have any parenting skills you can discipline effectively without resorting to fear based rule. Presumably you don't shout at colleagues who make the wrong decision?

Chat to your DM. My DC used to say people had shouted and were shouting when they weren't. We came to the conclusion it was because people use a different tone of voice if saying something serious - our DC confused tone with volume.

There is a difference between making a wrong decision in error and being naughty/bad/careless etc and doing this repeatedly (as I’m sure the child did for the grandmother to raise their voice)

If people deliberately and repeatedly did things incorrectly at work (or through carelessness) then they would be spoken with sternly in raised voices and/or dismissed by their superiors!

@BritAbroad101 Shouting is fear based parenting. It is unacceptable and doesn’t address the issue.

Not even told off. My ds would accuse anyone of shouting for just telling him something he didn't want to hear

Why is it unacceptable?

Ring your mum and ask how dc behaved. If she says all was good then ask why dc says she shouted.
I'm predicting she'll then shout at you, or maybe apologise. That'll tell you how to proceed.

BritAbroad101

^ do some research into the neurological damage it does. You are very ignorant of decades of research here.

It’s unacceptable because it doesn’t address the root cause of the behaviour. Its intention is to silence the child into complying with our wishes, rather than teaching them how to properly behave.

Hence shouting parents will always be shouting parents because shouting and fear based parenting doesn’t work; it doesn’t teach anything.

It leads to mental health issues, power struggles, rebellion, and doesn’t allow the child to see why what they did was wrong and how they should behave in future and why. It doesn’t promote emotional intelligence or resilience and is very damaging.

It also doesn’t lead by example. You don’t want your kids to be shouty and aggressive towards you or others, but by shouting at them you are telling them that it’s okay to act like that. It isn’t.

Super

Better tell the army they are training their troops wrong or prison wardens they are not teaching prisoners to be law-abiding people correctly

Generational issue most likely.

When I was a kid shouting and smacking was normal mum behaviour from
both mine and other peoples mums.

Not how we do it now though so better have a word with her and explain it’s not OK now.

Prisoners and members of the army are adults.

You do realise the difference between an adult and a child, right?

Children are adults of the future

That said, it’s the quietest most passive mums that seem to have the loudest and hitty-est kids in my social circle…

My mother had the same disciplinary style as yours, OP, and it complicates our relationship to this day. But she is an exemplary DGM and her grandchildren adore her. I disagree with PPs who say the parenting style predicts the grandparenting style.

My concern is that your DC is saying they don’t want to go back to their gran’s. It could be that they were told off for being genuinely naughty and bad feelings were left unresolved - a small yellow flag. Or it could be more serious. You need to ask your mother. (I also don’t think it inherently meaningful that your DC says they can’t remember what happened.)

Why don't you just ask your mum what happened? Especially as your DS can't even remember the details.

I know she was shouty etc to you as a child but many parents are completely different as grandparents. Does she shout at him in front of you at all?

Just ask her. Surely?

You do realise the difference between an adult and a child, right

it's mn , the lines are very blurred here. There appears to be a consensus that when they are 15 they can do what they want, share beds with partners ,go on non adult holidays with friends, drink and stay out all night. The thinking appears to be that they will be able to do it at 18 so prepare them early.

This is only useful if OP's mother says something like "Oh, I did raise my voice slightly because I was worried she was getting too close to the cooker. I didn't think I'd shouted and it was only the once".

If she denies all knowledge (what my mother did) OP is left with who does she believe.

Have you actually spoken to your parents? I think rather than it carrying on in here - you need to just ask your mum or dad if there was any issues. If they say no or don’t bring it up - explain about the shouting.

I would just tell her to behave herself instead of doing 'wrong things'.

YABU to think it would have been any different with DGC. Some adults just love to bully children.

I wouldn’t send dd back until you’ve addressed it with your mum.

It would be good to know your mum’s reaction, is she mortified, defensive, belligerent, etc. it will tell you a lot.

I actually feel a bit sorry for grandparents who are used as childcare.

You want them to parent them (in your absence) but the kids are allowed to do as they like? I would absolutely expect my kids to be shouted at if they were misbehaving.

Find proper childcare and allow your parents to actually have your children for fun for a couple of hours here and there. But it takes a village and all that.