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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my money back off my parents????

144 replies

glaskham · 04/02/2008 11:16

right long story.... when i was 14 i was in a car accident, not my dads fault, but his car was written off and i was badly injured. I was awarded a pretty large sum (for a 14 year old) of just over £2k....my dad didn't get as much as he'd expected for his car and then decided i should give him £1000 of my compensation ....i was basically told if i didnt agree to it he'd let the cheque expire and i'd get nothing....and at 14 the cheque was left in my parents care....so we put it into an account and i got the sum minus what my dad took....now i can understand them 'borrowing it' if they couldn't afford to buy a new car at the time, but i have since had 2 kids, my own wedding (for which i paid for everything myself)....and we've not heard a thing about the money...it was only recently i remembered dad had taken this money off me...and now they are in a very good position, have a second home in scotland, have at least £10k stashed away in ICAs and plenty of money in the bank....i know thye have paid off their own mortgage and have bought the house in scotland outright- so there is no way they cant afford to give me the money back now....

I spoke to my mum last night about it, and she said she'd speak to dad.....i dont think he's going to give it back to me....his reasoning at the time was his insirance was paid by him, so he should be owed it....'without his unsurance i'd never have gotten the payout'....but it was the other guys insurance company that would have paid, and my dad would've been paid if he'd been in the accident or not so that doesn't work right!!....how do i go about talking to my dad?....he's a very scary bloke- and when it comes to money mum is always the one i talk to.....i dont know how to broach the subject, but i want my money back!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
glaskham · 04/02/2008 16:52

i didn't reveal about the way my dad was with me to justify my point, but to show how hard it would be to go to my own dad and ask for the money back....no matter how much i needed it....

thankyou to those of you who have given good support and advice- i really do appreciate all the advice.....at this very moment in time the money they took all them years ago could help me get out of this situation i'm in, and it wouldn't make a dent on my parents money....so i'm not wanting it to spite my parents or anything. rather than borrowing money off them to have to pay every single penny back all the time, almost timed to the house to give them their 'instalments' when they happily took all that money off me....i just cant justify it when i'm so broke IYSWIM?....they knowingly go out spending on this that and the other and brag about it when they know we are scraping by to get to the end of each month!!

OP posts:
Troutpout · 04/02/2008 16:52
Troutpout · 04/02/2008 16:54

No one is denying that it is mean to beat a child
The beating bit came into it much later

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 17:10

So, going back to what you originally asked Glaskham - yes you probably did have a right to the money, it was yours anyway but the point is moot as it has gone, the issue is whether you can ask for it back, so think about;

whether you would still have it now for those things, had it been there when you were 18 as I bet you'd have spent it (I would have done)

whether it is worth the fallout that this is going to cause - I would say not.

Really, really look at why your gas bills are so high - our central heating is on permanently (except about 6hours overnight), cooker is gas and our bill is £56 a month for a big 4 bedroomed house. Might be worth looking at the compare sites.

Original poster
glaskham · 04/02/2008 17:12

well have just spoken to my mum, dad was there and she didn't seem willing to talk to him first so he can understand why i want the money before i phone to talk to him later.....so i just said i'd phone this evening.....gives me time to pluck up the courage....at least if i talk to him by phone first he cant hit me!haha!!

OP posts:
Wisteria · 04/02/2008 17:24

good luck - you are a braver person than me. I wouldn't have dared......

Chequers · 04/02/2008 18:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster
glaskham · 04/02/2008 18:33

well i haven't yet plucked up the courage to phone and speak to my dad.....i think because my mum was so blunt makes me even more nervous.....i WILL phone him soon....i just think i need to keep a level head....i hope my mum has mentioned it, as if not it will just hit him in the face!!....

OP posts:
Wisteria · 04/02/2008 18:37

Maybe the best approach is to tell him of your financial predicament first before the 'you know the £1000 you took from me when I was 14' stance.

'Dad - we're really struggling to make ends meet at present and I was wondering whether you would consider helping us out'

'I feel very strongly that I should have received my compensation money but understand that you needed it at the time and now you are more financially solvent could you see your way to giving it back to me'?

Original poster
glaskham · 04/02/2008 18:43

thats kinda the route i wanted to go down....but it would still be hard......i'm trying to watch hollyoaks while come up with a good plan....then i think i'll phone at 7ish.....just put the kids to bed so its nice and quiet, cleaned and tidies the living room after their afternoons antics and trying to make myself feel more secure about phoning him....its not working though....i'm giving myself a headache from clenching my jaw so much!!! ARGH!!!

OP posts:
Wisteria · 04/02/2008 18:51

I can't even imagine asking my Dad something like that - our Mum left me and my brothers some money when she died and it was to be left with him retaining a 'life interest' in it so he said it would be 'easier' if he had control over it.

None of us had the balls to say no to him even though we are 35, 33 and 27 .....

You have my support and I hope that you don't burn any bridges over it

Jackstini · 04/02/2008 19:28

Good luck with the phone call Glaskham.
I feel it is something you need to broach, regardless of the outcome, just so it is not eating you up inside any more.
If he says yes, fantastic and you can be grateful. If he says no, point blank, at least you know you have tried and he is in the wrong.
Either way, once it has been decided never mention it again and just try and get along as best you can in future.

Original poster
glaskham · 04/02/2008 19:33

OK so i just phoned and spoke to my dad....mum had mentioned it to him so he knew a little why i was phoning....anyway, he did try a little to back his corner....but when i said that if i'd not been in the car then he'd have got no more for his written off car, so why should i be penalised.....well he was much better than i expected, he listend, he talked civily to me, no raised voices....said he'll talk to my mum and see what they can do for me....i explained to him that this money would be the best thing for me at this moment in time, could sort me out and give me savings, which me and DH haven't had any savings since our wedding and the kids....

i'm still shaking, have had a cry as thats probably the most civil i've ever spoken to my dad....and i dont think he's at all mad that i've asked for the money back!!

OP posts:
Chequers · 04/02/2008 19:35

Message withdrawn

Jackstini · 04/02/2008 19:41

V proud of you Glaskham. Hopefully sounds like you will get some financial benefit out of it but also I think you have got major benefits from that phonecall wrt your relationship with your Dad and your self confidence

Original poster
glaskham · 04/02/2008 19:43

yes....even if they only write off what i owe them its financially helped me, and i've learnt that my dad has changed since i was a kid....and that he respects me as an adult....he does understand how hard it is to work hard to be a parent, and maybe he will realise that by asking for this money back i am trying to be a good parent to my own children.

OP posts:
noughty · 04/02/2008 19:44

Yes, sounds like a very important moment for you! Well done.

hunkermunker · 04/02/2008 19:56

Well done, Glaskham!

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 04/02/2008 20:39

Well done, apologies for being a bit harsh earlier, but in fairness you had not posted all the facts at the time.

But again jolly well done to you.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/02/2008 20:42

Well done glaskham.

OrmIrian · 04/02/2008 20:59

Well done! Sounds like a huge step forward.

clam · 04/02/2008 21:05

Flibbertyjibbet???? Where are you??
Well done, Glaskham, by the way. Scary-sounding dad appears to have mellowed. Sounds like your mum was a star, too.

pixiella · 04/02/2008 21:14

Well done !

pukkapatch · 04/02/2008 21:19

jesus christ.
what next? parents asking kids for the cost of their nappies back?
sorry, but i think you are being incredibly unreasonable here. your parents current financial situation has no bearing whatsoever on that money. and quite frankly, i dont htink it was #yours' as such anyways.
by all means insist your parents help you out financially now, if they can, but to ask for that money?
very very sad.

lovecat · 04/02/2008 21:20

Well done - just read through the entire thread (phew!) and am staggered by at some of the nasty comments on it, especially from some who've complained of being picked on in AIBU before now .

Glad there's a happy ending!