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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my money back off my parents????

144 replies

glaskham · 04/02/2008 11:16

right long story.... when i was 14 i was in a car accident, not my dads fault, but his car was written off and i was badly injured. I was awarded a pretty large sum (for a 14 year old) of just over £2k....my dad didn't get as much as he'd expected for his car and then decided i should give him £1000 of my compensation ....i was basically told if i didnt agree to it he'd let the cheque expire and i'd get nothing....and at 14 the cheque was left in my parents care....so we put it into an account and i got the sum minus what my dad took....now i can understand them 'borrowing it' if they couldn't afford to buy a new car at the time, but i have since had 2 kids, my own wedding (for which i paid for everything myself)....and we've not heard a thing about the money...it was only recently i remembered dad had taken this money off me...and now they are in a very good position, have a second home in scotland, have at least £10k stashed away in ICAs and plenty of money in the bank....i know thye have paid off their own mortgage and have bought the house in scotland outright- so there is no way they cant afford to give me the money back now....

I spoke to my mum last night about it, and she said she'd speak to dad.....i dont think he's going to give it back to me....his reasoning at the time was his insirance was paid by him, so he should be owed it....'without his unsurance i'd never have gotten the payout'....but it was the other guys insurance company that would have paid, and my dad would've been paid if he'd been in the accident or not so that doesn't work right!!....how do i go about talking to my dad?....he's a very scary bloke- and when it comes to money mum is always the one i talk to.....i dont know how to broach the subject, but i want my money back!!!

OP posts:

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 11:18

I wouldn't bother glaskham - having a scary unapproachable Dad myself.

It was a long time ago and they probably needed the money at the time. If you desperately need the money now then ask but think what the fallout will be first and ask yourself if it's worth it.

HalleBerrysBikini · 04/02/2008 11:22

Oooh, tricky one, I'm not sure.

As you say, it's your money and from what you've said you're entitled to it.

I just wonder, though, what kind of a can or worms you might end up opening here. Would your Dad be the type to respond with a demand for the 18 years bed and board you received when you were growing up?

I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable to expect the money to have been kept for you in the future. But I wonder if £1,000 is worth creating a big family rift over her (I do acknowledge £1,000 is a lot of money).

binkleandflip · 04/02/2008 11:22

that is very off indeed. However, water under the bridge now I suppose although I can totally understand if you feel extremely resentful about it. Have your parents helped you out financially? If so I can imagine they would say it levels out but still doesnt seem right to basically take half the money off you. It should have been put in trust.

HonoriaGlossop · 04/02/2008 11:23

I agree it's pointless. I think most parents would be revolted at the idea of taking money from their child and basically, if he's capable of doing it I don't think he's the sort of person who will feel duty bound to pay it back

I'm sorry that's how he is

loopylou6 · 04/02/2008 11:23

This is a tough one, i have had a similar experiance to you, when i was 12 i was involved in a road traffic accident on my bike, i was awarded 4000 in compensation to be recieved when iw as 18, thing is when i got my money my mum and dad took 1000 of that because theyr eckon they ahd to take me to different soliciters and plastic surgeons etc etc so they felt it was fair to take 25% of my money, by the time i was 18 i had my son and i really DIDNT think it was fair, but i handed it over anyway. To be honest i would never dare bring that up or ask for it back. Also i notice your dad never said he wanted to borrow the money he just said he wanted it period, so i think he may have you over a barrel for that, i dont think YABU, but i do think you might cause a hell of a lot of trouble if you pursue this.

HalleBerrysBikini · 04/02/2008 11:25

I can potentially see him coming up with the argument that he couldn't have afforded a new car without the money from you, and that you benefited from said car etc etc etc

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 11:26

he would never demand the 18 years bed and board...and i moved out just after my 16th birthday, and i paid half my paper round money to them from the age of 13- i know it was only £2 a week....but at 13 i was paying it no questions asked!! the money is badly needed at them mo too....and i cant afford to save it!! i dont have a spare penny at the moment....and owe my mum and dad £200 still for my MOT in december....i originally owed £300 but gave them £100 back already....i was going to say to them take the £200 off the £1000 and call it £800....i know my mum is on my side, and she'd probably go behind my dads back to get it for me.....

OP posts:

dippydeedoo · 04/02/2008 11:26

you yourself have only just remembered maybe your dad will tell your mum to give it you....maybe (probably ) he wont in which case youre gonna have to let it go...if he says no maybe you could write him a note saying how you feel?

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 11:26

What did they have to do for you as a result of your injuries glask?

Trips to hospital would have cost, as would time off work to look after you etc. Compensation is to recompense for what has happened to you and help you pay for associated costs.

Do you actually suffer today as a result of your injuries?

Blu · 04/02/2008 11:30

glaskham - sympathies. I can completely understand why you feel 'done over' - I would too.

They probably see it from a completely differnt perspective, and may indeed, at the time, have been struggling.

Sadly, I think that if you do broach it it will all escalate into a 'we gave you everything, you are a grasping ingrate' etc etc...because clearly they are not sensitive in this way.

Can you acknowledge that they have not been as generous and supportive as they might be, but stand back and let them get on with it.

After all, your next chance is your inheritance, and if they look on their own dd as a source of money, take the longer view and look on them in the same way

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 11:32

i had very bad abdominal injuries, and because of the way the accident happened it left me with traumatic nightmares for years, still happen sometimes now, and i cant go near the place it happened...last time i went near there i passed out with fear....and thats 8 years on!!! mum was a stay at home parent anyway so they didn't loose wages and i only had a couple of trips to the hospital, initial one, and a check the rest was done at our local GP and physio that were walking distance....

OP posts:

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 11:35

i know mum didn't fully understand why dad took the money, she said this yesterday, so i know i have my mum on my side.

OP posts:

pixiella · 04/02/2008 11:52

good luck with trying to get the money glaskham - i think if you really need the money then your parents should definately give it back to you especially as they are in a good financial position now.

and you paid for your own wedding! your dad's supposed to do that....guilt trip-ahoy!

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 11:53

I think I'd feel sore about it too Glask.....

Only you know how your Dad will react though, so maybe leave it to your Mum and see what transpires - make a decision on what to do after she's had a go. She might help you out without telling him if that's feasible for her.

If they are now very well off, might you risk losing a better financial settlement further down the line?

We recently had an issue over Mum's will and money Dad told us to transfer back to him - we didn't want to but felt we had no choice due to him being so difficult, we won't know whether we did the right thing for a fair few years yet I would imagine but it wasn't worth the animosity of saying no IMO.....

lennygrrl · 04/02/2008 11:57

Message withdrawn

noughty · 04/02/2008 11:58

If your Mum could sneak the money out to you then that sounds like the best option as your Dad sounds scary and unreasonable. Figure out a plan with your Mum to sneak it out to you without him noticing. Maybe she could pay a bit at a time so he wouldn't notice. It's great that she's on your side as I think it's awful to have taken your money off you in the first place. You sound like you derserved more than that anyway! Hey, come to think of it, any chance to appeal against that award and go for more?! Just a thought. It sounds very serious injuries you got including emotional ones that are still going on. And it could be argued that at 14 you did not have the facilities to fight your corner for more compensation at the time, so one of those No Win, No Fee lawyers might be able to put the case for you to appeal. Anyway i'm rambling, I don't know .
But getting it back from your parents via your Mum sounds the safest option. They sound like they can well afford it.

loopylou6 · 04/02/2008 12:01

but the thing is, would you cause ALOT of trouble for your mum if she got caught sneaqking money to you, TBH, if your going to do it, i would come right out with it to your dad

crokky · 04/02/2008 12:18

YANBU to want the money back, but I think it is not a great idea to try and get it.

You might get your mum into trouble with your dad and if your dad was happy to take it outright in the first place (ie not a loan) then I don't think he would give it back and he might get really angry/nasty about it.

The fact that he paid the insurance is irrelevant - the money was awarded to you so it is yours.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 04/02/2008 12:21

It was your money for your injuries and your father was completely in the wrong to take it.

Asking for bed and board for 18 years is a ridiculous idea. Once you are working and still living at home it is fine to give some contribution but not as a 13 year old.

I would ask for the money back saying you need it and I wouldn't lend them any money again in the future.

chocchipcookie · 04/02/2008 12:33

I'm sorry but the blunt fact is he stole it.

Legally it was and is yours, G. It was awarded to you not to him. I am outraged on your behalf.

It should have been put in a bank acccount in your name to earn interest and given to you when you were eighteen.

I would ask your mother to get it for you. If you don't I think it will always fester.

Clearly he has money 'issues'. Who gets their 13 year old to pay half their paper round money. Scary. Sounds like he values money more than fairness.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 04/02/2008 12:36

The dad may argue he was trying to teach her the value of money...

chocchipcookie · 04/02/2008 12:38

Yes! So next time someone robs a bank they can say 'Your Honour. I needed the money to repair my car and I was trying to teach the cashier the value of money. Please can I go now.'

I am so cross about this! It's just immoral. Just because you 'need money' doesn't mean you can take it from your kid and not even repay it.

Psychomum5 · 04/02/2008 12:47

YANBU.....

I had a car accident nealry 2yrs ago with my DD2 in the car.....she sustained knee injuries and suffered nightmares and received compensation. we had to go to court for it (as she was/is a minor and legally this is how they do the comp for minors apparently), and it has been put into a court appointed trust fund that will pay out when she is 18, and only on proof that it is her (ie, birth cert and passport and proof of bank account of where it will be paid into!).

we even asked for her to have some money released as she is severly dyslexic and she wanted a laptop to help (and so we could download programmes for her), and the court refused as they said that as her parents that was our job to pay, not a car accident!!!!

grandparents stepped up the money for that in the end, as we simply could not afford it what with at that point not even being able to sort a main PC out for us as the main PC had broken beyond repair, and we have 4 other DC's who would rightly wonder where theirs was!

Anyway, I digress.........the money was YOUR compensation, NOT his, and if he felt they needed some to help with your care, then they should also have been entitled to their own, as we have regarding DD2.

Maybe it was reasons such as this that makes it now like it is for my DD.......

dal21 · 04/02/2008 12:51

Can i ask. Do you parents buy your kids anything? Or buy you anything? I guess what I am asking is whether the money is coming back/ has come back to you over the years...

I do think £1k is a lot of money, but i think you will be opening a can of worms if you broach this....

I understand you feel angry, but can you honestly say that you will be happy if you get this money back but your relationship is much harder as a result of it?

Troutpout · 04/02/2008 13:00

gonna go against the tide here..but i think yabu

I'm thinking perhaps they needed the money for the car and were struggling for money at the time. You benefitted from the car at the time.
Plus..to make it awkward between your mum by putting her in a position is best avoided.
Plus they kinda help you when you can...so i'm thinking call it quits tbh

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