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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my money back off my parents????

144 replies

glaskham · 04/02/2008 11:16

right long story.... when i was 14 i was in a car accident, not my dads fault, but his car was written off and i was badly injured. I was awarded a pretty large sum (for a 14 year old) of just over £2k....my dad didn't get as much as he'd expected for his car and then decided i should give him £1000 of my compensation ....i was basically told if i didnt agree to it he'd let the cheque expire and i'd get nothing....and at 14 the cheque was left in my parents care....so we put it into an account and i got the sum minus what my dad took....now i can understand them 'borrowing it' if they couldn't afford to buy a new car at the time, but i have since had 2 kids, my own wedding (for which i paid for everything myself)....and we've not heard a thing about the money...it was only recently i remembered dad had taken this money off me...and now they are in a very good position, have a second home in scotland, have at least £10k stashed away in ICAs and plenty of money in the bank....i know thye have paid off their own mortgage and have bought the house in scotland outright- so there is no way they cant afford to give me the money back now....

I spoke to my mum last night about it, and she said she'd speak to dad.....i dont think he's going to give it back to me....his reasoning at the time was his insirance was paid by him, so he should be owed it....'without his unsurance i'd never have gotten the payout'....but it was the other guys insurance company that would have paid, and my dad would've been paid if he'd been in the accident or not so that doesn't work right!!....how do i go about talking to my dad?....he's a very scary bloke- and when it comes to money mum is always the one i talk to.....i dont know how to broach the subject, but i want my money back!!!

OP posts:
Bellavita · 04/02/2008 13:01

What if you had not been in the car? Where would he have got the money from then?

AuntyThesis · 04/02/2008 13:06

jesus christ - do your parents really mean that little to you>?

you are financially solvent. what is youproblem with snatching your rattle back?

i might understand it if you were skint. although not necessarilily agree.

i miht understand it has it not been a relative but a friend.

but this is your mum and dad - presumably hey have done an ok job as parents becuase you are still speaking to them

if they are shit pareents then dont have anythi to do with them

so as they are ok parents - you want to fuck that up, upset them by dragging this up ,.....for 2k?

if i was your dad i would get a loan on my house or take out of my etirement fund and come over there and shove it up your arse.

love custy

NKF · 04/02/2008 13:08

Why have you suddenly remembered it? To my mind, it sounds as if something else is going on between you and your parents.

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 13:10

PMSL - custy hits nail on proverbial as usual

Troutpout · 04/02/2008 13:16

pmsl...i really wanted to say what custy said

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 04/02/2008 13:18

Wot Custy said.....

meemar · 04/02/2008 13:23

Can sort of see custy's point (about the OP being financially solvent), but don't agree that just because they are 'ok parents' it entitles them to take half the compensation money awarded to their daughter for injuries in a car crash.

I think the father sounds utterly unreasonable and a bit pig-headed (sorry glaksham).

And they are now very well off so can afford to pay it back!

GooseyLoosey · 04/02/2008 13:25

I think custy is being too hard. The OP has said that she has little money and indeed owes her parents some. In this context, I don't think it is unreasonable to contemplate money that they might owe her. That said, the most I think I would do, in the interests of family harmony, is deduct the £200 the OP owes parents from the £1000 they owe her.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/02/2008 13:31

If you need some money, can you not ask to borrow it - the same way that you did for your MOT?

I'd not ask for the money back, personally. But then my relationship with my parents has been one of give and take when necessary and no-one has kept score.

pixiella · 04/02/2008 13:33

i think custy is being unreasonable!

if you had read the thread the OP already said:

  • she IS skint
  • she moved out of home when she was 16 - not exactly sponging off your parents is it.
  • her parents are mortgage free and have a second home in scotland, if she really needs £1000 which was hers anyway from compensation (but her parents used not for counselling for her to help her through the trauma of the accident but for a new car) then why shouldn't they be able to give this money back to her?
  • she payed for her own wedding (which traditionally is paid for by the father of the bride) which shows again that she hasn't relied on her parents for much financial support in the past.
  • she said her dad didn't get quite as much money for the car from the insurance company as he'd have liked and that's why he took £1000 of the £2000 she was awarded as compensation - because he didn't get quite as much money as he'd have liked....so say he got £600 for his car, he could have bought a car to use to get around with that money but he chose to take £1000 of his daughters compensation money (which he could have put in a trust fund for her, or used on counselling sessions) and combine it with the money he already got for the car and buy a 'nice' car or whatever cos maybe he didn't want to be seen driving round in a ford fiesta or a metro !

lol - i don't know! i just think custy is being way too harsh on the OP.

Flibbertyjibbet · 04/02/2008 13:37

If they took half of your money when you had a paper round - sounds like your parents felt entitled to a share of any money that you came by, so I don't think you will have much chance of getting the £1000 back sorry.

Il's are well off, had large 4 bed house in v good area. When DP was made redundant (while still living at home before we met), they borrowed that off him for their new windows! He felt obliged to give it to them as he didn't want to move out. Never saw a penny of it back and when he did ask for it he was told that his mum had 'reduced his board'. That was a family with loads of money. The issue of it does really annoy me but there is nothing we can do now.
Your dad may have felt entitled to some of the money to replace the family car. Did you have lifts in it/learn to drive in it etc? In which case you did get some benefit from 'your' money.
Ask yourself honestly, if you had received ALL of the money, would you still actually have that extra £1000 in your possession? Did you spend the other £1000 in which case you would probably have spent £2000 had you had it.
Would you really really now be in possession of that extra £1000 now, if your dad hadn't taken a share? If not then you are no worse off now than if you had received all the money and spent it.
So no point getting worked up about it imo and causing a family ruck.

MotherFunk · 04/02/2008 13:41

Message withdrawn

Bellavita · 04/02/2008 13:43

Flibberty - but surely a child is entitled to have lifts in a family car - she was only 14.

MotherFunk · 04/02/2008 13:47

Message withdrawn

duchesse · 04/02/2008 13:52

I second Wisteria- if it's going to stir up more trouble than it'll solve, or put your mum in a difficult position, then I'd draw a line under the cash. I know you could probably really do with the cash, ad from what you say, I perceive that you felt it very unfair at the time that he should keep it in that way- I mean if he has just said that he needed the money to buy a new car and asked if he could borrow it, and would pay it back when he could, you probably would have given him it at the time. I think the clash of your emerging independence and his underlining that in fact you belonged to him in his eyes that you're finding it hard to deal with still now. I am so there with you, but I honestly don't think there's much to be gained for you in raking over all this again.

We do not, alas, choose our parents (although I've recently found some rather spiffing surrogate ones, but that's another matter...)

binkleandflip · 04/02/2008 13:57

erm, by having children you kind of take on the responsibility of financially providing for them surely? Just because they get compensation doesnt mean they owe it to the parents, that's a crazy argument IMHO.

If the child was 16 and won money on the lottery - different argument but this is compensation for one individual's injury - it isnt up for grabs for the family. I think it is rather unpleasant that her dad insisted she gave him half or he wouldnt cash it at all - how spiteful can you get?

I dont think she is being unreasonable but I think it would be ill-advised to ask for the money now.

duchesse · 04/02/2008 13:58

I think I may understand your family dynamics better than some here. An abusive family background (even if it "only" involves routine verbal abuse or disempowerment) doesn't just affect your childhood but your entire adult life as well. I really feel for you, Glaskham, but I really would let it go.

binkleandflip · 04/02/2008 14:00

and of course a child is entitled to lifts in a FAMILY car - otherwise it wouldnt be a family car

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 14:01

I had to use some money my dd2 won on premium bonds when she was little, not all of it but £250ish out of the grand she won if I remember - it was for an essential...at the time and we were brassig as I had given up work to look after them at home.

I haven't paid it back as such but I don't think she begrudges it me......after all I now go without plenty of things to pay for things that they 'want' not need.

Am feeling rather guilty about it now though

OrmIrian · 04/02/2008 14:05

Sorry but I'd leave it. It's going to cause so much conflict. Not worth it.

MotherFunk · 04/02/2008 14:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster
glaskham · 04/02/2008 14:11

i am skint!! down to the bare bones!! so much that at xmas we had to swallow our pride and take money off DH's parents and grandparents to afford a good xmas for our kids!!! and we still only just afforded a nice xmas lunch!! the rest of january we were skint- having the heating on for only a few hours as we couldn't afford to pay for more gas!!!

i was just talking to a friend the other day about when i was in a car accident as she had a small accident then i remembered about the money, and honestly couldn't remember the full reasons why my dad took it!! i was almost blackmailed into giving it to him as he said he'd keep the cheque and i'd then get nothing if i didn't agree!!

my mum was ok when i was growing up, but my dad beat me from about 13 to 16 (hence why i moved out when i could) and my mum knew and choose him over me every time he threatened to leave her because of it!!!

so i am not ungrateful, and i now have 2 children of my own and i would never expect a penny back from them for their clothes and the food we feed them!! even though i am scraping the barrel to look after them now!! with the £1000 they took from me i could pay back what i owe them and sort myself out with a small savings account just in case we needed anything badly again (like the MOT in dec as to why i had to borrow money)

so take your comments custy and troutpout and stick them where the sun doesn't shine!!

i only speak to my parents to keep things civil for my own children and my 2 younger sisters, but to be honest my relationship with my parents isn't all that good at all....i'd rather get myself sorted financially than have this hanging over me that they took MY money unfairly!!!!

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 04/02/2008 14:11

I think custy has been overly harsh too, and YANBU. Morally of course you should have the money - but practically I think best to write it off and try and forget about it.

OrmIrian · 04/02/2008 14:14

Yes I agree totalchaos. There is a moral argument and a practical one.

However it does sound as if you feel you'd have nothing to lose glaskham.

Bellavita · 04/02/2008 14:15

Her Dad should have been glad that his daughter was awarded the money - this would set her up for when she was starting out on her own.

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