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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my money back off my parents????

144 replies

glaskham · 04/02/2008 11:16

right long story.... when i was 14 i was in a car accident, not my dads fault, but his car was written off and i was badly injured. I was awarded a pretty large sum (for a 14 year old) of just over £2k....my dad didn't get as much as he'd expected for his car and then decided i should give him £1000 of my compensation ....i was basically told if i didnt agree to it he'd let the cheque expire and i'd get nothing....and at 14 the cheque was left in my parents care....so we put it into an account and i got the sum minus what my dad took....now i can understand them 'borrowing it' if they couldn't afford to buy a new car at the time, but i have since had 2 kids, my own wedding (for which i paid for everything myself)....and we've not heard a thing about the money...it was only recently i remembered dad had taken this money off me...and now they are in a very good position, have a second home in scotland, have at least £10k stashed away in ICAs and plenty of money in the bank....i know thye have paid off their own mortgage and have bought the house in scotland outright- so there is no way they cant afford to give me the money back now....

I spoke to my mum last night about it, and she said she'd speak to dad.....i dont think he's going to give it back to me....his reasoning at the time was his insirance was paid by him, so he should be owed it....'without his unsurance i'd never have gotten the payout'....but it was the other guys insurance company that would have paid, and my dad would've been paid if he'd been in the accident or not so that doesn't work right!!....how do i go about talking to my dad?....he's a very scary bloke- and when it comes to money mum is always the one i talk to.....i dont know how to broach the subject, but i want my money back!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 14:17

and my dad got £3k for his car, but his new one was going to cost £4k so thats why he took the money off me....

and no i barely got lifts in the car as dad worked away a lot and mum didn't drive, so he had it at work with him....and i still dont know how to drive and my dad would never have given me lessons in it anyway!!

OP posts:

binkleandflip · 04/02/2008 14:20

Well you definately are not being unreasonable in my eyes - you have every right to feel aggrieved.

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 14:21

i dont really have anything to loose by asking for the money back....at the end of the day it was awarded to me!! my dad got more than enough to get a car, just not the car he wanted!! and 8 years ago £3k was a lot!! we've never once spent that on a second hand car now!!

OP posts:

Jackstini · 04/02/2008 14:22

YANBU - your injuries = your money.
Your Dad presumably got less compensation than you because he was not injured? Can't imagine he would want to take on abdominal pain and nightmares to go with the money!
It is reasonable to want it back, however please think very carefully about the fact it could split your family and even if (per last post) you are not that bothered, what about the realationships between your parents and your children?
Maybe get your Mum to raise it and see what he says...
Can understand you being very reluctant to pay back the 200 you have borrowed from them!

frogs · 04/02/2008 14:23

Mm, this is actually a tricky one.

Morally I think they should have put the money into an account earmarked for you and given it to you when you turned 18. This is what I would do if one of my kids got compensation, assuming we weren't on the breadline at the time, which changes the equation slightly.

Legally, I suspect things are shakier. I'm not a lawyer, but I think the role of compensation is to provide financial recompense for the inconvenience and expense incurred as a result of the accident. So arguably that would include the costs of organising treatment and trips to hospital etc at the discretion of the parent if the injured person is under age. So I think the "he stole your money" line would probably not hold up under scrutiny.

I think your course of action really depends on how much you care about keeping good relations with your parents. In practical terms, it sounds like going through your mum is the best bet.

HOWEVER, in your situation I would probably write the money off. I know how bad it feels to do this, as my family also have lots of weird stuff going on, often centering around money), but at least that way you walk away with your dignity intact.

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 14:28

Ok - so there's more to it Glask - this is the problem with MN; very often OPs do not state the whole story and so we make statements and give opinions based on the tone and story 'as told'.

Have you considered writing all this in a letter to your Dad? Very often children do hold resentment for their (especially teenage) treatment in formative years, yet your Dad may not have a clue how you feel. As you say, it sounds as though you have very little to lose.

Talking this through with a counsellor may help you to come to terms with all of this.

Bellavita · 04/02/2008 14:29

I am with binkle on this.

Flibbertyjibbet · 04/02/2008 14:29

Yes a child is entitled to lifts in a family car. I am just trying to put points that the OP's father MIGHT make if he starts to justify why he took the money.
Like IL's felt entitled to take DPs money for their windows a he was living in the house at the time so from their (warped and money grabbing imo) opinion he got benefit from the new windows.

Bellavita · 04/02/2008 14:33

It is not her problem if her Dad wants/set his sights on a Porsche Cayenne and can only afford an Audi.

hunkermunker · 04/02/2008 14:39

I don't think it's unreasonable to want the money back.

I do think there's little chance you'll get it and maintain anything like a decent relationship with your dad - but it sounds like it's a bit patchy [understatement] now anyway.

So I guess it boils down to how it would affect the relationships you are maintaining for the sake of others and whether they're worth £1k to you.

Hard to keep your mum in the middle of it though - I'd be tempted to deal directly with your dad - by letter if need be.

Good luck with the decision. It's not a cut-and-dried situation by a long way by the sound of it.

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 14:42

yes there's more to it....if i had all the money in the world i'd never dream of asking for it back....but i have stayed in as good as possible contact with my parents as i said for my own childrens sakes and for my sisters who still live at home.... If my parents didn't have the money to afford it i wouldn't consider asking....but i just feel that at 14 i was in no position to stand my ground, and had no-where and no-one to turn to for help with my dad asking for the money!! The extra money went into a building society and i got given it when i moved into my first flat to buy furniture with (most of which i still have in my home today)

so it wasn't like i pissed it up a wall....i'm sensible with money but at the moment all we have is what comes in at the start of every month....we never have any money left at the end of the month and it will stay like this as long as we owe my parents MOT money, and they have the £ they took from me at 14yo!!!

OP posts:

chocchipcookie · 04/02/2008 14:42

I stand by my point that he bloody stole it.

Expenses are one thing. Buying a car with it is another.

If money is awarded to a child it is not the parent's to do with as they like.

I hope some people here are never on a jury because they seem to have very shaky morals when it comes to taking their children's money. Just because you think you need something doesn't mean you can take it from your kids or anyone else.

Glaskham, you are only asking for what is yours.

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 14:47

god- took so long x-posted with lots of people....its not a question about if my parents are worth £1 to me...they have so much money, never have to think twice about spending, brag all the time about their second home, and still have the £1k i desperatly need!!!

my parents do buy my kids things, but i buy them things, and they do me small favours here and there and i do them ones in return...ie keep an eye on my sisters when they are at their other house, sometimes look afdter their dog while they go on holidays- we equally do favours- but they know how brassic i am and i just want the money back....is that too much to ask?...both my sisters overheard me talking to my mum last night and they both agree i should get it back....and that they'd not have let him have it in the first place!!

OP posts:

MotherFunk · 04/02/2008 14:47

Message withdrawn

Bellavita · 04/02/2008 14:48

Good Luck Glaskham in whatever you decide to do. Sounds like you had a pretty miserable childhood and I am for you.

pixiella · 04/02/2008 14:51

glaskham im behind you all the way - i really think you should try and get the money back -even if it means the relationship with your dad gets even more sour because it sounds like it can't get any worse anyway - he sounds awful...he used to beat you which forced you to move out of home and then you had to go through the rejection that comes with your mother choosing to stay with him when he treated you like that!

and ffs - he got £3000 for a new car...and he still wanted to take £1000 off his 14 year old daughter just so he could have a slightly nicer, newer car?? That is APPALLING.

And i think the people who have jumped to conclusions on this thread should be eating their words now.

He should never have taken that money from you and should have at least used some of it for counselling for you after the accident because as you say now you still get nightmares and you can't even go near the place where it happened because you are so traumatised.

im sorry for all you've been through glaskham and i hope you get your money back. maybe you should write a letter to your dad as someone else suggested...

just be really honest and straighforward and stand your ground. deep down he will know that he's in the wrong.

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 14:52

thanks chocchipcokie....i dont think of it as 'stealing my money'....i can understand 'borrowing it' to ay me back at a later date when they could afford to....i am brassic now and would NEVER dream of taking any of the money we put into our kids bank accounts!! we put that there and its for them when they are 18!!

OP posts:

MotherFunk · 04/02/2008 14:56

Message withdrawn

pixiella · 04/02/2008 14:59

motherfunk - i think your point is completely invalid.
you're asking glaskham (considering she's skint and can't afford gas) if she would take the money if HER children were awarded some right now....

but that's got nothing to do with the situation with her dad, he took £1000 off her not because he NEEDED it but because he wanted a more expensive car and he obviously thought it was unfair that she was awarded that much money and he was jealous...

did you see the bit where she said he already had been given £3000 by the insurance company for a new car??

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 15:01

i put money away for them now when i can afford to....the reason i cant afford to have my gas on all the time at the moment is because i had to pay my MOT in december, for which my parents lent me the money for, so paying them back £100 a month since xmas has left me short!! they are warm as they have good winter clothes and vests etc- i wouldn't let my kids go cold!! i'm not heartless a heartless bitch!! but we're not able to have the heating on full all day everyday!! and we do get a cold patch in the early afternoon....but i'm spending £90 a month on my gas as it is....any more would break the bank!!

OP posts:

HalleBerrysBikini · 04/02/2008 15:02

Confused about why you needed £200 for an MOT if you can't drive - assume though that maybe your DP drives the car?

Has nothing to do with the op at all really though, just wondered.

Also - I'm very sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child, and it's totally understandable that this colours how you feel about your father and the act of taking the money.

pixiella · 04/02/2008 15:04

the whole point of putting money in a savings account for your kids is to NOT spend it so it's still there for them when they need driving lessons or money for university fees.

it's put in a seperate savings account so it's completely apart from the family's usual every day finances.

if people dipped in to their kids savings accounts everytime they needed some extra money for the food shopping or heating bill then there's not much point in having a specific savings account!

i still don't see that the decisions glaskham makes for her family have anything to do with the decisions her dad made.

Wisteria · 04/02/2008 15:04

Glaskham, your posts seem a little skewed to me. Not many people have anything left at the end of the month to be honest... I include myself in that

Sorry, (and chocchipcookie obviously thinks I am nothing more than a common thief anyway but I know I'm not so don't really care ) but if I was cold and was struggling to have a Christmas dinner without bothering parents I don't even like or respect I would far rather take from dc's savings than ask to borrow money.

I can't decide whether you are just a bit young/ spoilt/ hard done to or just not sure exactly how you feel. It strikes me that you started this thread to receive positive and only positive supportive opinions and advice, in which case you shouldn't put it in AIBU.....

Original poster

glaskham · 04/02/2008 15:05

i tried phoning my parents earlier to arrange to chat about it...but they were out. i have to go and collect my son from nursery now but i'll be back soon...

OP posts:

pixiella · 04/02/2008 15:05

my last post was directed at motherfunk btw not glaskham

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