In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

So many people not getting it. Just because you would love it if your MIL let herself into your home, cleaned the house and rearranged your cupboards, doesn't mean the OP has to like it.
@ohnnoclean She's overstepped, and now you've thanked her she'll think you were pleased and she will be looking to do it again. You'll have to be fairly blunt and tell her outright that you don't want her coming round cleaning.
Why does she have a key though? What "emergency" could there be that needs them to let themselves into the house? How would they know? Giving people a key is a bad idea if they can't be trusted not to let themselves in and interfere. And she obviously can't be.

@Barney60 it’s still not your house. Also belongs to your SIL.

for anyone reading - I’ll never be offended if anyone wants to clean , tidy, iron whatever for me .
I have left the key under the mat - there are enough of you mums-netters to surely get a rota organised and tasks divided ? 😉
Thanking you all in advance 👏

However that’s me and we are not all the same .

OP - you know your MIL - if you think she’s overstepped the mark you need to tackle it head on not by stealth - that softly approach just gives opportunity for more grief to come your way . Set and be firm with your boundaries then there can be no “ I didn’t realise etc “

This is probably outing … my friend came home from holiday to find her MIL had removed 3 items of furniture from her living room and replaced them with “ things that she felt went with the room better !”

These were large items .. TV unit , coffee table , sideboard unit thing !

The nuclear fall out and taking sides in that family was so bad it was brilliant 🤩

Will you send her my way please?!

I’d just be grateful, sometimes MIL’s can’t do right for doing wrong. It was meant as a help for you, that’s all I’m sure

@Zanatdy this is a MIL where the OP and her husband have to be careful what they say as MIL is aggressive and will unleash WW3 if they say something she doesn’t like. Not sure she was just being helpful and kind

Ugh you sound awful. Literally the hell DIL. I'm not old enough to have a DIL but when I am, I pray she isn't as nasty as you are

@VaccineSticker if I had an aggressive MIL I would prefer her to be somewhere else

@pocketvenuss are you ignoring the fact her son didn’t agree with what his mum had done. Nothing to do with being a MIL, just an interfering parent who had overstepped boundaries

I would hate this. Someone snooping around my stuff.

She needs to get a life.

My mil did this once when we were away for a wedding, she went over without asking permission and went around our house tidying it! I was fuming and told my partner to get the spare key back immediately. It was also a worry that she hadn't locked the front door properly, so we spent the rest of the holiday panicking. I know they are trying to be helpful, but I would never over step boundaries and do something like that.

I would be so glad

Can you send her to me? I'd love someone to clean my house for me

If you have a good relationship with MIL and know she's coming from a kind place then I would be very grateful , if I were you.

If that's not the case then make an excuse to get your keys back and never give them back. No need to have a conversation if it's going to cause an argument just don't let her have the opportunity to do it again.

It would have been the kind of thing my mum would have done for me and would have totally come from a place of love, coming from my ex MIL I wouldn't have felt so comfortable.

OP has done several updates on MIL and frankly? In OPs shoes i would just have the fight now and then not bother with her again.

MIL is pretty aggressive and will cry and scram and shout about how ungrateful and sensitive I am, if I say anything about this. I don't want to play into her hands.

Seriously, though. I would do one of two things. Or maybe both. One of them is PA and it is that i would go over to hers when next invited and just randomly move things in cupboards (eg, go to the loo, move stuff around. Make a cup of tea, move things around) and not say anything.

Or I'd just tell her to give me my key back and never to touch my things again.

I'm meh about the cleaning, which wouldn't bother me. I would be very much not "meh" about the moving things around.

toomuchlaudrey it’s still not your house. Also belongs to your SIL.

Yes thats true, but where is the line you dont cross?
When i have my grandchild at their house, i cook for us, change his clothes if wet/dirty after hes been playing, change his nappies, wipe up thrown/dropped food spilt drinks, tidy up his toys, if he has an accident in his sleep i remove bedding from his cot. Along with all the other stuff toddlers do.
Would you say then that i should just leave dirty dishes, muddy/wet clothes, wet/poopy nappies, spilt juice, splattered food, biscuits crumbs, wet bedding to soak through his mattress ect or clean up after?
I know what they prefer to come home too.

They are not there then either.
I NEVER go in their bedroom, and bathroom or dressing room.

 My SIL is amazing and thanks me.

I’ve re-read this and sounds like you’re agreeing with me 😊apologies!

If you don’t interfere in your DiLs home and try to make it like yours, then I am sure you will get on just fine with her.

if you try to judge and clean her home, that she and your son are happy with, well, you will get the response you deserve.

I think the OPs MiL is related to mine and I have the utmost sympathy for the OP as it is hell, having your boundaries ignored. And your standards judged.

Kindness. In this case OP left a bit of mess and MIL thought she was doing her a favour.

MIL wasn’t to know how insecure OP is, and that when she said don’t worry about the cleaning she really meant she can’t cope with someone cleaning her house without feeling judged.

I am a mum/MIL currently cleaning my daughter/SIL's house. They invited me up for Christmas and we had a lovely three days, now they've gone to my SIL's family for a few days and I'm staying on here for a couple of days. The house was in post-Christmas chaos when they left, also neither of them give housework much priority at any time. They know I'm doing this and say they are delighted that they'll be coming home to a sparkling kitchen, bathroom and tidy sitting room (I never go into their, or my teenage grandson's, bedrooms).

I don't feel like it's an act of judgementalness from me. I don't usually enjoy housework but this feels like a way to look after them and make their busy lives a bit easier. There's not much I can do for my competent, happy and financially secure daughter/SIL these days (except be a good grandma, but that's a huge benefit to me anyway) but this I can do.

I do (secretly I hope) feel a teeny bit of judgement at how messy/mucky their house can get at times - but judging is human nature. My overwhelming judgement about my daughter, her family and her home is that they are bloody brilliant people, I'm forever impressed by how they manage their jobs, parenting and relationships and feel very fortunate that they share their time and affection with me. That's why I'm cleaning their house today.

@Mirabai I didn't leave a mess at all.

You said there there “a lot of things were everywhere” and there were “clothes everywhere” as you were packing. That’s all I meant by “mess.”

You sound like you're in some weird competition about whether she's cleaner than you or vice versa based on your comments.

Such a fuss over something minor.

@Mirabai that was when the OP was packing. I always put clothes over the bed when I am packing. So I can think about what I need.

Intrusive and boundary crossing, whatever her "intentions."

I'd be changing the locks and limiting access going forward.