In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

I wouldn't do it. If I found dirty crockery over looked in the rush I'd wash that up. But I wouldn't think to do the fridge. It's not my home.

*dh, not ds!

I think you need to have the conversation now rather than wait till next time. Perhaps a shit sandwich conversation.

”As I said before, thanks for thinking of us and being nice and sorting the house out. It was a lovely thought, but I’ve been dwelling on it since. It’s made me feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure quite why, but maybe because I just feel my privacy was invaded a bit. So next time can you bear that in mind and not do it again. I know you had lovely intentions and thank you, but not again.

Hahahah no way will I say that. That will unleash WW3. We need to do it sneakily. It's the only option, otherwise there will be hell to pay !

Locks aren't that expensive...quietly change the barrel and don't give her the spare key.

Then let there be hell to pay.

What @Schnooze has suggested to say is not that inflammatory

Lovely, send her to mine to do next!

She could be trying to help but then again she could be snooping. I’d hate it . She’s over stepped your boundary and I’d tell her nicely she has .

Maybe there needs to be he'll let loose if you are too scared of mil to say something about boundaries in your own home and feel you have to do it sneakily!
What are you going to do if you change the locks and she discovers her key doesn't work and asks for a new one?
Does dh have your back if she kicks off?

@Goldi321 have you read all of OP’s posts. Where the OP can’t have a reasonable conversation with the MIL just in case she kicks off and there is hell to pay. I wouldn’t want someone like that in my house

Opps, oh dear, ive done this, meant to be helpful, never went in their bedroom, just cleaned windows inside, washed out cupboards, put same stuff back where came from hoovered cleaned bathroom ect.
I dont think they are dirty in any way or form.
Daughters husbands brother came round and mowed lawn too.
Thought they would appreciate it, they seemed too of done.

This is clearly part of a bigger problem. What has your DH done when she’s cried, screamed and lashed out?? It’s not your job to keep the peace to avoid her appalling behaviour. When your toddler has a tantrum do you accept it in order to ‘keep the peace’? No, I’m sure you don’t, because you know they need to learn to behave in an appropriate way. However noble your intention, you are enabling her.

I can see that you can solve the immediate problem by taking the key away/changing the locks, but surely she’s going to scream and shout when she realizes? You are an adult and deserve to be treated as such, she needs to learn to respect your boundaries. Subtle will not work here and is going to set you up for a lifetime of playing games.

Ok, so if that's how she reacts to a very gentle assertion of boundaries then you have a bigger problem than a couple of rearranged cupboards!

What were the previous arguments with her about, related to your house again? Or to the DC maybe?

I don’t understand your wording here, I’m sorry. OP told her MIL (however lovely she is) that she didn’t want her cleaning. MIL went ahead and did it anyway. However well intended, MIL should have listened.

So why did you do it if you don't think they are dirty? Even if they were why did you think it was your place to go into someone elses house to wash out their cupboards? 😒

Rearranging your cupboards is a step too far for me. My MIL did this as she thought her way was better, i was like WTAF as I’m just going to move things back when you go! She was moving something in the kitchen and then watching me move it back and then staring at me moving it again. We’re LC now

I'm not sure that I'd bother being subtle tbh.

She clearly does give a fuck as long as she gets he way.

Sometimes you reap what you sow!

Ask for the key & if she wants to know why tell her she can't be trusted with it.

Or change the locks & don't give her a key.

I'd probably do that tbh.

If she then goes round when she shouldn't-what can she say?

Bloody hell I wish you could edit!

She clearly does give a fuck as long as she gets he way.

Should be "she clearly doesn't give a fuck as long as she gets her way".

Perhaps you should ask her what the emergency was that meant she needed to use her key?

What @OneMomentPlease said ^

You are an adult and deserve to be treated as such. She does not respect you. She needs to learn to respect your boundaries.

If she is disrespectful and manipulative, why pander to her? You say you want to keep the peace, but it's not what I would call peace.

You made your MIL re-plant weeds??

I hope she told you to fuck off? Your poor MIL.

.Cocolapew So why did you do it if you don't think they are dirty? Even if they were why did you think it was your place to go into someone elses house to wash out their cupboards? 😒

I did it to help them as both very busy people, they hate cleaning windows, im not even sure if they noticed tbh, talks a lot about never having time for herself always busy ect.

@Barney60 did you ask beforehand? Would you do that in someone’s house? How would you feel if someone let themselves into your home and did that?

They were not weeds to me, they were pet food. She had not even said hello, this was as she walked up the front garden path and we were watching from upstairs so I don’t think She saw us, and she just pulled my pet food plants up. DH opened the window and leant out and told her to put them back. I agreed. We did not give her a trowel.
she wanted out home to look like hers. We wanted our home how we wanted it.

she was and still is hard work, so we don’t see much of her

I would say that the key is for emergencies only and it’s an invasion of privacy. MIL has ours. Now I’m worried she’s been snooping!

toomuchlaundry ·
I did not ask, why would i?, im not a stranger its my daughter, were in and out of each others homes often, i look after the grandchild at their house, she does not think twice of doing things here, ive done her ironing shes done mine.
No i would not do it randomly in some ones elses home!