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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws cleaned our house while away....

465 replies

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:22

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 28/12/2022 13:22

DesolationRow · 28/12/2022 12:59

I am a mum/MIL currently cleaning my daughter/SIL's house. They invited me up for Christmas and we had a lovely three days, now they've gone to my SIL's family for a few days and I'm staying on here for a couple of days. The house was in post-Christmas chaos when they left, also neither of them give housework much priority at any time. They know I'm doing this and say they are delighted that they'll be coming home to a sparkling kitchen, bathroom and tidy sitting room (I never go into their, or my teenage grandson's, bedrooms).

I don't feel like it's an act of judgementalness from me. I don't usually enjoy housework but this feels like a way to look after them and make their busy lives a bit easier. There's not much I can do for my competent, happy and financially secure daughter/SIL these days (except be a good grandma, but that's a huge benefit to me anyway) but this I can do.

I do (secretly I hope) feel a teeny bit of judgement at how messy/mucky their house can get at times - but judging is human nature. My overwhelming judgement about my daughter, her family and her home is that they are bloody brilliant people, I'm forever impressed by how they manage their jobs, parenting and relationships and feel very fortunate that they share their time and affection with me. That's why I'm cleaning their house today.

You sound brilliant

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2022 13:23

@ouch321 OP said she didn’t want MIL to come into the house whilst she was away. The MIL ignored her, that was overstepping boundaries before she even started rearranging cupboards

@Barney60 I think it is slightly different when doing childcare as you are dealing with things that arise due to childcare. But if your daughter/SIL asked you not to do something I assume you wouldn’t go ahead and do it because you decided it needed doing

Worcestershirem0mmy · 28/12/2022 13:27

Be grateful!!! She didn’t take a shit on your floor for gods sake!

Theadora27 · 28/12/2022 13:29

My mum used to bring her own bleach and a cloth when she came to stay. I told her we had a septic tank and didn’t use harsh chemicals. Really pissed me off.

marmb87 · 28/12/2022 13:29

I am the opposite OP - my husband and I work really demanding jobs, and I love it when my mum and MIL will do some odd jobs round the house when they are watching the kids. I can see why your annoyed - but I imagine she probably just wanted to help you out - but you should be honest with her if you don’t like it :-)

Yb23487643 · 28/12/2022 13:32

Sounds like she really wants to clean your house and has higher standards than you. Some people are a bit mental and can’t stand when other people have different standards to them. It’s a bit holier than thou. I’d be annoyed too. Or leave loads of sex toys out next time you go away. Or actually give her some real cleaning to do!

Cocolapew · 28/12/2022 13:33

Tidying up after a child you look after isnt the same at all. But you know that.
I went low contact and eventually NC with mil because of her behaviour. DH and the DCs haven't spoken to her for years either.
This is just the tip of the iceberg for people like this, its not going to get better. Also you can bet she had a rummage through every drawer too.

Yb23487643 · 28/12/2022 13:37

Also can have home cameras/door bell so you can see if she’s coming in and tell her to stop if she does go in on future holidays.
if she’s lunatic & controlling slowly backing away/no contact, even if subtle and for a bit/not forever might be the way forward. Talking doesn’t assert boundaries, maybe actions will speak louder than words?

lking679 · 28/12/2022 13:37

Sounds like my MIL though she’s never gone as far as letting herself in.
I was heartened when my toddler and 5 year old went to play at her house and after 3 hours it looked like mine.
mine is only neat and tidy once the kids have gone to bed and first thing in the morning.
FIL will also organise everything and organised all the toys in my DD’s room (I just have big toy baskets basically). DD went up there and played with them all and in about an hour his organisation was for nothing and she couldn’t remember where everything went!

I don’t stress about it but if they went so far to tidy whilst I was on holiday I’d be sneaking the key off them too.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 28/12/2022 13:38

This has happened to me before and I hated it too. The worst part was either now ex MIL rearranging my wardrobe, ruining several items of my clothing in the process (using hangers too big for things and stretching them out) or “moving” hiding my medication, so instead of it being on my bedside table it was moved to the very far corner of the under-stairs cupboard. Fucking bitch.

Best advice I can give is telling them straight out you don’t like it and not to do it again. And possibly getting that spare key back.

It does sound like your MIL has control issues, as in, this is her problem. Still not ok for her to do this.

SamosaChaat · 28/12/2022 13:40

My mil used to do things like moving ornaments, plants etc every time we went away. I always moved them back! She even threw away the contents of our 'treat drawer' once. 😡 My other half had a word and she stopped. Either u or u husband need to say something if it bothers u that much.

Cappuccino17 · 28/12/2022 13:48

I think she was just trying to help you out to be honest. I mean who wants to come back home from a holiday to a messy house? I can't leave the house for a holiday unless my house is clean even if I'm just going down to the superstore i clean up everything just before I leave. Iv got 2 under 5s who make a huge mess of thier toys its not dirty but it is messy. Now if i didnt have the time to do it then my MIL did it i dont think id mind unless she had rearranged all my furniture lol. But if she had just cleaned up id be happy.

Beachloveramy · 28/12/2022 13:52

I think she was trying to do a nice thing, not because she thinks your house is dirty but because she likes you and wants you to come home up a nice house!
You’re being paranoid.

Sleeptorturde · 28/12/2022 13:59

I get that it can seem intrusive but I'm actually really jealous. Both mum & MIL passed away, they both had spotless houses and I'm sure that's the sort of thing they would have done to help us, as a way of looking after us. That's probably how your MIL meant it too.

Otherwise send her to us, we're drowning and I was cleaning my own fridge at 11pm last night when we got back from holiday, in preparation for a big shop today. I would much rather have slept!

Advicerequest · 28/12/2022 13:59

I'd be so grateful!

Seeingadistance · 28/12/2022 14:00

Aquasulis · 28/12/2022 08:28

Ask your partner to ask for the key back easy and put it in a key safe instead. That way you can have anyone trustworthy in - neighbour etc and she doesn’t need the code at all.

This.

Key safes are a great solution to the need for emergency access.

Cocolapew · 28/12/2022 14:02

The op has already said her house wasn't dirty or even messy.
That's why cupboards and fridges get rearranged, so we know they've been there, my house was clean and tidy there was nothing to do so mil moved things. The minute I walked in I knew someone had been in.
Mil's like this are a different breed to normal ones 🤷

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2022 14:04

@Beachloveramy you have obviously missed the bit where OP says the MIL is aggressive

RosesAndHellebores · 28/12/2022 14:09

If my MIL had put a duster round and hoovered that would be fine (not going to happen). Cleaning the fridge and sorting out cupboards is beyond the pale

Having said that, it would have to be agreed in advance because neither sets of parents have ever had our keys in their possession. They live too far away.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2022 14:14

UWhatNow · 28/12/2022 10:01

Classic. MIL does something nice, trying to help and DIL is raging.

Why so dramatic? So you feel ‘judged’ - what’s she going to do - announce your slattern ways in the local paper? Get over yourself. It’s not about you. Most things aren’t. It’s about her and probably wanting to be feel needed and useful. You should thank her and move on.

I don't 100% agree with this.

This wasn't a case of running a mop over a kitchen floor or vacuuming the carpet in the living room and arranging the cushions so that they would be nice for the OP and her family to return to.

The MiL here decided to clean the OP's fridge. Something that isn't visible to anyone except the OP and her family.
It wasn't just wiping down surfaces in the kitchen or cleaning the bathroom either, it was rearranging the items that the OP has in her kitchen cupboards (again something that only the OP and her family would see).

I see this as overstepping.

Fine if the MiL wanted to vacuum the carpets, wipe down surfaces or mop the kitchen floor if the urge took her. Buying a bunch of flowers and having them waiting in a vase on the kitchen table for the OP to return home to is nice and thoughtful. However, this was going next level, in my eyes.

For this, I wouldn't be 'raging' but I'd be making very certain that the next time that I'd be going away, no one, absolutely no one would be able to enter the property, so I probably would be looking for the key back or being very subtle and just changing the locks but overlooking giving her a key.

If the MiL here wants to feel and be useful, she should ASK what the OP and her son want her to do, not assume that what she has done is what they wanted/needed doing.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2022 14:16

DesolationRow · 28/12/2022 12:59

I am a mum/MIL currently cleaning my daughter/SIL's house. They invited me up for Christmas and we had a lovely three days, now they've gone to my SIL's family for a few days and I'm staying on here for a couple of days. The house was in post-Christmas chaos when they left, also neither of them give housework much priority at any time. They know I'm doing this and say they are delighted that they'll be coming home to a sparkling kitchen, bathroom and tidy sitting room (I never go into their, or my teenage grandson's, bedrooms).

I don't feel like it's an act of judgementalness from me. I don't usually enjoy housework but this feels like a way to look after them and make their busy lives a bit easier. There's not much I can do for my competent, happy and financially secure daughter/SIL these days (except be a good grandma, but that's a huge benefit to me anyway) but this I can do.

I do (secretly I hope) feel a teeny bit of judgement at how messy/mucky their house can get at times - but judging is human nature. My overwhelming judgement about my daughter, her family and her home is that they are bloody brilliant people, I'm forever impressed by how they manage their jobs, parenting and relationships and feel very fortunate that they share their time and affection with me. That's why I'm cleaning their house today.

This is so far removed from being in the wheel house of the OP's MiL though. You sound really lovely @DesolationRow and I'd say your daughter/SiL appreciate what you are doing for them. They are aware of what you're doing too. Makes a huge difference.

zzzexhaustedzzz · 28/12/2022 14:18

My mum can’t help but clean, and she does it in my kitchen whenever she’s round. She likes to be ‘useful’. I don’t complain at all. She does judge as I have heard on the (poison) grapevine over the years…. But I don’t care what she thinks of me generally, she has totally different values etc.
My ex’s mum on the other hand over-stepped boundaries many times and thankfully I no longer have to see her. She also judged me for everything I did, and it was poisonous. Thankfully my DD/S are too old for that to matter anymore. I should have sensed this about her and laid boundaries early and firmly.
A good/ non confrontational way to deal with this could be: you have a friend coming to stay and need the key for them to use. You need it ASAP so they can’t offer to copy it. You forget to return it to them. You get a key safe.

Nat6999 · 28/12/2022 14:29

After coming back off holiday & finding exmil had gone through all our post I claimed the spare keys back & never returned them to her.

Kennykenkencat · 28/12/2022 14:32

Mirabai · 28/12/2022 13:03

You said there there “a lot of things were everywhere” and there were “clothes everywhere” as you were packing. That’s all I meant by “mess.”

Show quote history

And if you read op says everything was left tidy as the clothes were either packed or put away.

Hollaatme3022 · 28/12/2022 14:32

I would see it as her just trying to help. The fact that you didn't want the help, is why you feel the way you do. And that's fair enough.

However, I don't think it was her insinuating that you were unclean. If she usually ignores your pleas, then this is a problem. But I, personally, think it was coming from a place of kindness, mixed in a little, with nosiness.