In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

Mil wants to feel relevant and useful - perfectly valid feelings and sensitivities. Ds and dil want to feel respected as competent and capable - also perfectly valid feelings and sensitivities. Sometimes people get things a bit wrong, because they are only seeing things from their own perspective, rather than making an effort to understand the other person’s point of view. To interpret an action as being judgemental is a pretty self-centred response, as it focuses exclusively on how it has made the recipient feel (due to their own feelings and sensitivities), and doesn’t express any real interest in whether that was the real motivation for the action. I’m sure there are deeply damaged people out there who deliberately do things simply in order to demonstrate how judgemental they feel about other human beings, but most people are muddling along, trying to feel relevant in relatively innocuous ways, not deliberately sending unpleasant, loaded messages about how superior they feel to others.

You are different people. Clothes everywhere equals messy in my book. She did a nice thing from her point of view and it's the kind of thing my mum would do but I wouldn't like it either. Tell her the truth, that it felt like she was judging your standards and you'd prefer if she did not do it again.

Uh huh... and what is it when you clean a property which you've been given an emergency-only key to and specifically been told not to clean?

Have you never had to repack a suitcase before ? Therefore taking clothes out and so temporarily having them out ?

She's definitely not cleaner than I am.

@Stunningscreamer but where does it stop? Rearranging cupboards is not necessary in someone else’s home. Also when tidying and sorting through cupboards in my own home inevitability there will be probably something that I will get rid of. You don’t normally just shuffle stuff round

OP why do you keep saying you’re grateful for something that has clearly upset you? You don’t have to accept this behavior (whatever the intention behind it) and if you don’t say anything to MIL it will happen again and escalate.

FWIW this would drive me insane and I was very clear with MIL the one time she ignored me over something like this. It’s intrusive and infantalising, I’m guessing she wouldn’t do this to a friend or neighbour’s house?

Your children are young and I would urge you to set your boundaries now. If you’re ‘nice’ and let things go it’s much harder to redress as the patterns of behavior are set.

The MIL hasn't stayed there though?

This is a hard no from me. I had a MIL a who started this as soon as I married my DH. We asked her to stop, but the level of interference got out of hand.

The "help" she provided was random and sometimes destructive unintentionally.

Over the years it's led to bad feelings on both sides. Better you start as you mean to go on.

Well that's you when you're doing things. It's not what happened here and is just aimed to be inflammatory.

Because I don't want to start an argument with MIL. I want to keep the peace, we've had many horrible arguments in the past about stuff like this.

It won't help. It will just make her lash out.

Next time, we will subtly be more clear about her not coming her whilst we are gone. Or we will subtly take the key away with some other excuse and then forget to return it. MIL is pretty aggressive and will cry and scram and shout about how ungrateful and sensitive I am, if I say anything about this. I don't want to play into her hands.

If she'd wiped down the counters and run the hoover around that would be one thing. But rearranging someone else's cupboards is really really weird.

Would you do hers next time you're round?

@Stunningscreamer doesn't the MIL sound lovely from the OP’s latest update. A kind caring thoughtful MIL. A cupboard rearranger in someone else’s house is very rarely doing it to be kind and caring.

@ohnnoclean I would be changing the locks and giving a responsible neighbour a key for emergency purposes only

Ugh,I did this once and embarrassed the hell out of the lady. I was babysitting for a child I worked with in a school(the parents worked a lot) when I got there the place was in bits. Breakfast still in the pan from the morning, clothes ,books and toys piled up everywhere.
Child fell asleep very quickly and I didn't want to be sitting around nothing so I cleaned. When the mum came home she looked absolutely mortified and mumbled a thank you.

I'll never do it again. I realised how invadey of personal space it was.

I cleaned it more for me, than the mum. Perhaps your MIL was doing the same. Is she a particularly tidy and neat person in her own home ?

From the update it definitely is a control thing, my mil was the screaming, crying typ too.

I am not hard work, I just have a MiL with very poor boundaries, who thinks there’s only her way to do things and that a women who does not clean and tidy like her is appalling. I got the ‘you are an appalling house wife’ memo from her loud and clear within 2 weeks of meeting her.
it is actually quite odd as her sons are awesome at doing their share, but it still does not stop the judging.
it is very hard to have a proper relationship with someone who runs their finger over all your worktops, picture frames etc, looks under the rugs, yes, she really did and does not have one good word to say about our home. Ever.

She doesn’t visit these days as she and her judgement are not welcome.

it is fine to tidy and clean if both parties are happy and respect each other. If there is no respect, just judgment, then it is truly destructive.

I remember when DS was a few months old and DD was a toddler. I had PND and IL came over for a few days, to help. I was desperate for sleep/time to myself. They decided to prune the apple tree. I don't think I've ever been at a point where I gave less of a shit about the apple tree! They asked if DD wanted to help them. She said no so I stayed in looking after both DC, wondering how this was meant to be helpful. I think I cried!

I actually generally did get on with IL and as pp eventually came to an acceptance of it and make a joke of it. She spent most of the day cleaning and tidying so I knew I'd never reach the standard she was used to!

Don’t take the keys off her. Just change the locks.

You’re only upset because you are assuming she judging you and this cleaning is somehow a personal attack. What if she thinks you’re absolutely great, that you have your shit together, she loves you and just wanted you to come back from holiday to a lovely house and thought you were just being polite when you said you didn’t need help? Is it less offensive that she cleaned then?

If you’re going to assume you most as well assume good intent and something positive.

The real problem is that she just didn't listen to you, and it was intrusive of her.she may have been well intentioned, but it's made you feel uncomfortable. And she's rearranged stuff. that is a little odd, it's not her place to organise your things. That's a control thing. There's nothing you can do now,but take the key back. Don't let her carry on doing this.

The update puts a different slant on things. I guess if you have generally kind, helpful parents then you see this as an attempt to help, even if you don't really like it. But if you have aggressive, controlling parents then you see it as another attempt to control or pass judgement.

@Blueberrywitch have you read all OP’s posts?

I had this once. At first it's nice then it is really weird.

Upgrade your locks to a type where you need to send keys away to get more copies, then don’t get around to paying for the extra set for your in laws. Unless, of course, you do actually need them to have emergency access while you are away, because you do actually need them to, eg, water plants, check on pets, move mail away from the doorstep, etc.

Is your ds an only child or something? Or does your mil only have sons? Or is she young enough to still be having perimenopausal/menopausal symptoms? Or has just always been histrionic? She’s clearly having a hard time feeling irrelevant and unneeded!

I NEVER trust a secret clean.

I used to live with my MIL and she did a few cleans of our room.

First time, wow thank you.
Second time, hmm why has this been opened.
After that she would ask to borrow things that she snooped for or would say things about items that were private.

Secret cleaners are nosy bastards, she wanted to rummage through your stuff.